Becoming Patient Man

[PatientMan]

On a positive note, today is the 18 month anniversary of BD. That certainly doesn't sound very positive, but at the time I was spiraling farther and farther down the toilet bowl. I needed help. I asked God for it, and He tried to get my attention many other times, but I wasn't listening. Apparently, I had to lose the very most important thing (by a mile) in my life to stimulate the change(s) I needed to make.

I have done a lot of growing and learning, and it is an ongoing process, but I don't think I've changed more in an instant than that moment that the bomb dropped. She had tried to get through to me before, but I didn't respond. In the exact instant that I actually realized/believed that there wasn't an "us" anymore, all the fog lifted and I could finally see everything clearly. Everything that has happened since is just me assessing all the damage done that is now visible, trying to make up for what I did, trying to become a better man who doesn't make the same mistakes.

But that instant? I have three experiences in my life where there was an INSTANTANEOUS and MAJOR change in me. I'm not sure if I could actually rank them, but I can't see how BD could be beat.

So it's 18 months to the day that I started a new life...a new me. I put her through a lot to get to that point, but ultimately she figured out a way to save me. I made myself pay a terrible price for it, and I am determined to make certain that payment was not in vain.

But yes, I'm questioning what I am supposed to do. I want to be in a place where I have moved forward and am good in life, but not moved so far past her that I can't come back. I don't know if that's possible once I take the first step in that direction, so I'm apprehensive to take it. The process has already begun without me allowing it, so if I actually go along with it I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know where I want to go, I just don't trust that I won't change my mind once I get started on that path. I'm afraid the path will change me, so I stand here stuck. And you all are trying to help me, and maybe you're all right. But maybe not. I don't know.

-PM