She said she tried and waited and suffered and hoped and prayed and held onto "us" until she just couldn't anymore. And then when she finally had nothing left and let go, she couldn't get it back.
It's what I said before. I'm afraid if I move forward I won't be able to come back, and I don't know if I'm okay with that.
Moving forward doesn't mean giving up all hope. W informed me a few weeks ago that she will file when the kids get out of school (they get out this week). I just bought an SUV because I don't have the use of W's van anymore (and I'm taking the kids on vacation next week). I've worked out my expenses and projections for life without W and have been living that for some time now. I've even gone out on several dates. I simply do not expect W to return, ever. But I do still have a kernel of hope in there. People have reconciled against much greater odds than W and I are facing, and it could happen to us too. I don't expect it to and I'm living my life accordingly. But if W were to suddenly have a change of heart, I'd be open to reconciling.
You can have hope without having expectations, and you can have hope without clinging to your W. I can't remember if this is in DR or just here on the forums, but the mantra about getting to the point where you know you will not just survive, but you will thrive whether your W is part of your life or not; that's where you need to be. That's a lot different than surrendering hope.
