Yes, it is strange about her checking the tat-boy's 6-month pregnant W's FB page. And multiple times/day, just not as much as tat-boy himself. I am surmising that immersing in all aspects of his life is part of the fantasy? Also, W has many pictures of her and tat-boy and tat-boy alone, maybe she is looking at these? Who knows. All I know is, she hasn't let it go and is just trying to be more secretive about it.
As far as the EA, I know (because she admitted it to me when I confronted her) that she texted him after many drinks when visiting XYZ city in April and that she PMd him the next day because she was so mortified that she had. To my knowledge, that is it for contact, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was more.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
As far as moving past it, I thought we were. After I brought it up to her and she deleted his FB friendship (and tried to get rid of some of her posts to him, but good luck once it is out there) and she said in therapy that she understood the toxic nature of this, that it was over. But, I understand in hindsight that this was wrong.
I read some of the getting past the affair stuff and even though this wasn't an EA, it was/is an obsession and shares a lot of the characteristics. In order to get past it and move forward, it seems like she has to be more willing to accept fault and ask for forgiveness. She is not doing either, in her mind "I was never looking to have sex with him or anyone else, I am not like that" so this was her justification that this was no big deal. All of you who have dealt with EAs know that just sex would be easier than when the EA is in your head.
Also, part of moving past it is severing all contact. This guy, his world, whatever, is clearly there. She is still on his twitter page and is goign to his FB page 10-15 times AFTER HAVING A HUGE DISCUSSION ABOUT HOW MUCH OF AN ISSUE THIS IS TO HER H AND ADMITTING IT IS TOXIC.
So, what do I do next? We talked about it in therapy last week so I thought about bringing it up tomorrow and saying I thought we moved past it, but I don't think think we have. Do I ask her about it outside therapy and tell her I am still struggling? Do I go back to trying to ignore it? That didn't work out so well last time, but maybe she just needs to burn out on her own?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
It will take time for her to "get" to the point where she really sees it for what it was and can feel remorse, etc. Right now, naturally she wants to keep it minimized in her mind as "no big deal"...you must BE PATIENT...it takes TIME to unwind from it, they just can't flip a switch...well, unless it has to do with us...lol.
I would NOT bring it up with her outside MC, and I would let it ride for quite a few more sessions before bringing it up...give time time!
If you need to, talk about it with C in your own session, not MC...get some more other good things going in MC...that is the best way to help her move forward faster...MWD in DR says to focus on creating new, good feelings and experiences, rather than dredge up the past, at this point I think that would be your best course...YMMV... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks T. MC was aware of it from when I did and IC session with him, I might reach out to him individually and see what he thinks. Need to decide if before tomorrow session or give it another week or two. I think your point about breaking habits taking time is a really valid one and I need to think about it.
We are going on a family vacation Friday-next Wednesday, so hopefully we can create some new positive feelings there.
CB
PS - What is YMMV?
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
"As far as the EA, I know (because she admitted it to me when I confronted her) that she texted him after many drinks when visiting XYZ city in April and that she PMd him the next day because she was so mortified that she had. To my knowledge, that is it for contact, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was more."
Hmmmm, CB, I wonder how your W got Tatty's cell phone number to text him? But you know what, wondering about this stuff will drive a sane man batty. I am learning that there is no rhyme or reason to the things my H tells me. Cadet and Snodderly both warned me not to believe ANYTHING he says during this time, but I keep forgetting. Then I get my hopes up when he agrees to something, like your W did about severing her relationship with this man, but my H does not follow through. I likewise become devastated by something he says, and think it is definitely the end for us this time, and he promptly forgets about that too.
Like T^2 says, maybe just talking to your personal C would be the better course of action. Because it's not about the nail. Just had to try to get that in! And enjoy your family vacation, what are you doing?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks Linda. Good question on his cell phone. Because he has two FB pages, one public one for "fans" with 1,000 followers, and one private one with a few hundred friends, my guess is that she got it from there. But, that would be an interesting question (among a few others). The thing is, I am willing to forgive and move on and never bring it up again, but if she isn't willing to stop, it is awfully hard to do that.
We are driving to Mt. Rushmore area. About 12 hours in car with D9 and S12, hope it goes well...
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Had MC assignment from last week: Sitting across from each other, one spouse tells the other one what they want to do ML and why. Other spouse listens and thanks for the offer, but politely declines. Then switch. Requirement is no ML after. We were told to do it three nights.
Neither of us understood the purpose of this one. We did it two nights, including last night and it was very awkward. Maybe the purpose is for the spouse that usually rejects to feel what it is like to ask and be rejected? Maybe it is to get you to talk about ML? At least W did it, after the first one I really thought last night she wouldn't.
Last night I saw her looking at Twitter to look at tat-boy posts. She said she was taking him off FB and understood the danger, but we never specifically talked about Twitter. She is an adult, not like we needed to have a contract. She must know what she is doing isn't healthy. Haven't said anything about any of this aspect, going to see how MC goes today and might talk to therapist offline about how I should approach this. Not sure if I will do this before today's session or wait.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Regarding how she got his cell number, FB has a messenger client for mobile phones, so she wouldn't necessarily need to get his direct cell number...
Now, the twitter thingy...
Quote:
It will take time for her to "get" to the point where she really sees it for what it was and can feel remorse, etc. Right now, naturally she wants to keep it minimized in her mind as "no big deal"...you must BE PATIENT...it takes TIME to unwind from it, they just can't flip a switch...
Seriously, please get that this unwinding is going to take time...she got "addicted", and just like any recovery process, she has "de-escalated" to twitter, weaning herself off of tat-boy (like a smoker going from 1 pack a day, down to half a pack, then down to 5 cigs a day, etc).
Please give TIME, TIME.
That was an interesting exercise...love to know the what's and why's of it from your C point of view.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
