Dont know what to do...

[Cianna]

Ok... I really am sorry about the multiple topics, I couldnt see where they were to keep posting to them as my post history remained blank.. Thanks for all your help cleaning up my mess!

I had a whole post answering everyone typed out, and its gone.. Oh well.. Teaching me to be more succinct!

I have not gotten legal representation as of yet. As soon as I do, he will just crow "See!! I KNEW she would do it, I KNEW she would turn out to be just after my money!" Plus, I dont have any money to obtain one.

Yes, Ive stopped talking about anything when RM is in the house... Not that its going to stop him from going to H with stuff anyway. I literally could say to my other RM "Hey its a gorgeous day out, we should sit by the pool" and MRM (Male Roommate) would run to H, "She is bragging about her pool."

I had quite a bit of time to think the first weekend after BD. He went away with GF, and I was home alone... crying, and evaluating. I had written him a letter, which I never sent.. but this is what I had concluded at the end of that weekend in regards to my sexuality "I have also made some decisions about how I am going to live the rest of my life. I will not be opening any relationship up. While I think it is a beautiful way to live, there are very few people who understand its sacrifices. Currently, I do not identify as gay. I identify myself as married. In the future, I will identify as single. My orientation, whatever it is, does not define who I am, it is a minimal facet of the whole of me." I had had a FB profile that was gay, that H had encouraged me to create, to be "out and proud, you shouldnt have to hide yourself". I had already changed that to married, straight.

I did tell him a few major points I had come to over the weekend, I was doing 180s without realizing it. I deleted all dating profiles. When the BD, I had gone to a friends house and people were calling me telling me that he was saying I was at my ex GFs house, etc. When I came back and told him where I was, he immediately accused me of sleeping with my friend... all because I took shaving cream that is for bikini lines. I honestly dont even remember why I grabbed it, except that I wasnt sure how long Id be gone, and figured I might want to actually groom.

Could I live in a committed het/mono R with H? WIthout a shadow of a doubt! In the past, when things go south, we close and recenter. During those times, I am perfectly content with just my H. H is always the one to start getting antsy, and begins dating again. I dont know that HE can live in a mono R. H is highly sexed, at a couple points over the last 18 years he has come to me and said that he thinks he is a deviant, a perv and a sex addict. I havent seen any indication of those things, but I did tell him if he needs it he should get help.

The BD came on the heels of H and GF choosing to tell her mother about our R. Immediately, she started saying we were wrong, it was wrong, H was brainwashing us, its disgusting, etc. Weeks of conferences with H and GF (myself excluded) and this is where we get to the BD.

Absolutely, his MAIN issue is lack of trust. Its lack of trust that I do not treat people the way I used to, lack of trust that I AM 100% fullfilled by him, and only him, an lack of trust that I will go back to taking advantage of him. Only time will reveal the truth to him, and I am hoping that I do have some time left.