Just saying hello.

[Bluedown]

prometheus,
You've expressed my feelings so adequately. I'm overwhelmed at my situation. I went from being in control of my life to living a soap opera story filled with drama.......
I can't stop thinking about it and I've never felt so powerless over the outcome of my own life.....All I can do is pray.
Let me know if you figure out a distraction.

[prometheus]

prometheus,
Let me know if you figure out a distraction.

Hey Bluedown,

I posted on your thread the sort of things that i am trying to take on board. Distraction has only worked so much for me. In the long run, i am having to detach from the situation as best i can for my own peace of mind and health.

Try and let go of controlling the outcome...easier said than done.

[prometheus]

As far as the script you are hearing, be careful when you catch yourself saying the same script or speaking in absolutes. Lest you find YOU are becoming the WAS.

I NEVER talk in absolutes! Seriously though, i learned early on in life not to do this. In fact i think i might lean the other way to the point of being hesitant to make assertions, and to deal in an excessively open ended way...i hope that you get what i mean here...am having trouble articulating it.

I can imagine that you are having trouble thinking of things that kept you together. One exercise a counsellor will provide in M therapy is making a list of things your like about your spouse. It could be anything to the colour of their eyes, the way they laugh, being a great cook, being a loving parent, etc. Something you might try on your own.

May i ask what the object of that exercise is?

You indicate that you've worked on some of the complaints. Are you talking about the ones you listed (sulky, etc) or different ones? What have you done to work on the ones you have been and how can you work on the ones you haven't?

Different ones...have to run back to work now...sorry for the rush, and thank you.

[~ kd ~]

I'm guessing you were on lunch or coffee break? It's tough when you are in Aus time zone and many of the members are in -0500 or so.

Can you talk about how being averse to making firm commitments or boundaries might have affected your M negatively?

As far as the exercise regarding the list, I'd actually really like to hear your guess on what the object of that might be.

When you get a chance, please let us know what complaints you have worked on.

[prometheus]

I'm guessing you were on lunch or coffee break? It's tough when you are in Aus time zone and many of the members are in -0500 or so.

You are correct Kaffe Diem! A running lunch break. GMT +1000 here. I had thought about queuing my posts and submitting them at a time when more readers might be about but meh... I am very appreciative of all your input.

Can you talk about how being averse to making firm commitments or boundaries might have affected your M negatively?

Well i think that i can safely say that i don't think that i have ever given that much thought. Now that you have, in a way, paraphrased what i said, i can see that there would probably be many issues that my wife could potentially have around this. In fact i feel ashamed now to think of how lazy i have been in some aspects of our marriage.
Maybe she didn't want to make all of the decisions? I've been pretty unconscious all these years, just working a job, being content with my lot with no real ambition(my wife has never complained about this though). I don't want to make excuses - i have not been a great husband.

[~ kd ~]

I had hoped to respond to you before you went to work today... Happy little friday for you, BTW.

Guys seem to have a tendency to make all the decisions or make none of the decisions. We're dumb, that way... lol Brings up the story about only enough blood... anywho...

If you could back your truck up, how would you have acted in regards to the PARTNERSHIP of M between you and your W?

Also, since you avoided guessing at what the exercise might be for, regarding the list of things one likes about a spouse, it basically can cause the spouses to emotionally attach. By having to think about what they DO like about the other spouse, how ever minor it might be and also they can get affirmations of appreciation by hearing the positive items.

[prometheus]

I had hoped to respond to you before you went to work today... Happy little friday for you, BTW.

Hi Kaffe,
Well it is big little friday for me because i have the day off work!. It is one of the things i have started to do for me with the intention of using the spare time to GAL...

Guys seem to have a tendency to make all the decisions or make none of the decisions. We're dumb, that way... lol Brings up the story about only enough blood... anywho...

I'll look that one up....

If you could back your truck up, how would you have acted in regards to the PARTNERSHIP of M between you and your W?

I will have a think about that. Quickly though, i would have liked to have spent more time communicating, planning, goal setting? So, more collaborative is how i wished i had been i suppose?

Also, since you avoided guessing at what the exercise might be for, regarding the list of things one likes about a spouse, it basically can cause the spouses to emotionally attach. By having to think about what they DO like about the other spouse, how ever minor it might be and also they can get affirmations of appreciation by hearing the positive items.

I wasn't really avoiding guessing....just thinking about it. I ran out of time to post anyway.

My initial thoughts when i read what you wrote about writing down things i liked about my wife was..."What? that is torture....i can't stop thinking her as it is." I would need at least a page.

Are you suggesting that i try and do this together with W? Because that is very unlikely to happen at the moment....sadly.

[~ kd ~]

Well hope you are having a good day off and GALing.

Yeah, I did a quick check and the only enough blood reference is quickly highlighted on my favourite search engine.

Quickly though, i would have liked to have spent more time communicating, planning, goal setting? So, more collaborative is how i wished i had been i suppose?

Good. So, how do you think that have worked? How can you actually integrate that in your life, even if not with your W, then with other people in your life, perhaps even in your work.

My initial thoughts when i read what you wrote about writing down things i liked about my wife was..."What? that is torture....i can't stop thinking her as it is." I would need at least a page.

Are you suggesting that i try and do this together with W? Because that is very unlikely to happen at the moment....sadly.

Yeah, certainly with a M that is seriously on the rocks, this exercise can almost be painful for both parties. For the LBS because it reminds them of why they want to stay M and for the WAS because it reminds them that they can't think of anything good.

Actually, it's not that the WAS can't, they don't want to, because then it's painful for them because they don't want to think about what they'll miss or that perhaps, they're making a horrible mistake.

Nor does the WAS want to hear about what the LBS loves about them, because the WAS will possibly feel like the LBS is desperate, lying, or the WAS will otherwise feel pressured.

Anyhow, I don't think that you should be doing that exercise with your W. I mentioned it because your posts were sounding a little aloof as though you weren't sure why you would want to M your W.

So rather, is it possible you are actually stuffing your feelings rather than embracing them?

[prometheus]

You will be having a lot of information and a lot of things in your stitch thrown at you quickly. Yes, what you and your W are facing is very difficult and it will get much harder. You need to know that it will and be prepared for it.

By being prepared, I mean do not be shocked by anything your W will say to you and by what she will do. She is facing a cross-road in her life and the more you try to "talk" her out of doing anything she doesn't want to do....or the more you try to "talk" her into staying in the M, the worse things will be. Words do not work! So many H's can't seem to get that fact settled in their brain. You will have a very strong desire to try to reason with her. You will want her to be logical. It doesn't work.

She watches your behavior. Like she said, she took her rings off b/c you were not taking her seriously (or so she thought). But from what you have said, you seemed rather shocked that she did not want to work on the M. So, that tells me that she felt you were not really getting the message she had been trying to tell you over the years.

Don't misunderstand, I certainly don't mean to imply that you are to blame for all the problems. I simply want to try to explain to LBH's the viewpoint of the WAW. I may not be able to tell you what will work in your stitch, but I can tell you a lot of what won't work.

Standing your ground does not mean fighting. It just means that you do not move out of the home and leave your children. You stand firm on your values, belief system, morals, etc. If she does not want to abide by the same, you really cannot force her. She can choose to leave, but she can't force you to leave if there have been no acts violence. Your job is to remain calm and cool and do not take her bait to get into a verbal fight. It will be very difficult, but it's most important that you do not react to her, for several reasons.

Your children (and even your W) will need you to be strong and show that you are the leader of your home and you will not conduct your actions out of emotions. It is inner strength that you need. When you try to operate out of your emotions, things will begin to crumble fast. This will actually teach your children how to deal when trouble hits a M. Be a good role model to them. Not by preaching, but just living it.

You will need to have a plan of action. Number one should be that you will not do anything. Not like most men think of a plan of "action". The action is mostly inside of you. That is where the work begins. Look into your heart deeply and see what your W has seen these years that she has been unhappy. What has changed about you since she first fell in love with you? What can you do to get that guy back again? Things change and people change, but some things you can get back. Think about it and start setting some goals for just you. Not her......"you".

How are you coming on Divorce Remedy?

I keep coming back to this post, Sandi2, and re-reading it. Thank you very much for posting it.

Setting myself goals seems to be giving me some trouble. It has been one foot in front of the other for so long that i am floundering.

[prometheus]

...What strikes me when I read your posts is something I wish I had learned or better controlled earlier on: Acting "As If". Controlling my emotions in my spouse's presence and acting "As If" I am going to be just fine no matter what she did......Keep posting and read other thread's. (((hug)))

Thank you so much for posting, RealityTrip. I have really been trying to do this since my wife announced she had taken steps to become separated a little over a week ago. It has been the only way that i have been able to cope with interacting with her.

Even so, it is very hard acting "as if" I will be OK when i feel so desolate. How did acting "as if" help you? Did it improve the interactions that you had with your partner? The self control part is not easy either.

Thanks