round and around we go

[BrightFuture]

Wilbwell, continue to be “great”. Continue with GAL. I have a hard time right now with my GAL, so I praise you for doing all these activities. My H also seems to be pretty busy with his life and doesn’t seem to miss me at all. It is hard, but I try to remind myself that my life is not determined by what he thinks or feels about me. I’ve been reading a lot of posts on this board recently, and in a lot of stories where WAS spouses came back, the LBH were completely detached and didn’t care about the outcome. I’m still struggling myself to come to this point.

[willbwell]

yes, BUT...its one thing to do it to me. quite another for him to do to his kids who love him unconditionally( maybe that is my jealousy showing thru) I do all the parenting!

Bright Future- You can GAL!! Plenty of options out there..school, church,volunteer. I went online and joined a group of women in a dinner club and bookclub( meetup.com) taking my classes at a community college.I go to a local divorce/separated support group.

[Tallula]

yes, BUT...its one thing to do it to me. quite another for him to do to his kids who love him unconditionally( maybe that is my jealousy showing thru) I do all the parenting!

Ok, look. I get it. The few times I have suggested say to take the focus off your H, you respond with BUT HE!!!
We are all dealing with the same thing here. They don't just ignore us but the kids too. My H has done it, yours isn't unique. Many on here have dealt with abuse way worse and you or I have. Anger is justified. My H went a month barely seeing his YOUNG (2 and 4) children...AND I'M PREGNANT!!! I don't say this to be like "Hey, my deal is worse.." I say this to say, I understand. All of us here understand. You don't have to explain why you are angry. I know why you are, and I'm not saying you can't feel that way or that you shouldn't... BUT

What is your goal?

You really need to get clear on this. If your goal is to keep the path home clear for your H, you need to start doing the things suggested. Few texts or calls, calm & pleasant interactions with H. No bringing up R talks, etc. Trust me, I'd be all "happy, happy!" when my H would call and cancel on the kids YET AGAIN...get off and go to town on a punching bag, go off on him to my friends or come here and vent. But to him, "Ok, fine." Then I stopped telling my kids they would see him. The R between my kids and H is there business. They are lucky to have mothers like us who care. If you don't know what you want, then get clear on that.

The suggestions here are solid. They help you! They help us to stop harming our R, and put the focus on ourselves.

Please know, I'm not trying to beat you up! I see alot of anger in your posts and interactions with H, and I'm just trying to get you to keep your goal in mind and try some of the suggestions. Heck, sometimes I took the high road just to show "Neener Neener, I'm better than you, you crazy jerk!!" but I thought more curse words...heheh. I know soooo many times my H would say/do something crazy hurtful or just plain dumb, and I'd want to smack the c r a p out of him or scream. But, I didn't. Today I'm gratful. I focused on only the things I have control over, myself. Let them be all crazy and silly. Because, trust me, that is what everyone around us was thinking. Even my H's best friend said the following when he helped my H move his things back in this weekend "So, now you have to be a responcible adult. How do you think you'll pull that off..." Hehe.

You are doing great! Especially with your GALs and such.
BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[labug]

Have you ever heard that everything you say before the but is bullsh!t?

Read some of your posts again and cross out the words before the but (sometimes it's implied) and see what you're left with.

Be brutally honest with yourself.

You can do this.

[labug]

I was thinking about you this morning. As I was trying to settle into my morning meditation, I kept trying to blame an issue on my H. I would think about the problem and my part in it and then my mind would go to "yeah but if he had only..."

This went on for minutes until I had to once again, face the reality that I can't blame others for things I've done and it's really hard when I have to look at myself and say "You were at fault."

I used the "if he would only" excuse for far too long.

Knowing what I did allows me to work on fixing whatever it is within myself that needs to be fixed.

It also brings me back to I only control me.

Hope you have a good weekend.

[Tallula]

Bug is so very right.

Even today when my H will bring up something I have done that is harmful, I find myself thinking "Really?!?! REALLY!! You have been lying to me for years!!! And I hurt your feelings when I did, such and such.." But then I take a deep breath, and think "He's right. that was harmful."

I don't want who I am & my actions to be dependant on how I'm treated by each individual.

[willbwell]

I couldn't read the responses yesterday. I had to put the computer away. I was covering my ears and my eyes. Here I was thinking, detach so h will miss me and want to come back to me instead of detach so I can learn to move on without H.I don't think H wants to come back at this point.
I am more calm and peaceful today. Such strong emotions still rise up in me. Life is not fair, it is how we choose to respond. I know all of this.
I am pleasant when H is around. I have stopped asking the kids if their dad has called.
Not blaming H is something I am going to have to work on.

[Tallula]

I couldn't read the responses yesterday. I had to put the computer away. I was covering my ears and my eyes. Here I was thinking, detach so h will miss me and want to come back to me instead of detach so I can learn to move on without H.I don't think H wants to come back at this point.

Detaching is for you! It also stops us from causing more damage to our M's. It's not about moving on or getting them to see anything. It's about taking the focus off of them, and putting it on us. That's why, coupled with GALS and 180's, WE get better regardless of what happens with our spouses.

I am more calm and peaceful today. Such strong emotions still rise up in me. Life is not fair, it is how we choose to respond. I know all of this.
I am pleasant when H is around. I have stopped asking the kids if their dad has called.
Not blaming H is something I am going to have to work on.

Ok, well in your previous posts you said you texted him alot and would bring up R talks and your interactions seemed riddled with guilt and anger. So, maybe I misunderstood. Or you just started being pleasant with him and asking your kids if he texted.

It's not about not blaming him, it's about not using his wrongs and an excuse to treat him badly. That's all.

Seems like the things Bug and I said may have upset you, and just know that we aren't trying to pick you apart or hurt your feelings. We are here to help. We have all been there.

[willbwell]

new day.. wanted to text H this am to say I didn't sleep well. for no other reason than I miss talking to my friend. I didn't . I came here instead. I started my class this past week. I have applied for a Med assistant program. Still need to take a math assessment in the next couple of weeks(need to study first- getting my kids to help me!) Slept terrible last night because I am feeling overwhelmed at the work. Really , I shouldn't be on site, I should be studying! Debating if I should just go get a job.
Tallula and bug, thank you for checking in.

[willbwell]

interesting day... H spent more time hanging around today. I did my usual, yoga, church, grocery, study, dinner, laundry.
get a flirty text from H. I did text back...ok now,don't start something you are not ready to finish...
no expectations right?