Dont know what to do...

[~ kd ~]

Just trying to keep this topic bumped for you right now, Cianna.

Fixer had posted the following to you in another one of your currently opened topics:

Hi Cianna,

Sorry you're here. This is a great place to be for help and to grow. Don't worry about the text you sent him. Work on GAL if you don't know what it means it stands for you to Get A Life. Do something that makes you happy. Don't be afraid to go out to the movies or to dinner by yourself. What's important is you need time to think.

The necessary texts helps keep the line of communications open. With this you can talk. Keep the conversation upbeat and end the call first. Give him a reason to think you have something better to do. Even if you don't its okay. Smile and be happy if you take this step. Let him wonder what you're up to.

Take Care ,

Fixer

[~ kd ~]

Are the goals you list some 180s based on your H's (valid) complaints? They look like good goals, I'm just curious about why they are important for you.

What kind of GAL activities are you able to do, given your financial constraints? I do get that you don't have any earnings right now and having to ask your H for every expenditure sounds dangerously controlling on his part, right now.

Do the two of you only have one joint bank account that you share, or is there a separate account for bills or "fun" money?

Speak to a L as soon as you can to know what your rights are regarding money, the house, etc. Even if you aren't going to file and hope that it won't come to that, it IS a good idea to know your rights and get proper legal counsel.

A few other things, some details regarding your M status.

How old are the two of you, how long have you been M, how long have you been together, when do you think things started going sour and what are the events that you think could have predicted this M breakdown?

[Cianna]

Thank you!!!

On the subject of GALing.. hard to do with his restrictions on where what and how I spend money... But Im working on it..

As far as friends... they all think Im crazy for trying to work it out, they all say theyd take him to the cleaners and watch the GF bail on him. They also think its insane that he is saying he wants a divorce. Most of our friends cant get their brains around it, we were "that" couple. Supporting my decision to try to work it out... and have since stopped telling me to take money from accounts, or get a good L.. one even suggested calling his mother!! LOL My MIL adores me, but this is her baby, her golden child.. More importantly, she has advanced heart disease, and frankly, Im not the one who should tell her.

It started out "I love you very much, I am not in love with you anymore.." later that day, it was, "I dont like who Ive become with you, I hate the person I am when we are together, I cant be a better person if I stay with you." Then, "I hate you, I regret the day I married you" Then, "I cant stay calm or keep my wits about me when we talk, my anger and resentment is out of control.." Last week, he told an aquaintance, "I love her, I will always love her. She is an amazing woman, with a huge heart, and made me a better person. She is doing her own thing, and has a GF" The constant mantra to me, "This is about my feelings, my perspectives, my wants. I know all you want is to take everything from me, and if I need to sell it all to get rid of you I will."

He insisted on talking about when I was leaving again today.. I tried to just validate and be positive, but he just said that my lack of response was forcing him to get ugly and that he knew all I wanted was all his money, and thats the only reason Ive been with him for 18 years.. as nicely as I could I explained that there are ways to do this with very little financial hardship on him... He doesnt want to see that. He wants to get me out of his house NOW. He is willing to do and pay whatever he has to, to accomplish that goal.

[~ kd ~]

Another requote from a different open topic of yours, Cianna.

I think the GAL is for you. No one can take that away. If you do what he wants when he's angry then you will only be rewarding him for his anger.

I have a small suggestion. When he goes out, burn a scented candle in the house. When he comes home he will be invited with scent that will make him think for a slit second something is different. Don't be surprised if he tells you he doesn't like the smell of it. Try to validate his feelings and say how you liked it with I statements.

Good luck

Fixer

[Cianna]

I had this whole post typed ut and then lost it!!! LOL

One more time...

Yes, my GALs are based on my husbands complaints. One of them, my "treatment of people" was something he had been saying for years, but would confuse me as to when it was appropriate. Finally, I just realized that its just not worth it to get worked up about things.

At this point, I can hang out with friends.. I can walk my horse, (cant throw my saddle right now), I can read, I can take a drive.. I really need to just get out of the house. One of my 180s FOR ME, is independence. I am very co-dependent, never lived on my own, and I need to work on that. Even if its go to the library for a couple hours to read...

We have one bank account that I have access too, a very low limit CC that he pays, he has three accounts to himself. One is his CC, his stock account and his savings. Ive never questioned or cared, he has been the sole income for us, for the majority of our relationship, as such I never worried about the accounts.

I have a friend who is an attorney, Ive sent him an email. He said he will run it by one of his partners that specializes in family law.

Im 42, he is 40. We've been together 18 years, and married 14. Ive seen these red flags before, they center around our chosen lifestyle of an open marriage. In the past we've closed our marriage, resolved our issues and moved on. This time he is not interested, has cited multiple reasons for the divorce and is now living monogamously with his GF.

He has 3 other big issues, 1. Our lifestyle - I have no problem closing our marriage. 2. I came out as gay in '05, long story, but I honestly could care less about that. 3. My medical issues.. I have several chronic medical conditions including Fibromyalgia, kyphosis, scoliosis, degenerative bone disease, and blown discs.

A couple times he had said, "If this goes bad (regarding his current GF) I cant do this anymore..." Always backing it up with, "If you make me break up with her I will hate you forever and we are done."

[~ kd ~]

I'll respond to your follow up posts here Cianna, but just to let you know, you can always click the "notify" link on a post in any specific topic of yours to let a moderator that you'd like a topic closed.

Of course, you don't want to mistakenly close your currently active thread, but it can at least help ensure other topics age without further posting.

OK, now on to read your responses.

[~ kd ~]

Still going through your responses, I did want to ask a quick question.

I didn't realize until Karen posted on another of your topics and see a reference to it here, by you.

When you say your "sexuality is unclear" are you saying you're bi-curious or you think you may actually be gay? Karen mentioned open M so I'd also like to know, is your room mate a sexual partner of yours?

I'm trying to get a context here and these things could be very important so that we can help support you as best we can.

As far as a L, generally speaking one can get a consultation without having to retain. Maybe you might have to pay, others will provide free consults. Try to get a couple L opinions if you can.

[~ kd ~]

ok, duh. Your sig shows the open M aspect:

M:42 H:40
T: 18yrs M:14yrs
First separation 6 '08
Reconciled 8 '08
H asked for D 5/9/13
No Filing
Open M for 18 yrs
H committed to monogamous GF now
No kids together, D19 S24 mine from PM

So I guess the question still remains regarding how long you have been questioning your sexuality.

[~ kd ~]

OK, so lastly as I have caught up here...

So in '05 you indicate you came out as gay. Yet it is not important to you and are willing to close the M and be exclusive with your H.

Don't get me wrong here and I'm saying this as tongue in cheek, but I'm thinking that at 22, your (now) H was probably a fairly typical male who was probably turned on by the idea of your interest in women. I certainly would have been... Not to mention the opportunity for him to play the field. I'm betting he figured he had it made and possibly liked to brag about that to his buddies... at the time...

That said, the harsh reality probably caught up to him and now the excitement has finally worn off. I'm sure it didn't just "happen". I'd put bets it has been building up for quite a while. Possibly when you became open about being gay. That doesn't really matter except to point out that your H is not likely MLC, rather certainly a WAS. Your effort here and now will be important factors as to whether your M can be saved, or not.

I think it's really important right now though, for you to pay attention to what your H's complaints are. Giving him space will allow him to work through his own issues, but right now... it sounds like his biggest concern might be that he doesn't trust you.

That might sound a bit hypocritical, considering he chose to be in an open M. But it appears that he wants to be with a heterosexual, monogamous R now. And he's probably hesitant to believe that you could provide that for him, even though you SAY you can. ie. It's a lack of trust.

So, certainly no one can predict the future. But do you feel that you could live the rest of your life in a hetero, monogomous M? Not just "live" in that life but embrace and engage that lifestyle, completely?

[~ kd ~]

Just some housecleaning as I see Cadet is linking your other topics here.

AS posted to you in your "roommates" topic:

So, my roommate is taking bits of phone conversations, and conversations with friends, twisting them pulling them out of context and then relaying them to my husband with a negative spin... this infuriates my husband and pushes him further towards obtaining an attorney, and forcing me out of the house.

You know your RM is talking to H, so adjust your approach in two ways:

1) DO NOT have ANY conversations with anyone about your H whether it's in person or on the phone if RM is there.

2)DO have MANY conversations with others about how great you're doing, what your GAL activities are, how much fun you're having, how good you feel, how much weight you've lost (etc. etc.) when RM is around. THIS is the kind of info you want relayed to your H. Let him hear about how happy/ content you are, make him wonder what you're up to, what your secret is.

I also dont know if H can legally force me out of the house...

Probably not, but you should consult with a L on this as it varies from state-to-state, and especially from country-to-country if you're not in the US.