first time(&last) & still need help

[nero]

hi-

i know you are rite - and it would be very very bad to "see" and feel. i miss my life tho- down there- the kids, my friends, etc. I called it "home" for most of my life. i'm closer to family down there than here- and a couple truly good girlfriends as well. i'm truly torn about what part that stupid place has in my heart/life. that's the hard part- with him he takes the past 37 or so years of my life & everyone in it. i don't like him being able to tell me what and who i "get to have" in life. like him- i want what i want. f him.

part of me wants to be soooo hard and stare him right down and laugh in his face. I know- what is the cost to self- is this my stupid ego and pride or what? i never made claims of being toughest woman in the world- i don't feel compelled to lie about who i am.

I'm feeling exiled - i hate giving him that power.

so - let me ask you this - if i'm moving on and finding my path- which i actually think i am doing- job- friends- activities, etc. -

do you envision yourself finished dbing? really?? are you saying give it totally up- or that you've given up totally? (just curious here) i'm pretty hopeless - but not quite stopping db- but seriously considering myself done.

i know we laugh about our lighthouse - lite flickering- i thought tho, that in the end, you were still remaining, well, (available) somewhat for h if he manages to convince you & win you back. it's prudent and realistic i think-

i don't like this constant pressure i give me to lable it- decide it- go one way or the other, etc. sorry if i do it to you too- i can be quite a jerk in that regard - need to file it all somewhere i can understand.

just curious where your head is at- me - my basic - overall position is - been working on own "new life"(job) , pma - gal - new activities - with no real hope (in any serious way - of his "waking up") - still some old small tugs of heart in that direction. ( i don't think he'll save himself - i don't like it, but i don't have any choice but swallow it) - praying for some final detachment-wisdom-blam on head to push me into going (like a job with giant paycheck ?- ) (wonderful new man & life prospect?) - and putzing along, dragging my feet because i have nothing new and great to rush to.

I'm treading water, rather than give up and sink gracefully down to the stinkin bottom? i have this dam "fighter" instinct- and when someone is telling me what i HAVE TO do- my impulse is fight it with everything i've got- I can'T even figure out what it is i want- i'm soooo busy saying NO to whoever is bossing me. i know- childish huh?

maybe a coast guard will cruise by and "pick me up" before the sharks smell me???

what about you- ??

btw - he does ask for a ride from airport. i sleep so poorly alone. embarassed to say i haven't slept alone since i was 24 - i haven't been unattached since 15 or so. i'm just lousey at it- and i guess hanging onto some comfort habits here. my addiction/comfort zone.

I am a bit blue becasue unlike you- (and rest of world) i hate summer. years of getting cooked alive in ft.lauderdale- where we all just work and stay inside - in the a/c and try to forget it's summer. (i am white & frecklie - red hair and unable to tan or go around in heat without fainting) sadly- i haven't managed to rid myself of it- hate the heat- need to find some other job to "kill" the summer. so i've probably got my summer trapped attitude going on.

From my gut Nero I say "IF" you can go there and understand that this man is not your BF, not anything more than himself who's life your not a part of, send him off to his secrets without flinching, than go! But, can you really do that? Like you said when you had it all, how do you go backwards and be friends while watching him give what was yours to someone else!

is this exact thing what has pushed you to point of going? i hope i'm not causing you pain asking rite out- i think the frequent being gone = gives me distance from the stark reality. can you do it without flinching? is such a thing possible do you think for women with hearts inside them??? is that what you see??? in your h and my h? the HUGE day-to-day grind of LIVING WITH IT in your face?

thanks for reply- i have to get this stuff out of my head for a bit. i even slept last nite- but my brain hurts from the wierd stress of it. i feel better to hear his voice and chat - and i hate that. I hate realizing it- it's a sick thing. he's as sick as me too - what a stinkin pair of jerks we are ..

why i got into this "talk" i don't know. how did you too? and how wierd your beginning comment you may have "undone" any progress. it was so amazingly "timely" -

somewhere in the book it says about same - ...."only to find out nothing has changed in his mind". how discouraging, etc.

i hope i didn't depress you- i hope you're okay and isn't it amazing that soooo many people think money is the cure to all their problems - when really-

love is??? am i insanely romantic or what? that love is the answer to all the problems of life. it helps you thru them all- having none is such a huge huge deficit in my psyche.

it's that (my addiction) - the mental "block" i've got- the notion that it's the most important thing in my life.

for this moment- well, you know.... so you think it's like quitting smoking? i'll quit - go back, i'll qui5t - go back, etc a few times before it sticks. you think you will? do you feel like your h is a very very bad addiction also? that it seems to provide something you need and want - but is toxic and slowly killing you? i feel soooo guilty to not "save" myself immediately (if that's appropriate lingo)

i hope the ups man bangs on your door today and he is lovely and sparks fly- that's my positive thought. you're young- it will happen - just some person and ka bam (well, i'm wishin it for you anyway)

Let me know what you think!

I think you're a nice person and i appreciate the response. very probably totally right - I am "weak" sometimes in the face of my nnnneeeeeds. (real or imagined)

i'm outta here- plant the darn roses before they die. focus and do laundry - xxoo(( ))

hope you and your day are okay. i hate it when your lite is goin out...wah wah

[albamarie]

do you envision yourself finished dbing? really?? are you saying give it totally up- or that you've given up totally? (just curious here) i'm pretty hopeless - but not quite stopping db- but seriously considering myself done.

I'm to lazy to make quotes! So, yes, I would love to be finished dbing! What the hell am I still standing for when I see that nothing has changed! They don't think any different, yea the're calmer, but so is a bear right before you try to cross it's path. I don't want to live knowing anything, really, anything can cause all of this to bound right back. No thanks! What he gives me as a loving, youngish, pretty women is not enough to roll over and be content!

i hope i'm not causing you pain asking rite out- i think the frequent being gone = gives me distance from the stark reality. can you do it without flinching?

No, I can not! I can't be something else to a man that I gave my love and life to and he treated it w the most disrespect available! I'm not event talking the A, but that [censored] too, I'm talking about the dragging on regarding one's self hate. How the hell much can one person hate them self? That lingering self loth he has shows in everything about him, it gets sickening!

My H isn't sleeping w ea and I can't stand with every fiber of my being, when he's talking to her or visiting to help the piece of sh!t. So no, I won't put myself through that, that's why I told him I was done, I want out.

is that what you see??? in your h and my h? the HUGE day-to-day grind of LIVING WITH IT in your face?

Yea, the have no conscience! They are the doers what do they care. Yea, mine gets guilty feelings, even shaved his head in shame, bought me a car, but it doesn't give a girl the one thing she is really in need of, respect!

I am "weak" sometimes in the face of my nnnneeeeeds. (real or imagined)

That weakness is yours to contend w each time he's there getting the signal from you that you are content in his company. No judgement, we all do it, we face loneliness and fear every day, it's hard not to feel weak when they toss a bone. Me, I have become callous to even wanting him to give me the ounce of attention I used to yearn for when this began. But, I look back at what I had and say why the hell am I collecting scraps of "my" life, I didn't do anything wrong!

i hate it when your lite is goin out...wah wah

My light may never be out for H, he's who he is forever, w or w/o us as a couple, there are some things that I can't wash away about him.

"only to find out nothing has changed in his mind". how discouraging, etc.
Yes, there is the discouragement! Even in the face of better times, nothing has changed, they are just as confused, or not, and settled into their new way of thinking. There are hopeful stories, h even thinks this/my story w be a fine ending, yea he would think that, I don't disappoint him!

i hope i didn't depress you- i hope you're okay and isn't it amazing that soooo many people think money is the cure to all their problems, it's love.

I don't depress easy, but your right, otherwise why would there be so many fairy tails of royalty running away w commoners. Oh, that Jane Austin, even Disney for heavens sake!

that it seems to provide something you need and want - but is toxic and slowly killing you?

I have been aware of the toxic for some time now and made the choice a while ago that it's not worth it. For pete's sake these aren't the only men in town. We are attached to the known, the safe, the comfortable, the past memories. I, for one am not going to let that steer me anymore. The're called memories for a reason!

I want the past to stay in the past. I am tired of trying to db my fake a$$ through all of this just to see nothing has changed in his head, and I no long know what I'm dbing for.

I am a fraud! I laugh, listen, smile, all in the name of trying to help the father of my children come back to some sort fo reality. When my reality is they think I am being ridiculous for trying. Well maybe I exaggerate, but they have looks on their face that tell me they don't even care anymore.

I try for him. To help him mature so I can go on. Portia is soooo right when she said he is putting his survival ON YOU I feel like he won't let me go if he's not able to care for himself. He said I was his safe haven.

Are you your SO's safety net? Interesting to see what you say about that.

Did I facilitate that? I have always been that for him! Maybe I am the one who needs to be the WAS! Ok! I'm done, my nails are too long for this. Gonna go chop them off (tomboy me) and find some food! Have a good read here, I'm being pretty honest w you as well as w myself!

((((((()))))))))))) dm

[nero]

hey hi-

thanks for your reply- your wisdom & input sort of bolsters me. tho your "take" on all this is sort of fortifying to me- i woke up feeling your message of yesterday.

you've said before - what are they offering? i agree- really nothing. a few trinkets and some "bones" - and i also agree why am i scrambling for a kind word- a mere crumb of my former life.

i remember what it feels like to be loved- why would that dope think it's important to him and not me too? total self-involvement to the point that my feelings do not 3exist.

YOUR QUESTION- QUICK VERSION- HAVE TO GET DRESSED AND OUT DOOR - OR I'D COMMENT MORE (you're probably saying whew- i know i can get darn "long" -) (workng on it - believe it or not).

THIS BUSINESS of being their "rock" may be total Crappola -

my h's old aunt - says i'm his rock- says "it's only sex" his affair - like that should mean something to me. i am not sure what it is SUPPOSED to mean- am i supposed 6to be flattered? i think it's insulting and insufficient for the rest of my life- being some stinking FIXTURE in the life of someone happy to treat me like $hit on his shoe.

tht is my gut feeling. my flipping and flopping is my realization that i don't like living alone- do in fact feel totally alone without him there even in the background of my life. he is some wierd security blanket to me- he is a selfish pig for sure at this moment. I'M GONG to blame the sheer number of years for this. it's all i can figure out.

i can remember being a person to him - too well. my h is putting the blame on me for changing, etc. i'm sure in ways i have- his position is that "he never said anything about anything because he never wanted to force me to be something i wasnint inclined to be - it is a bunch of bananas.. he never said anything because we were perfectly fine til he began cheating on internet and found a new fun hobby. the end.

I DON'T accept his blame - he isnuts (in this). he's a perfectly sane man otherwise. selfish and his "quirks" are more harmful and deadly than i gave them credit for. my problem there.

i feel the same as you- it is notmy job to "save" this guy and i cannot do it. i am using him i guess to provide me with some feeling (however lousy) of security until i "find my way" in my new life.

i'd say honestly also- my h thinks i will always be there somewhere findable- changable- able to love him and if i had to guess - he banks on it. maybe it's the message he's thinking i'm sending.

i've told him i view him as merely a bad habit (addiction) that i am working on breaking - conquering and tossing out the window. it is ONLY that - awaiting the day i dislike him sufficiently to walk away.

either he's so nuts or it makes him feel good because he can then shove away his guilt or responsibility.

also honestly- i don't give a darn any more what he views as my part in this. i think he is a man dying of a terminal illness - and i'm doing my best to detach.

this morning i'm on the same page as you -

not content for the next 20 years to be this-

i am not good with being anything to this man but a loved mate. MATE - NOTHING MORE - NOTHING LESS.

i do feel sentiment - like you - for alot of good things about him. is it enough- i don't think so=-

gotta go get dressed - did i answer the question? if i'm some kind of rock- or safety net- i do not understand what that means to me. nothing really. his insecurity and his loss of my love are on his own head. i've spent a lifetime being who i am and giviong freely my love and support and love. if he tosses it out the window- so be it. i can't change his actions and how he's made me feel with the past few years of total criticism, pain, confusion, etc.

i'm thinking he's really inflicted too much pain n such an uncaring and selfish way- maybe i can never go back to love.

he knows i don't know what i feel about him-

more the dope him- he says he cares a great deal- fool - it's love and he won't know it until it's too darn late.

off to work- you know, me gal- i'll get there (weakness aside) if i can own part of the problem- i can effect the cure - right...

xxoo have a good day- you are soooooo "right on the money" in your obeservations, etc.

later-

[BRNR]

Nero...off topic, but reading through the post it seems you may live in NJ. Is this correct? I am in NJ too.

[albamarie]

Hey Nero,

I don't want to be a rock to someone who has the consistency of water. Water flows sometimes uncontrollably everywhere and anywhere it want's w no regard for what it may be damaging. In time water can even smooth down a rock!

Consider me smoothed! Like a pebble on the beach just waiting, laying around catching a wave!

Hope your good! you have some hard things to face as reality, she's a here and she's a b!tch!

as always <3 dm

[nero]

HI- SORRY FOR DELAY RESPONSE -

YEAH- WE LIVED together in ft.lauderdale , FL for last 38 years - tho about 13 or so years got a second place up in nj - my 88 yr old mom lives closeby- some family of mine here- some down there. his family and grew up allllllll in ft.laud - his hometown.

soooo- it's become me up here mostly and him down there (mostly) - it's $ucked for alot of years (to me) BUT I DIDN'T know what was going on with him- thought it was his retirement & issues motivating him - he LIED AND lied about it all- said he was "fine" - "it" was fine, etc. me- i trusted him... love (stupidity) what can i say..

honestly(and stupidly) i did not know he was orchestrating it to enable his return to life as an 18 yr old tennis bum around town (short version)...

[nero]

hey dawn -

i know. it's a matter of time- THIS LIFE cannot go on as it is. This h-flash flood of mine has totally obliterated my little world - and carried it all away. every bit of it.

Consider me smoothed! Like a pebble on the beach just waiting, laying around catching a wave!

my edges are gone too - it's a waiting game- finding a good job that will actually support me- some turn in my "road of life" that sends me around some bend - you know my drill here... I can see the element age playing a big part in this- just lack of youthful energy . sounds silly to even me- but tiredness - it's something to be dealt with

this job ends soonish- few more weeks of school. it's been "getting my feet wet" - working again. gets me out of house and entertained & quit thinking. taking advantage of time i'm allowed here = don't worry bout me - i DO KNOW

however- this one day at a time mode- today i do not give a damn - about h or life or what the heck i'm doing with it all.

not worried. just don't care to the bone - good or bad attitude?

dunno - house a mess - garden a mess - life a mess - pick one -

on a more interesting note -

I met shop owner at beach who would like me to make her some little custom pottery things she needs to incorporate in her own creations- i'm going to go cut them out & create in five minutes - feel good - (bit of income too ) - (& pleasant hobby activity) i've been interested for awhile in finding some "ingredient" to make for other artists - rather than finished creations. this may be something along that line - small but okay to explore..

better $$ return on time spent - less pressure to create for $$ (which takes the fun out of something you do for love ) -

i've noticed it with re-selling antiques & dolls. it's more fun to shop- search - find & identify (all things for pleasure) and then just resell - rather than actually creating things to sell. much better way to go - if you can do it. yay ebay- it's a bother - but certainly an interesting resource out there for anyone!

one more little interesting iron in the fire here- tra la..

if i won that lottery this minute - i'd call and say get out of my life and leave me be. I'll go buy a ticket -

have a good day- - xxo and hope you're okay- i'm feeling at the end too. it's wierd - isn't it? this notion that you can just let it all go and float away and not care any more -

we're both tired dearie - i guess i'm hanging on one more day- (???)

xxoo (((( ))))

[albamarie]

It does not have to be so extreme. If you take a clear, long look at where you've been, where you're currently at, it should not be difficult to decide where you want to go-- what's realistic and what is not; what goals and wishes mean the most to you; and what potential you yourself possess to attain them.

That's it, the simplest answer to the hardest question.

I was soo angry yesterday I could have blown a gasget. I was babbling in spanish in my kitchen, for some reason it feels like I get my point across more forcibly when it is said in another language. Should learn German to be real effective! Plus, I was hoping to get through to this latin macho son-of-a bleep, tho he wasn't even here!

I took FY's advice and didn't give him my anger! Today I am better! I can see now that my anger has it's peeks and valleys, but I must remain steady. I also see I am mostly angry at being alone, alone and he has a friend! The man who hated people, bbq's and company, has a fricken friend!

So maybe I am mad at myself, or my sitch and I'm giving it all to him, not that he doesn't deserve it, but it won't help my healing or R if I give it all too him. Right now I am stuck, I will continue to be a fraud, smile and do my best to be have a life!

[albamarie]

After trying some tough love and realizing that wasn't getting me anywhere, I decided the only one I could control was myself, and that is what I did. I kept some distance, but treated him as I wanted to be treated. I was nice and kind and the loving person I have always been.

In the end, he told me the reason he came back was because he realized how good of a person I am, and he will never find someone as forgiving and loving as I. He said I am impossible to leave.

I did hear what he said, and it makes sense- It is easy to leave someone being rude or hateful, but it is difficult to leave a kind person.

This is a peek at my mask, it's kind and sweet, and expects nothing!

[albamarie]

Oh yea! By the way, Hi Nero! hope you hade a great day! It is very nice here, outside that is!

I was ranting about my rant!

Have a the best weekend you possible. SOunds great about you art project. I love pottery! My D19 is a great freehand artist, prizes and all from high school!

hugs to ya!((((((())))))))) ill stop freaking out now! dm