I went back to read through your thread and can't find you writing about EXACTLY what the issues were. I know you glossed over things about health, depression, etc., but it's hard to determine what's exactly going on unless you give more details.
What was the TRO for? Can you give us more?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Basically, things started going wrong when I was let go from a job in the field I trained in working for an organization I loved because I was the victim of some shady politics and the recession. I had to take a job that I didn't want to pay bills. This was a few months before the marriage. My depression started then. I started to withdraw emotionally and physically, gain weight, etc. The withdrawal came and went, but it got bad in around May of this year when my job became a total nightmare. (Incredibly busy) and my dad became very ill. We had money issues. A bunch of other things went wrong, including the premature death of one of her close relatives on the day of our first anniversary. My father had been ill for a number of years and died a few weeks before the BD.
I believe the issues she had with me were my emotional and physical withdrawal and my difficulty in providing (though she repeatedly denied this while we were together). I also was suffering from a gastrointestinal issue (since resolved) that made me unpleasant to be around at times.
She had training in DV prevention and worked at the local shelter. I think this colors her perceptions sometimes. Talking with my FiL a week or two after the BD, he said that she had been thinking of taking out a RO but he thought that was ridiculous.
A few weeks later, an acquaintance of the family apparently made a scene (multiple times) at her current place of employment. She filed the TRO after that, saying I had sent him. Not true. By the time this happened I had been DBing for about a month, I had only mentioned to this (apparently unhinged) third party that she had filed.
While we had verbal arguments while we were together, I never even considered laying a hand on her. I would never raise my hand to a woman, TROs are basically automatically granted regardless of cause, especially in this state.
My therapist believes she is using it to protect herself emotionally (convincing herself that I am bad and making it hard for anything but the D to happen). My lawyer thinks she did it to gain a legal advantage.
There is ALOT of mindreading going on on your part. What did your W tell you was the reason she left?
"I believe the issues she had with me were my emotional and physical withdrawal and my difficulty in providing (though she repeatedly denied this while we were together)."
YOU Believe? You can't keep mindreading her like that. If she said that wasn't it, then maybe there was another reason, but because you made up your mind that that was the reason, she stopped trying to deny it because you wouldn't listen.
"I also was suffering from a gastrointestinal issue (since resolved) that made me unpleasant to be around at times."
Again, she didn't tell you this. You are saying this.
"She had training in DV prevention and worked at the local shelter. I think this colors her perceptions sometimes."
Again, you're guessing. She never told you why.
"A few weeks later, an acquaintance of the family apparently made a scene (multiple times) at her current place of employment. She filed the TRO after that, saying I had sent him. Not true. "
What did the person do? I can see how she feels threatened because it seems like there are plenty of assumptions on both your parts but no one really TALKING to each other.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know there is a lot of mindreading going on here, but I don't really have much choice, especially with the TRO. I haven't communicated with my W directly since late January. I haven't talked to her face-to-face since she walked out. (We would make plans to talk face-to-face and she would postpone/cancel. I eventually gave up trying.) I was still reeling from the shock by the time we stopped talking, so we never had an adult conversation about it.
My W said the primary reason she left was the lack of emotional/physical intimacy. We had a SSM. She also said all the WAS script (I feel dead inside, it's not fixable, it's too late). I don't know if there were other reasons. She said there was no one else, but what instigated her walking out was an inappropriate text message I found on her phone and me freaking out. I had always thought than A would be an absolute dealbreaker, but after I cooled down, I was willing try to reconcile. She said it was just inappropriate joking.
In regards to my GI issue, my W said it was an issue. I had seen a GI doc a few weeks/month prior to the BD, but they couldn't find anything. It wasn't until I lost weight (thanks to the BD) that the issue went way.
In regards to the third-party troublemaker, he claimed that he saw her full (married) name on her nametag and asked if she was one of my (recently deceased) dad's daughters. She said no, I'm Lefty's ex-wife. He said that was the extent of it. She said he went off on her (loudly and causing a scene) saying things like "Hasn't that poor family been through enough," etc. The following day the acquaintance went by her place of business, complained to her manager about her, closed his personal/business accounts.
After I found out about this through my FiL, I told the acquaintance he really made a big mess for me and asked him to just mind his own business. That day or the next day the third-party called the manager and ranted about my W again even though I begged him to let it go. This is a person who I never hung out with outside of his business context and I'm 99% sure my dad never did either. Given his repeated interference after I begged him not to, I tend to believe her side of the story.
Yes, I agree nobody is talking to each other, and thanks to the TRO, it looks like it will remain that way until the D is done (at the very least).
The ironic thing is I knew things had been bad between my W and I for a while and I was planning on making an effort to make a fresh start on the new year and try to make things up to her. C'est la vie.
