Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

Moving forward doesn't mean giving up all hope. W informed me a few weeks ago that she will file when the kids get out of school (they get out this week). I just bought an SUV because I don't have the use of W's van anymore (and I'm taking the kids on vacation next week). I've worked out my expenses and projections for life without W and have been living that for some time now. I've even gone out on several dates. I simply do not expect W to return, ever. But I do still have a kernel of hope in there. People have reconciled against much greater odds than W and I are facing, and it could happen to us too. I don't expect it to and I'm living my life accordingly. But if W were to suddenly have a change of heart, I'd be open to reconciling.

You can have hope without having expectations, and you can have hope without clinging to your W. I can't remember if this is in DR or just here on the forums, but the mantra about getting to the point where you know you will not just survive, but you will thrive whether your W is part of your life or not; that's where you need to be. That's a lot different than surrendering hope.

I have taken or am taking those steps. Getting a bigger place. Scheduling vacation with just me and the girls. Budgeting. Etc. I think I am doing the things I need to be doing, and I see mistakes that I made before beginning the DB process.

I feel optimistic about the future. About my four girls and my life with them. About my career. About becoming who I am supposed to be.

To be perfectly honest, I think I have been holding onto some form of expectation the entire time. Not intentionally, but I just can't seem to convince myself that it is over. It's this last little kernel of "expectation" that I can't seem to let go of.

Inside of me, down at the very core, there is this little voice that says, "not yet." It's coming from the same place that knew I was in love with her months before my brain knew. And so I feel like I should listen to that voice, but in the end it may be just me fooling myself so I can survive today without having to change.

For me, "hope" and "expectation" intertwine easily and it's difficult to have the latter without the former. I haven't solved the riddle of how to do this yet.

I *feel* like moving forward is a form of giving up, and I can't seem to give that last piece of it up. I said it last week. That I need to get to where I was 14 years ago. There was this girl that I liked and the chance that we would end up together was so remote that the thought of dating her never even crossed my mind. Literally.

I know it isn't so easy with all the baggage that comes along with fourteen years and four kids, but I think that's where I want to be.

I am told that couples have come back from far worse, and I think I am told that because people see me in pain and want to comfort me. I don't know if it really is doing me any good, though, if I can't trim the fat of expectation off the meat of hope.

I need to simplify and regroup.

-PM