Becoming Patient Man

[jp787]

I don't think I've changed more in an instant than that moment that the bomb dropped. She had tried to get through to me before, but I didn't respond. In the exact instant that I actually realized/believed that there wasn't an "us" anymore, all the fog lifted and I could finally see everything clearly. Everything that has happened since is just me assessing all the damage done that is now visible, trying to make up for what I did, trying to become a better man who doesn't make the same mistakes.

So it's 18 months to the day that I started a new life...a new me. I put her through a lot to get to that point, but ultimately she figured out a way to save me. I made myself pay a terrible price for it, and I am determined to make certain that payment was not in vain.

I feel as if you are me saying those words, as they fit perfectly for me.

That instant... For me, nothing and I mean nothing will ever trump that instant for me.

And what my W did to save herself, yeah it saved me too. the guilt I feel that it took her going through hell trying to open my eyes...

I guess what I'm saying is, I know where I want to go, I just don't trust that I won't change my mind once I get started on that path. I'm afraid the path will change me, so I stand here stuck. And you all are trying to help me, and maybe you're all right. But maybe not. I don't know.

-PM

IMO... Don't ever forget that you have to do what is right for you, no matter what we say, your therapist says, a book says.

Reading this was not easy for me, it brought me to tears.

I get it and it is honest.

Thank you.