I then hit another low point. I asked S4 about trip. I never mentioned OM name but asked about mom and mom's friends. I got more than I asked for. S4 mentioned that mommy kissed OM. He then said that the hotel room was upgraded to 4 beds instead of 2. He said that he and D2 each got separate beds but that mommy had to share a bed with OM. I understand that S4 might have made it up.
I never talked to W about S4's comments. I felt that talking about OM would only upset her and make here hate me more. I prayed and asked God to give me guidance. Somehow, he reminded me that I had to come to the end of myself to change toward Him. W will need to do also. If I say something to W, she will be angry at me. If someone else says something, she won't be mad at me but still feel the shame. I am a little worried about what she is doing to the kids. She would probably do worse if we were divorced. I need to support the kids and be the pillar of strength for them. I need to be the role model they need in this situation to show them how to handle it. It reminds me that God's love shines brightest in the worst of situations. I might be in the worst place ever in my life, but I can find happiness in knowing that God is more powerful than any of my problems. He created stars and galaxies. Surely he can fix a marriage (if it is his will).
W came over to visit kids (we alternate weeks at the house). She was angry because S12 is having issues in school (probably somewhat related to M problems). She was also angry that I didn't tell her about other problems during the week. I thought I did, but alas...not worth a fight. One time I called to talk to her about a problem. I heard another voice. I was confused because it sounded like her. She said the radio was on. I said that it sounded like her but drunk and slurry (trying to be funny). NOT FUNNY! Everything else I had to say was met with bitterness. I learned that I need to watch carefully what I say or just don't say anything. Turn to God first. WWJD? At any rate, she got angry and talked about seeking D lawyer at the end of May. She said that I was rude. She said that, in general, I was saying the right things but doing the wrong ones. She must not have been too angry because she sent several texts that night about money and the kids. Impersonal stuff but it did seem like she was reaching out.
At the end of the day, I sent her another text. I told her she was going to think I was nuts. I was excited because she said "I was saying the right things but doing the wrong ones." I pointed out that this was way different than in October when I was thinking, saying, and doing all the wrong things (in her eyes). God's work was showing. It might not be much but I'll take what I can get. I also have a long way to go. God can do anything. She did not respond to the text, but I feel she read it.
I read a few inspirational posts on the DB forums that I went so far as to print out and carry around. One said to start being a friend and stop being a H. I've tried to make things easier for my wife. When I am at the house, I clean up all the toys, dishes, laundry. I was always pretty lazy before and never did laundry. I am also trying to get as many projects as I can done around the house that I've been putting off for the last 6 months. I am working to be the man I want to be. I am reading books to help understand my children better. I talk to them more to help them find happiness in life.
The other was a story that pointed out the power of compliments and thankfulness. I started thanking my wife for all sorts of things (1 every other day or so). I thanked her for cooking food for the last 13 years. I thanked her for advice on children.
When I dropped of the kids at the sitter the other day, she was there. She didn't acknowledge me, but I acted happy. She smiled really big at D2 and had a fun conversation with her. I was there about 1 minute and then I had to go to work. On the train ride to work I texted her to say "You looked very nice today. I think it is your smile that makes you glow. My day is certainly brighter because of it." She texted back and thanked me for the compliment. It is small, but I'll take it. I'm starting to figure out W's happy buttons.
W and I began alternating weeks at the house about a month ago. At that time W suggested my mother come watch S12 because he got home at 3pm, and I wouldn't get to the house until 6pm. W has always had rocky relationship with my mother because my mother says stupid things like "Maybe your kid is autistic" or "My son never wanted kids."
This week was my week at the house with the kids. W sends a text that she is taking the kids to the park and will meet me at the house at 6pm. W calls around 5pm (while I am on the train coming home). She was yelling at me because my mother was at our house. My mother left as soon as W arrived (no talking). W said she felt it wasn't her house. I wasn't open to arguing on the train. I hung up the phone and texted her that I understood her frustration with my mother. I offerred to talk about not having my mother come to the house.
W did not respond. When I got home, W just left without a word. She later texted that she no longer wanted a joint b-day party for D2 which is in 2 weeks.
I've been working hard at being kind but detaching (not getting into a fight or initiating conversation/contact). I think the detachment is getting to W. I think she is responding with anger because she is confused. It just seems like she is trying really hard to get a fight. We seem to be at the point that the only time she wants to talk to me is to yell at me or be angry. All other conversations (money/kids) are by text.
I understand my W is upset. I feel kind of sorry for her. It's got to be hard dealing with all that anger and resentment. She doesn't get to be with her kids everyday. I hope she figures out how to be happy. I'm happy. Her attitude doesn't bring me down anymore. I wish I could share my happiness with her. I guess I'll just have to share it with my kids and friends.
W was upset again last night. I let S12 watch D2 and S4 while I went to a religious function for 2 hours that did not allow kids. W said S12 was not ready to watch younger children. This is odd to me since it was OK for S12 to watch our younger children from Jan-Mar this year when we went to counseling. Just wasn't an argument I was going to win. I said I'd find a different solution next time.
This morning, however, I grew a backbone. I texted that S12 was going to watch younger siblings for 1.5 hours on Saturday morning. W expressed concerns again. I made comparison to S12 babysitting during counseling and asked her what had changed.
She then asked why I needed a sitter. I didn't tell her. Instead, I told her that 2 issues were involved. 1) Is S12 mature enough? 2) What am I doing? I said I was willing to talk about kids because they are hers too. She has a say in there care. I also said that if she was interested or curious about what I was doing that we could talk like friends. I would share my stories, and she could share hers. I said that I would not keep her informed of my plans if she only wanted to judge me for them. She would not want me to judge her. I said that I thought this was a good boundary until both of us were willing to work on the relationship.
What do you think? Did I screw up? I see it as an attempt to go dark and wait for her to respond.
Sooooo..... I haven't written on my thread in a while. I realized that I had been rude to some of the wonderful people who responded to my thread. I have an argumentative nature to begin with. I also began to realize how arrogant and conceited I am. Lucky me! I apologize to anyone I may have offended.
I love reading other people's stories on this forum because I see alot of myself in many of them. Thank you for sharing.
I've made progress in the last month or so. I've been doing 180s. I'm starting to feel good about myself. One effect of 180s is to remove some of the reasons that my W was angry at me. As one of my friends put it, "I am sawing the legs off of the table of excuses." Also, I am acting like a friend. "I am here to help (no pressure), just let me know." I also asked W to join me in some activities like garage sale-ing with kids.
My W has been putting in alot of effort also. Before she would only talk about the kids or finances. Now she talks about her day and plans for the future (putting in a pool at the house, summer vacations, etc.). Also, she has been inviting me to do things during free time (nights and weekends) like walking, going to birthday parties, and gardening. Everything has been focused on doing things as a family though. No dating/"just us" time yet. No personal affection (i.e. touching).
The way I've been thinking about my situation and actions has changed over the last few weeks. I'm beginning to understand the implications of the commitments I've made. I promised to love my wife no matter what. To me, this means that I will support my wife in her search for fulfillment and happiness in her life even if I do not feel loved or supported by her. I am trying to live like love is an act I perform and not just a feeling I am having.
I haven't been following your sitch so I'm only going by your current post. It looks like you are making some positive advances on yourself, which is great.
On this:
Originally Posted By: kingdl
I realized that I had been rude to some of the wonderful people who responded to my thread. I have an argumentative nature to begin with. I also began to realize how arrogant and conceited I am.
Only you can determine if you truly are arrogant and conceited, or if you are not and simply realize that you can come across that way.
Either way, how are you planning on working on that, specifically? I'm guessing it doesn't just come out here, on the board. Rather it comes out in all aspects of your life, including your M.
Anyway.... I had a weird experience the other day. My W came home with some new swimsuits she bought on clearance. As I'm in the bathroom bathing the kids, she starts trying them on. Naked woman, lucky me!
One of the swimsuits was a bikini. W is self-concious about curves. I told her she looked sexy. She disagreed. Obviously, the excitement was too much for me. I touched her abdomen for about 1 second. A couple of minutes later I touched her leg. She didn't get angry, but she did giggle and say to "stop."
I felt bad. I knew I crossed a boundary. It was a backslide definitely. We hadn't been touching in months because she felt uncomfortable with it. Later that night, I asked her about how she felt when I touched her. She said it was weird because she already felt awkward in a bikini. I apologized. I asked her how she felt about other touching. She basically said it was too early. I thanked her for sharing and left it at that.
Early next morning, she texts me explaining that it was weird because we are distant. She says that she has been trying to include/invite me. She said everything recently has had to do with the kids/finances and not "us". She also hates being the one who always initiates stuff. She said that she "wants to be wanted or asked."
I responded by saying that I am good with weird. At least it is not anger/pain/resentment. I also related our awkwardness to that shown in the movie "Hope Springs" that we watched together. Then I took a leap. I asked her out on a date this weekend. I suggested bowling, dinner/movier, or walking/biking. She chose bowling.
I still live with my parents. Now it feels like I have a friend who might be interested in a romantic relationship someday. I just have to work harder/smarter than I did in my last relationship. It sounds kind of funny to think that my last relationship was with the same person. It's better that that relationship died though.
I feel like I'm in High School again getting ready to date a really hot girl. I feel like a new me starting a new life. I just need to remember to go slow (like giving a nut to a squirrel or waiting for the princess to come out of the castle).
Kaffe, I have a tendency to think I'm right. I need to slow down and consider other people's views. Also, I need to acknowledge the validity of other's views. Sometimes, I think it also helps to do things the way my W wants to do them even if I think it might be wrong. Not everything I try always works out. Not everything W does fails. I think I was lacking this basic tenet of respect in my M (and in other relationships). I was certainly not acting like the man I wanted to be.
I do believe that you are making some great changes in yourself. The interaction seems pleasant. Be careful not to move too fast.
Yes, do come at this as though you are on a first date in high school. In the same token, be sure to be authentic. Don't try to impress her by being someone you aren't.
