I feel so helpless and hopeless.It's been 15 months since H left and I still feel this way at times.
Please talk a little more about your timeline. You said your H left 15 months ago, have you been S'd ever since? Any attempts to reconcile? Do you feel your H is a WAS or MLC? Why? Is an affair involved? The more info we have on your sitch the easier it is to offer advice.
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I made a choice in April not to play "happy family" and I don't know where to go next.
April of this year or last? Up until that point had you been acting as a "happy family" ever since S? Since April what have you been doing differently? How has your sitch changed since then?
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Up until that point we would go out to eat as a family, sometimes spend weekend days together and spend holidays together.When H would come over to see the kids, we would have conversations about work,world events,etc.
Well this can be good in the respect that it reminds him of what he's missing, but it can also be bad in the respect that he may be "cake-eating"- participating in an affair while also carrying on as a "family man" and getting the best of both worlds (in his mind).
We have been married for 15 years. 2 daughters,13 and 7.
We had a fight Jan 2012 (it was a rough morning getting my D7 off to school and we ended up getting into a fight and I did say "I f$*!%ing hate you. We were also having tension due to trying to buy a house and couldn't agree on one). I ended up apologizing but H continued to sleep on the couch. We were very standoffish and H ended up moving out March 2012.
After about 1 month I asked if there was someone else and he said Yes. I'm still on the fence whether there really was someone else because he was still coming over every am,pm and weekends (I could see possible EA and maybe brief PA??). Around May of 2012 I set up that he would only see our D's one day during week and one day on weekend because I felt he was "having his cake."
At times though, we would do things as a family, go out to dinner, holidays and we even went out just us a couple times and with group of friends a couple times. We would have R talks (initiated by me) a couple times. His bottom line (from what I can interpret) is that he doesn't have a problem doing things as a family, he feels that we would be able to "be good" for a while but would eventually "end up here again" and that he doesn't feel like I have any goals beyond my current work and education situation (I am a RN with a Bachelor's degree, he is completing his Doctorate).
Around Jan of this year I felt that we were getting along good and we would have convo about our jobs, goals, everyday things, things going on in the world and I felt that even though there was no physical contact (not even holding hands) things were going better.
This Easter we were spending the day as a "family" and I suggested being intimate. He then stated I was making him uncomfortable and that if we were intimate I would "throw it in his face later on." That was when I decided to myself (but didn't speak it to him) that I would no longer play "family."
I limit my convo with him when he comes to visit our D or come pick them up. I don't text him about mundane things and we haven't done things as a family.I feel like we are strangers now.
I definitely am GAL. I do things on the weekends with my daughters and my friends. I've been getting our house in order/organizing.I'm thinking about working on my Master's degree although I'm not sure if I want to take this on or if I'm just doing this because of him;although this is not a new thought for me.I've contemplated it for several years now. I feel much better about myself and am not a blubbering mess now although I still have moments of crying,etc.
We have been married for 15 years. 2 daughters,13 and 7.
We had a fight Jan 2012 (it was a rough morning getting my D7 off to school and we ended up getting into a fight and I did say "I f$*!%ing hate you. We were also having tension due to trying to buy a house and couldn't agree on one). I ended up apologizing but H continued to sleep on the couch. We were very standoffish and H ended up moving out March 2012.
After about 1 month I asked if there was someone else and he said Yes. I'm still on the fence whether there really was someone else because he was still coming over every am,pm and weekends (I could see possible EA and maybe brief PA??). Around May of 2012 I set up that he would only see our D's one day during week and one day on weekend because I felt he was "having his cake."
At times though, we would do things as a family, go out to dinner, holidays and we even went out just us a couple times and with group of friends a couple times. We would have R talks (initiated by me) a couple times. His bottom line (from what I can interpret) is that he doesn't have a problem doing things as a family, he feels that we would be able to "be good" for a while but would eventually "end up here again" and that he doesn't feel like I have any goals beyond my current work and education situation (I am a RN with a Bachelor's degree, he is completing his Doctorate).
Around Jan of this year I felt that we were getting along good and we would have convo about our jobs, goals, everyday things, things going on in the world and I felt that even though there was no physical contact (not even holding hands) things were going better.
This Easter we were spending the day as a "family" and I suggested being intimate. He then stated I was making him uncomfortable and that if we were intimate I would "throw it in his face later on." That was when I decided to myself (but didn't speak it to him) that I would no longer play "family."
I limit my convo with him when he comes to visit our D or come pick them up. I don't text him about mundane things and we haven't done things as a family.I feel like we are strangers now.
I definitely am GAL. I do things on the weekends with my daughters and my friends. I've been getting our house in order/organizing.I'm thinking about working on my Master's degree although I'm not sure if I want to take this on or if I'm just doing this because of him;although this is not a new thought for me.I've contemplated it for several years now. I feel much better about myself and am not a blubbering mess now although I still have moments of crying,etc.
I do feel like he may have depression and possibly MLC. He is not happy in his job, he isn't close to his family, I think he questions his getting a Doctorate, I feel he drinks too much (6 pack a least 4 times a week but I really think it is nightly).
When we have had talks I told him I felt like he might have made a hasty decision in leaving and now he doesn't know how to fix it without losing face and he said "partly."
I do feel like he may have depression and possibly MLC. He is not happy in his job, he isn't close to his family, I think he questions his getting a Doctorate, I feel he drinks too much (6 pack a least 4 times a week but I really think it is nightly).
When we have had talks I told him I felt like he might have made a hasty decision in leaving and now he doesn't know how to fix it without losing face and he said "partly."
So I called H tonight to discuss an issue about our D.I ended up bringing up our R (not exactly DB way, I know).
I expressed how I didn't think it was fair how I was getting blamed for things in the R when he does some of those same things.
He stated he only wanted me to love him and he didn't feel like I did this.He also stated that the way were are acting now (stand-offish) is how he feels our whole R was.
He stated that when I told him on Mother's Day that I didn't want to spend the day together, he understood it as I no longer wanted to do things together and spend time as a family. I told him how I felt he was living the single life but also getting the benefit of a family.He said he only wanted to do what would make our Ds happy. I told him that if that was the case then him coming back would really be what would make them happy. He said we could "pretend" and I told him that I wouldn't want it that way.He said he didn't trust that we could make it work.
I stated I understood how he would feel this way and that I felt like I was showing him how I cared but that I didn't know if he saw it that way and I had no way of knowing if it was working.He said it didn't matter at this point.
We brought the conversation back to the original issue of our D and decided that we would talk to her together.
I feel like anytime we have a talk about our R, this is always how it ends-no resolution! Just frustrating!
My H LL is Physical Touch. Does anyone have any advice on how I can fulfill this since we are separated?I don't want to come across as clingy, pushy or needy.
My H and I are going to talk to our D today about an issue.H and I agree we are on the same page with how we want the conversation to go but I feel a little apprehensive. Sometimes I feel like I always have to be "on top of my game" so that I don't have H saying "there she is doing the same old thing again."
Sometimes this just feels too hard but I guess I just keep trying to remember what it is I'm working for.
Just thinking back on some things. In April, kids spent the night with H so I could go out with friends.I called when I got home to say night to kids. A few minutes later I received a text from H that said "Glad you're home safe BTW.Hope you had a good time."
Little things like this confuse me, especially when he doesn't give any indication of wanting to work on the marriage.
Have to stay focused on myself and children...sometimes it's just so hard!
