round and around we go

[willbwell]

H took me to airport this am. We chatted on the way there. All seemed"normal" I would have loved to give a quick kiss like in the past... No I did not but I thought it. We waved a goodbye as he drove off. He will pick me up tomorrow.
And we will go to daughters recital.

I still want to give him the benefit of the doubt. To come back to us . To figure this out. He'll stay at the house tonight with the kids. I've told my boys 16&19 to be home with dad to hang out tonight. I left the house clean. He's typeA and I'm more chaotic. He'll still notice smudges it's just the way he is. I'm trying to be more organized but still have a looong way to go!
He makes me laugh. I always smile around him. It's not fake. He'll make comments for example he's drinking a vanilla latte. He'll say he heeds the added sweetness. I need to remember to shows my appreciation of him !

[willbwell]

Had a good time at my HS reunion. friends ask about H. I say he's fine. I still wear my wedding ring. H is going to get together with some of his old friend mid-July. They all turn 50 this year. I'm glad for that. I thinks its good for him to reconnect.
I tried NC with H. I don't feel like NC makes a difference. He justs stays busy with his job and doesn't think about us. He doesn't miss us because he is so consumed with his job. I want to send him text updates so that he can at least know we are having good days and are active and living our lives(me and kids)He doesn't text/talk with the boys very much.
I start a class tomorrow( a prereq for my med assisting course in Aug). And, although it is good that it will keep me busy and focused, I have some underlying hostility about it... i'm doing this more so because I have to rather than want to. I am sure I can accomplish it, but I have some self doubt as well. I'm having a bit of a pity party.

[mizjjd]

I tried NC with H.

Remember this is NOT done for affect (that would mean you had expectations!) Its done for your benefit, it helps you detach. It looks like you are still pursuing your H, are you?

I understand the pity party, I think most do that from time to time. Recognizing that you are doing it is good.

Change can be very hard, especially when it is thrust upon us instead of chosen. But regardless of the cause, changes just keep a comin'.

You will be learning valuable things, including the ability to get a decent job and take care of yourself. This is something that you could find yourself in need of no matter how your M turns out. (H could become ill, disabled etc.) And think about what great strength messages you're sending your kids!!

Hang in there WBW. Hope your class went well.

[Tallula]

"I tried NC with H. I don't feel like NC makes a difference. He justs stays busy with his job and doesn't think about us. He doesn't miss us because he is so consumed with his job. I want to send him text updates so that he can at least know we are having good days and are active and living our lives(me and kids)He doesn't text/talk with the boys very much."

You have read DB or DR, right? Just last night my H said how important my detaching, then NC was to him really seeing that his unhappiness was him. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to really work on me and dropping any and all expectations of my H. This journey is about helping you first and minimizing the damage we do our R's when we "react" and such.

I get the work/school thing. I was a SAHM for 4 years and last year started working 2 days a week. I have added another day and don't want to work fulltime, but if I have to, so be it. I try to look at everything as an opportunity. Making the best of it. Independance!!

[AnotherStander]

He justs stays busy with his job and doesn't think about us. He doesn't miss us because he is so consumed with his job.

This is just mind-reading. The WAS is a master of acting calm, cool, collected and confident on the outside. But inside a storm is raging, they're fighting with themselves over whether they're doing the right thing. They do miss their old life, but they're trying to convince themselves that a new life is a better choice. They'll keep going back and forth on that, but they'll never let the LBS know that storm is raging in there.

I want to send him text updates so that he can at least know we are having good days and are active and living our lives(me and kids)

If you're on Facebook and he's one of your "friends", this is actually one of the few things FB is good for. You can do stuff with the kids and post pics of it on FB. Not to him, but just as a timeline update. That way he'll see it without you having to send it directly to him. What you want him to see is that you and the kids are living a life without him and not just surviving, but actually enjoying it.

He doesn't text/talk with the boys very much.

In reading sitches here it seems that this is fairly common with WAH's and less common with WAW's. I'm not sure why that is, maybe it's because of women's maternal instincts. Anyway, it seems like WAH's do eventually come around and start reaching out to their kids again, but it can take a lot of time before that happens.

And, although it is good that it will keep me busy and focused, I have some underlying hostility about it... i'm doing this more so because I have to rather than want to. I am sure I can accomplish it, but I have some self doubt as well. I'm having a bit of a pity party.

Nothing wrong with a pity party as long as it's held in private and doesn't impact your kids or H It sounds like that even though you "have to" do this, it will lead to personal growth and development. So try and embrace that part of it!

[willbwell]

Thanks everybody for the feedback. H is not on facebook.
I am not detached. Wish I were, know it would make things easier.
I guess I want H to realize what he is missing...

having no expectations is so hard!

I know that life gives no one guarantees...we have to make the best of each and every day. I do look for silver linings
I was on the campus today buying a book for my class...I do love being on campus, the learning. Homework, tests will be another story!

seeing a C with son 19 next week. He's most bothered by the sit. We have a good R, we talk. He has a good R with his brother & sister. My silver lining! My blessing!

[Tallula]

Thanks everybody for the feedback. H is not on facebook.
I am not detached. Wish I were, know it would make things easier.
I guess I want H to realize what he is missing...

having no expectations is so hard!

That's why I asked if you had read the books. We don't come here and simply detach and leave our spouses alone and feel great about it. It's a process, and an important one. Really look at what AS said. He was instrumental in helping me early in my sitch. It was physically painful to NOT text my H constantly, to do the 180's, the GALs to start the process of detaching. And it is a process. It is also a process to drop expectations and outcomes. But it starts by being willing to take a different path. Actions we feel in our bones that are wrong...but I'm here to tell you, It's imperative.

So...have you read the books?

What were your H's complaints in the M?

What are your 180's you are focusing on this week?

You GALs for the week?

Copy and read daily Sandi's tips. I read them constantly in the first few months.
I used this place to vent, but also as a place to put in blacka and white my weekly, daily plans of action. To stay accountable.

[willbwell]

I've read the books and many others as well! I go over Sandi's tips. H doesn't complain, never did...maybe part of problem, let the little grievences build up. I know my role. I made fun of his job(disrespectful)I can be a smart alec. Sometimes I am opionated.We have different politics. I get more outraged than he does.I am more messy whereas he is a very orderly. He wanted more sex than I did. I'd turn away. Thought we had solved that one though. we just needed change in timing(AM vs PM)
I have plenty of GAL'S. I am taking classes. I see my friends and family regularly. I do yoga 3x's a week at least. I am engaged and involved with my kids. I am spiritual and know beauty and laughter... why in the world would he leave. I'm pretty great really!
180's are hard. he isn't around too much to notice changes. here's what I'm trying. Not talking so much, listening, Saying thankyou always. putting on makeup and dressing nice whenever he's around. I'm more of a ponytail, jeans & tshirt girl.
The process I know, but I miss talking and sharing with my H.

[willbwell]

part of my deal is I keep thinking my H is better than all of this, but his story reads the same!
How is it they behave in ways that we would never imagine behaving???
It is not ok. That is what I feel so strongly about and am having such a hard time coming to terms with!!

[Tallula]

part of my deal is I keep thinking my H is better than all of this, but his story reads the same!
How is it they behave in ways that we would never imagine behaving???
It is not ok. That is what I feel so strongly about and am having such a hard time coming to terms with!!

I get it!!!

My H has lived a double life our whole marriage. So, I focused on me. I was unorganized too. Now, my house runs in tip top shape. I have a 2 and 4 year old and a baby on the way in 10 weeks, so I needed to do this FOR ME! I started counciling, DBing and for me, ala-non. I started detaching in December and went NC in march/april except for kids. My H was crazy and all over the place. I redecorated my house, started painting and drawing again. Rediscovered things I about me I let slowly slip away since becoming a mom.

Now that H wants back in, I don't know that I want him back. But, I'm willing to see.

You need to take the focus off him. His crazy, his (in your view) poor decisions. Put the focus on you. Will you be mad..yes. You can vent, but focus on you. You will survive and thrive without your H. I worked really hard to not take my H's behavior personally. My reactions to him were calm. Did I want to bash in his head, yep. But if he did something that invoked a strong emotional reaction in me, I waited to react. Calmed down. Did I pick a bad H? Maybe. But here I am. Is your H better than this? Maybe, maybe not. But YOU are.