I mean, we don't have relationship talks all that often, honestly.
Sometimes we're struggling with things to talk about in couples. As far as the day to day things go, we're fine. When we go out, we have a good time. This time of year we're both exhausted, but at least he doesn't take it out on me, and I don't take it out on him. We're pretty good about getting a date night in now and then. If we don't get one of those, then we schedule a family activity with the kiddo at least once per weekend. Our marriage, in our current state, is fine. And really, it was decent before all this mess too. Not to say this mess hasn't made our marriage better in some aspects, but it wasn't broken before the A.
I think that's probably the sh!ttiest thing about all this: the more I dig and analyze and try to figure out what went wrong and how I could have made things better the more I realize this had NOTHING to do with me.
It was H's problem. His insanity. His insecurity. His BS. He just dragged me down with him.
We honest to God did not have a crap marriage to begin with. That's why all of this was such a freaking blindsiding event. I tried to take responsibility for a long time. Maybe I was neglectful. Maybe I wasn't as loving and attention giving as I should have been. Maybe if I'd been more adventurous or more fun. Maybe if I made more money or managed my money better.
No. The more we dig and analyze, and the more we talk, the more we realize this was just him being a selfish d!ck. Sure, he was scared. Sure, he wasn't intentionally malicious. But the long and short of this is he screwed this up all on his own. And he came to this conclusion faster than I did.
I don't like being the victim. I don't like stuff just "happening" to me. I don't expect, or want, anyone to feel sorry for me.
But this was not my fault. And at least when you take fault/responsibility, you feel like there's something you can do to prevent it from happening again.
Maybe that's why the thought of being pregnant angers me so. If he fu&ks up again, then I'm the big fool who allowed myself to be in that vulnerable state again knowing what I know. And then I'll have no one to blame but myself.
