She seemed uncomfortable with the initiating part, much more comfortable with the rejection part. This would make sense due to our historical roles. But overall she thought it was a "dumb" exercise and didn't put a lot of effort into it overall.
The first night, I was pretty awkward in the initiating part as well. Last night, I tried to be much more specific as to what I wanted to do with her. She was going to reject me, but I was going to paint her an enticing picture first!
Funny thing was last night I thought she wanted to skip the exercise and just ML instead based on what she said, so instead of politely rejecting her I said "sounds good" and she said "aren't you supposed to say no?"
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
T - I hear you on the time thing, I really do, but to borrow from your analogy, doesn't an addict have to own up to an addiction? Let's say I confronted her about smoking and she said that she stopped, we told C she stopped, yet I knew she was smoking just as much, just sneaking them more. Wouldn't I say something in that case? Or at least say something to C who thinks we are past this issue?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Her? No, she has to get there herself....the more you "nag", the more attractive the addiction/escape is... "See, this is why I smoke, your constant harping on X, Y, Z...I need some release from your pressure", etc. No amount of nagging, talks, or whatever got me to quit smoking until I was ready, on my own... In fact, it generated negative feelings in me towards W and my family, cognitive dissonance is painful, and pushing the blame away onto others for any justification temporarily relieved that pain, and entrenched the smoking habit/behavior. You may want to check out some addiction literature to understand the dynamics better...it will help you detach more from her behavior, and help separate the person from their behavior. I am not generally one to use the "addiction model" box heavily or often, but it does have it's uses and is appropriate in some behavioral sitches.
Counselor? Yes, for you only and let C decide what to do about it with W and MC...
Just my 2.5 cents... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Funny thing was last night I thought she wanted to skip the exercise and just ML instead based on what she said, so instead of politely rejecting her I said "sounds good" and she said "aren't you supposed to say no?"
Oh well, sorry. Well at least she knows you're interested in HER fantasy!
I understand T. Really good analogy and explanation. In my own world, I liked to throw in a chew on long solo drives, and on my way home from work. Actually, liked is the wrong word, LOVED would be more accurate. Over the years W made comments that it was disgusting and looked stupid, neither of which helped me quit. It wasn't until January when S12 found my tin in my car and begged me emotionally to stop because he was afraid I would die of cancer and be gone, that I quit. Haven't had one since.
I thought my approach to W on tat-boy was more like his, but maybe not.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
It wasn't until January when S12 found my tin in my car and begged me emotionally to stop because he was afraid I would die of cancer and be gone, that I quit. Haven't had one since.
I thought my approach to W on tat-boy was more like his, but maybe not.
Well, to be fair, kids have a built-in pass to the front of the line without judgement...spouses, not so much...that's how it works with me it seems...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
But T, that is not how it should work, right? Kind of goes with the lifeboat exercise...if you had a life boat and could only bring 4 people with you, who would it be? 3? 2? 1? I believe that the 1 should be your spouse.
As a boater, I am planning on keeping this a hypothetical...
CB
PS - The good news is 6 months with no chew. Even going through her MLC, and if anything would get me off the wagon, that would!
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
