My story, like everyones here is long.... however, much more complicated.
This is EXTREMELY long. Its very complicated.
H and I met in '95. I had been in an abusive relationship that I had managed to break off, technically. I was a single mom to a terminally ill toddler, and for financial reasons had to remain in the home with my abuser. I slept with my daughter every night. I had met my now H online and we had socially interacted. After I broke off the engagement, he and I began dating. This turned out be very dangerous living with my abuser. It came to a head, and H had to remove myself and my daughter for our safety. He moved us in with him. H and I were already in love.
During dating, I had expressed to H that I had interest in women. H was supportive, and had been a swinger, and after much discussion we began that lifestyle. As time went on we noticed that I had no interest in other men, and both of us were forming emotional attachments to our partners. Again, we discussed it at length and decided we were Polyamorous.
Over the course of our 18 years together, (we married in '98) we each would date separately and together. For the bulk of our history we had a firm handle on the structure of our marriage, and when problems arose, we simply closed our relationship, resolved our issues and then opened up again.
The general feeling for both of us is that the other NEEDED others to be happy. Little did either one of us realize, we were more focused on the needs of the other and not our own.
Each one of our relationships ended badly. Most women think they are going to be ok and happy in this type of family structure, and realize too late they are not. Both H and I experienced devastating loses of loves. However, the strength of our marriage never faltered. Until, Vanessa.
We met Vanessa and her H on a swinger site, which we would dabble in still. H, Vanessa (with the full support and consent of her H) and I decided that we would date Vanessa together. As with any new relationship it started out perfect. There were lots of family meetings, to ensure the comfort of each partner. Then Vanessa came to me and said that she couldnt continue dating me, and we all discussed she and H continuing to date. We agreed they could. As expected, it created animosity and hurt, alienating Vanessa from me, and creating issues in her marriage as well as ours. Finally, I insisted they stop seeing each other. H was resentful of that, and we decided on an inhouse trial separation. We began counseling with a therapist that was supportive of poly and plural relationships.
During my individual sessions my therapist began focusing on my orientation. After much counseling, some testing, and soul searching I realized I am gay. The confusion for me came in that with my husband I am absolutely hetro. My therapist explained it is common among all orientations to have that one person that goes against your natural orientation. This comforted me. We decided to tell H at our next couple session. H's response was supportive and kind, in fact not even slightly surprised. He joked that everyone already knew, I was the last to find out. We thought that it wouldnt be an issue because of our lifestyle. Sure enough, as I came out to people (with H's encouragement) each person responded as he did. The joke became my gaydar is so bad I didnt even know I was.
As weeks went on, H began to withdraw more and more. I attributed it to injuries he had sustained in a severe motorcycle accident late the previous year. I supported him the best I could. One night, he had been drinking and became very emotional. He started saying that he felt like he was holding me back from my true nature and finding the one woman as a life partner. I did what I could to assure him that the only life partner I wanted was him. A couple months later, we ended our separation, and got back together. I felt we were back on solid ground as a couple, in an open marriage. We began dating again.
H was still holding incredible amounts of resentment towards me for the loss of Vanessa. I wasnt aware of it, and Im not sure H was either. As he dated, it seemed he would only pick women that were monogamous. As I saw the signs of them putting a wedge between us, I end it. Each one adding to his resentment.
Last year, we met Candace. They began dating in September. We were unaware that she had a boyfriend. As soon as H found out he told her that they could not date until she either got the consent of her BF, or they broke up. She chose to break up with her BF. Then we found out that she was in fact still MARRIED to her H of 10 years but legally separated, and had been living as divorced for a year.
Over the course of the months, Candace was very emotionally torn. She would continuously have melt downs requiring H to leave our home to console her. Sometimes in the middle of the night. I saw no problem with this. Its his GF after all, its what he does. The first week of November, Candace broke up with H, saying she needed to try one last time with her H. As heartbroken as H was, he supported her. Candace and I had become extremely close during the time they dated, and the break up was devastating to both of us.
A couple weeks later, it became obvious (we live in a VERY small close knit town, that Candace grew up in) that she had gone back to dating her ex BF that she had broken up with to date H.
In January of this year, H and Candace had begun communicating with each other behind my back. I had forbidden him to talk to her, as I felt she was dishonest and would manipulate us to break us up to get H all to herself. She then began talking to me, and I missed my friend. As we made amends, I decided to relent, and allow them to date. On January 24, we had a family meeting. We discussed the boundaries of this structure. After the technicalities were worked out, I chose to remove any power to control their relationship. I recognized it was unfair. H expressed that he had been resentful of my power to do so in his relationships, and was thankful I had chosen to change it. Yes, H also had the same power over my relationships, which he exercised once.
The 4 weeks following that meeting were nothing short of blissful. H and I had finally found the person who would complete our family structure as we had always wanted it. We were making plans to move her and her 4 children into our house. we told the oldest daughter (16) of what was going on, and we were met with excitement and love.
Then something happened, no one can put their finger on what it was... But, suddenly H was becoming scared that Candace was going to leave again. He started to focus more on her, and began neglecting me, which caused jealousy and resentment for me. For 3 months, the situation simply escalated. We had told Candaces mother about us, and her mother was adamantly opposed to it, and as word spread around town, people started nasty ugly rumors about us. H and I had dealt with this in the past, and we tried to help Candace work through it. She began shutting down, and pulling away. This created more tension between H and I. I began to cling to him, which pushed him towards her.
There began day after day that H would only be with Candace, as they had conversation after conversation about her ability to live this lifestyle with the stigma, and loss of family. H stated emphatically, if he lost her he would hate me forever, as she cited my attitude as a major cause of her discomfort.
On April 20th, a very very dear friend was killed on her motorcycle. Both H and I were very close to her and her fiance'. The family asked me to assist in arrangements, and officiate the services. The loss of this woman was incredibly painful. She had been one of our largest supporters of our life, the kindest gentlest, most loving person. In fact, she touched so many lives there were 5 memorial services for her within 7 days of her death.
The morning of the services I was close to a total break down. As I sat smoking, shaking, H held my hands and was simply not equipped to do much more than tell me he loved me and Id get through it. Suddenly, something snapped... I looked at H and said, "This is BS. I need to stop my damn pity party, and remember this is not about me or my loss, its about her." I felt all the anger, resentment, and vengeance that I had carried with me my entire life drain from me. I used to be a person that took on everyones fight. When it came to me, I would demand justice for any wrong doing to me, or any friend or family member. This caused the loss of many people in our lives. More resentment from H. It was on that morning I realized, its not worth it. Life is too short.
On May 8, H and I got into a huge fight over a misunderstanding... It was the final straw for him. He demanded a divorce. His reasons were he didnt like the man he had become married to me, he was tired of people telling him that I was ruining him, tired of losing people because of me. Of course, over the next few days, when we saw each other there were fights and tears and accusations. Finally, he said, he loved me very much but he is not in love with me. He insists that he can not change if he is with me... He continued seeing Candace.
While I knew we had issues, I was in denial that they were this bad. I do feel that her constant presence is simply making it worse... easier for him to avoid his marriage at home. I felt blindsided, and it felt as though I had no control over my life. I dont. This entire thing is being dictated by he and Candace. To make matters worse, they are openly together as a family now, he took his ring off on the 8th. She continues to tell me she loves me and wants us to work on our issues, but encourages him to be with her.
At this point he is home maybe 1x a week, does his best to not lay eyes on me. He originally demanded that I move out, but Ive been unemployed for 10 years due to chronic illnesses. ( another source of resentment) He finally begrudgingly allowed me to stay, and he moved into the downstairs guest room.
At first, I did all the wrong things... pleaded, promised to change, cried, got mad, pushed, pulled, reacted.. It had the expected result. As of 2 weeks ago, H has begun saying he doesnt love me, and wants me to just give him the amount I want for alimony so he knows how bad I am going to screw him over so he can be done with it, and he can get to supporting his new family.
I had begun the work on me, I also began living as I will when Im single. I do 100% of the household maintenance, cleaning, caring for our dogs, horses (Candace is boarding her horse with us.) and the property. I realized that I was making H feel unappreciated for all that he provides, and I fixed that. I still have not had any anger, or feeling of "Im going to make them pay for what they did." My friends tell me that I am much more peaceful. Ive repaired a couple friendships as well, which makes me very happy.
When dealing with H , I am doing my best to not defend myself... He talks to everyone in town about us, and then calls me accusing me if saying terrible things about him that others are telling him. Outside of those conversations, I am happy, positive, and agreeable. He has been telling me that one of the reasons he cant talk to me face to face is because he just cant keep his head straight, and the anger takes over. When he gets agitated now, I simply take responsibility for making him angry, apologize and then leave it alone. Yesterday we actually managed small talk, over text. I havent talked to him today, and thats on purpose, with the holiday, and household issues, I have contacted him a lot. Im not going to contact him if I can help it, I think he needs more space.
Im nervous that he is just focused on his new family, and in blissful denial. I love him very much (stopped telling him that), am very much in love with him, and have already forgiven him the things hes said, and that hes still with Candace. He will only talk to his buddies, one of which just had a very bitter divorce. My friends tell me that he wont go through with it, but I believe he will. He makes sure to look me in the face and say, "Im just waiting for the amount, so I can get an attorney and end this marriage." He does this at least a couple times a week. I had begged him for just some time, time that we could maybe try to find a place were we are at least able to be in the same room. That made him angry and said I was pushing. I stopped.
While we had issues prior to Candace, he left me and went to her. I kind of feel like Im fighting a losing battle.
Yes, if he has decided he cant be poly/open and wanted to come back, I would not only be willing to close our marriage, Id be happy to do so. I explained to him that my orientation (he told me recently he still resents that Im gay) is one minor facet of me, and does not define me as person. Ive also decided to identify as "married". It feels right.
Tonight, I was on my way to dinner with my roommate, and I was surprised to see H in the family room. My reaction was certainly sincere, surprised but happy tonsee him, as I dont get to see him but in passing once or twice a week. He questioned me about a charge on our account, questioned me as to my plans. I had to bite my tongue, I must ask permission to use the account, and then account for every dollar spent (hes never been like this in the past) in addition to accounting for my whereabouts. I am not allowed to inquire the same of him, his money, his house, he spends and comes and goes as he pleases.
I went outside to smoke and so he didnt feel pressured to interact with me as I waited for my roomate. He poked his head out of the back door and angerily informed me that the clothes rod in the laundry room holding his clothes had fallen and no one picked it up. I responded with, "Oh, Im sorry, I havent been in there at all today." He stormed away, then came back, and sat at the patio table with me. He initiated small talk about what Ive been up to.. we talked for a minute discussing the horses, etc. Then he said, "I wasnt going to bring this up, then I got p*****, and so... First, I dont want you paying for anyone else with my money." Before I could stop myself, I said, "I havent...." He brought up a dinner charge from.last week when I had gone to dinner with another friend, that he had been told about. He said that a $58 dinner bill was obvious I had paid for two. I repeated I hadnt, and told him what I had ordered. He then launched into being taken advantage of by everyone and hes tired of it. That he pays thousands of dollars a month on a home he is not able to enjoy. I listened, and said, "ok." He then began grilling me about what number I had come to, if I had begin to think about it, and that I needed to get it figured out. He had offered me alimony equaling 25%. He reiterated that it was a more than generous offer, if I dont agree that I am forcing this process to get ugly. I simply listened. He then began telling me that he will sell the house if I dont make a decsion. He wants me to leave, rent a room, and get a job. He then plans on moving his GF into the house. He had purchased the home as Sole and Seperate property, originally because of my credit and medical debt. Told me over the last year, he would put my name on ot, he never did. If I dont leave, he is threatening to sell the home and force me out. The equity would only cover closing costs, and no more. Ensuring I get nothing out of it. He went on to outline his other decsions, paying off my car, and selling his stocks to pay our astronomical tax debt. Thankfully, my roommate showed up then, and I was able to get out. He wants my "number" by next week.
Obviously, he is trying to get me to settle out of court. The only way I can live on the amount he has given me is if I rent a cheap room, and get a fairly high paying job.
This behavior is absolutely out of character for a man who has been nothing but kind, warm, nurturing and showered me with exoensive gifts over the last 18years. On Valentines Day he made me the most beautiful card, telling me how lucky he is, and that I am his soulmate.
Now that Ive caused you all to go blind reading my book.. What do you think?
I think this is her story post and I am not sure if KD has it above if so I apoligize for bumping all the other threads.
Sometimes moderation is tough.
I will go through and notify all mods to lock all the other ones now.
I just lost a whole 'post... frustrating.. switching to my laptop, iPad going to be death of me!!
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
Ok... I really am sorry about the multiple topics, I couldnt see where they were to keep posting to them as my post history remained blank.. Thanks for all your help cleaning up my mess!
I had a whole post answering everyone typed out, and its gone.. Oh well.. Teaching me to be more succinct!
I have not gotten legal representation as of yet. As soon as I do, he will just crow "See!! I KNEW she would do it, I KNEW she would turn out to be just after my money!" Plus, I dont have any money to obtain one.
Yes, Ive stopped talking about anything when RM is in the house... Not that its going to stop him from going to H with stuff anyway. I literally could say to my other RM "Hey its a gorgeous day out, we should sit by the pool" and MRM (Male Roommate) would run to H, "She is bragging about her pool."
I had quite a bit of time to think the first weekend after BD. He went away with GF, and I was home alone... crying, and evaluating. I had written him a letter, which I never sent.. but this is what I had concluded at the end of that weekend in regards to my sexuality "I have also made some decisions about how I am going to live the rest of my life. I will not be opening any relationship up. While I think it is a beautiful way to live, there are very few people who understand its sacrifices. Currently, I do not identify as gay. I identify myself as married. In the future, I will identify as single. My orientation, whatever it is, does not define who I am, it is a minimal facet of the whole of me." I had had a FB profile that was gay, that H had encouraged me to create, to be "out and proud, you shouldnt have to hide yourself". I had already changed that to married, straight.
I did tell him a few major points I had come to over the weekend, I was doing 180s without realizing it. I deleted all dating profiles. When the BD, I had gone to a friends house and people were calling me telling me that he was saying I was at my ex GFs house, etc. When I came back and told him where I was, he immediately accused me of sleeping with my friend... all because I took shaving cream that is for bikini lines. I honestly dont even remember why I grabbed it, except that I wasnt sure how long Id be gone, and figured I might want to actually groom.
Could I live in a committed het/mono R with H? WIthout a shadow of a doubt! In the past, when things go south, we close and recenter. During those times, I am perfectly content with just my H. H is always the one to start getting antsy, and begins dating again. I dont know that HE can live in a mono R. H is highly sexed, at a couple points over the last 18 years he has come to me and said that he thinks he is a deviant, a perv and a sex addict. I havent seen any indication of those things, but I did tell him if he needs it he should get help.
The BD came on the heels of H and GF choosing to tell her mother about our R. Immediately, she started saying we were wrong, it was wrong, H was brainwashing us, its disgusting, etc. Weeks of conferences with H and GF (myself excluded) and this is where we get to the BD.
Absolutely, his MAIN issue is lack of trust. Its lack of trust that I do not treat people the way I used to, lack of trust that I AM 100% fullfilled by him, and only him, an lack of trust that I will go back to taking advantage of him. Only time will reveal the truth to him, and I am hoping that I do have some time left.
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
And last night, again.. he texted me telling me that I needed to be out of the house all day on Saturday so that he could bring his GFs kids over to swim. I told him I couldnt as I was going to be preparing for a birthday party that our roommate was throwing for her BF. (He has already given permission for this event) He got belligerent, and after simply telling him there was no reason they couldnt be here when I was here, he said, "Youve been running around town calling my GF a homewrecking whore, I dont want to be anywhere near you, and I certainly dont want her kids around you." And... it went all downhill from there.. I ended up in a sobbing mess, and he ended telling me that he knew I only stayed with him for his money.
Incidentally... We do have a very comfortable life. One income in California is unheard of, let alone in an area that we are in. He works extremely hard for our large home, horses, property, etc. However, we are no Rockefellers, and he doesnt do manual labor.. He is an IT Executive. His spending habits have landed us in some pretty hot water in the past, and its all catching up to us now.
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
So.. 4 months ago, the GF decided to put herself on the account for the feed and hay for the horses. I was perturbed by it, but let it slide, after all, she was going to be his wife as well. H and GF both said they would put me on the account, and of course never did.
Since the whole thing blew up, Ive been taking care of the horses, and getting the feed deliveries. They come about 2x a month. The last 6 deliveries Ive gotten have come to the GF using OUR last name. Since the beginning of the month, I have been asking H to take her name OFF the account, as it lists her first name and OUR last name. He keeps telling me that he has been asking them to, but, they just havent done it. Well, today, I get another delivery, again to the GF, with our last name. I decided to call the feed store directly, and have the REMOVE her name. I didnt add mine, I simply said remove hers, and leave it under Hs name, he is the one that pays the bill. OF course, there was no indication that he had called prior to me to get her name off the account. I dont think Im going to even say anything.
This is on the heels of last week me asking VERY nicely to have the GF stop posting pictures of them as a couple at our mutual friends homes, and he flipped out on me telling me that I never change, and who cares anyway, its just FB.... I told him its disrespectful. Because *I* have been not posting anything negative or about the D on FB, I tagged him in a couple of very innocuous and funny ecards. H texted me this am saying, "stop tagging me on FB, way inappropriate." Really? So, its ok to run around town flaunting your GF, taking pics, etc.. and tagging you in an ecard that something funny having nothing to do with anything is way inappropriate?
GRRRR... I know... I know.. DETACH, DETACH detach... This is turning out to be a very difficult task. I am not clear whether or not I am upset with these things because Im jealous, bitter, or setting boundaries. All of the above?
Sigh...
M:42 H:40 T: 18yrs M: 14yrs Open R/M: 18 years D19 S24 From PM 1st S 6 '08 Reconciled 8 '08 H BD, separated 5/9/13 Filed for S on 6/12/13 H committed to monogamous GF now
Thanks for all your help cleaning up my mess!
