things went south

[BC39]

"Amongst many other things over the last year I recently read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay."

You do understand that he isn't a professional and that he says that he is in a great marriage and hasn't had to deal with an MLC or PA or anything like that.

Totally understand.

I would read things like "Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships", "Project Happily Ever After", Love Languages, His Needs/Her Needs among others.

I've read Love Languages and W just took the quiz. I will also suggest she reads the book.
I've been on the Project Happily After Site many times but haven't read the book. They would be another good suggestion for W.
I will check out the other, thanks.

[BC39]

I could use some guidance at the moment.

I recently posted my story on the MMSLP forum last month. Since then I've got reply after reply that they think my W had a sexual relationship with OM last year and has been lying to me this whole time.

It has been bothering me on and off, but today for whatever reason its at its worst. My stomach is in knots. And I'm sure it going to leak through to my interactions with my W.

I don't think my W lied to me, and is still lying to me, but who knows? During BD she told me she didn't me things because she didn't want to hurt me. She said felt entitled for some reason to the EA. (it was EA with kissing, not sure how to label that)

She gave me trickle truth at BD 1 year ago. She gave me trickle truth in October when I found out she called him a few times. Then last week I find out from OMW that she sent him pics during time of BD, but at the time she said she didn't.

I asked her at BD last May if there was anything else she needed to me that happened, she said there wasn't and that she's told me everything.

I asked her in October when I found out she called him a few times if there was anything else (PA) that happened. She said no.

I asked her last week during discussion of getting OMW text if there was anything else she hasn't told me. She said there wasn't.

Since we had our talk on the weekend everything has been good. Lots of affection. Last night went we went to bed she took my hand, held it to her face and fell asleep.

Do I sit her down in a calm manner to admit I'm still having trust issues and that some triggers have me questioning if she's been telling me the truth the whole time?

[Tallula]

Oh man. I don't know.

Is your main issue that she had a PA or that she is lying? Because if a PA isn't a deal breaker, then maybe there is a way to discuss this and say that while you understand that she might be trying to spare your feelings, that a PA wouldn't be a dealbreaker and right now, let's get everything on the table. If she says she has told you everything, then you need to decide if you can trust that. Not immediately, but that is the deal. But remember, trust is built. After something like this, it may be impossible to freely give it, but maybe built again.

Just my two sense. I hope some peicing vets can help you.

[Tallula]

Oh, but of course this all needs to be in a calm manner. Matter of fact. So if you need to wait a few days or a week, do it.

[BC39]

Thanks Tallula,

I think a PA would be a deal breaker for me. And then lying about it this whole time would be, I think, a deal breaker for me.

I don't know what to think about anything sometimes. If you asked me a couple years ago if a EA and kissing would be a deal breaker for me I probably would have said yes, but here I am fighting for my marriage everyday.

A little background on my thoughts:
A year ago I caught her texting OM, that's how the relationship was exposed. I took the phone from her and read SOME of the texts back and fourth between them. Nothing suggested they had sex. I contacted OM to confront him. I asked him to tell me what happened. His story was the same as the one she gave me. (But they had time to talk in between so who knows).

Wife and I work together. My parents also work with us. W and I are together 98% of our life. When we separated for a few weeks my W went to work everyday (with my family) and I worked from home. After work she stayed at our best friends house down the street. I always knew where she was and made sure she was leaving and getting back when she should be. So I knew where she was MOST of the time.

I`ve checked all phone records, they match the times she said they spoke. I`ve checked all her email accounts.

OMW caught him last week (a year later) by checking his phone history. Her and I spoke extensively and spoke about stories, timelines and phone records. They all match. But again W and him could have concocted a story at time of BD.

I guess there will never be a way of confirming 100%.

When I'm in dailt interactions with my W I think "there's no way she did actually sleep with him and has been lying this whole time". But I have vivid memories of her lying to my face on sociopathic level a year ago (this coming from a women that previous to this couldn't keep a white lie from showing on her face).

[MrBond]

How do you think the two of you stand? If you feel like she feels that she can't be open to you yet, then hold off on it. It goes back to forgiveness. If you truly forgive someone, you let it ALL go no matter what. No strings attached. You respect their right to not want to talk about something they may be ashamed about.

However, if it's a deal breaker for you and you can't deal with the trust issues, then end it.

[BC39]

Thanks Bond. I believe I can forgive her for what she says shes done. I occasionally have triggers that get me second guessing if she told me the truth. I'm hoping more time and patience is required.

Things have been good this week. Plenty of hugs, kisses, cuddling etc from her which is nice. I've been doing some playful grabbing and sexual innuendo's. She doesn't give me any negative vibes while doing so, she doesn't seem to mind at all. A couple nights this week we'll go to bed, turn off the lights and she'll reach for my hand to hold while she falls asleep.

It has me thinking if there's a difference between affection and intimacy.

As much as I love when she does these things, I can't help but question her "attraction issues".

[Tallula]

I second what Bond says.

But, I would stop all contact with OMW. I had OWH contact me, and I ended up blocking him of FB and everywhere I could. I made it perfectly clear that I want NC. I think you should do the same. It's a year later, not happening right now. You don't need someone else to mess with your emotions, we have enough in our brains to do that on our own

[BC39]

But, I would stop all contact with OMW. I had OWH contact me, and I ended up blocking him of FB and everywhere I could. I made it perfectly clear that I want NC. I think you should do the same. It's a year later, not happening right now.

Thanks Tallula. I agree completely.

You don't need someone else to mess with your emotions, we have enough in our brains to do that on our own

Aint that the truth

[BC39]

Journal

Everything has been going very well. We've been a little more forthright with our feelings since speed bump a couple weeks ago. Hopefully no more rug sweeping.

I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more. Be more vulnerable while sharing my feelings to her. All I've my 180's since last year are now a new normal for me, but I'm always striving to improve myself. Trying to be more assertive and being more of a leader in our family. I've taken a lot of W plate since last years BD.

W has been very affectionate toward me. We've ML a couple times, one of which was initiated by her. She tells me she loves me at random moments. The other night before bed she was thanking me for all the help I've given her (she started her new business last week), she gave me a kiss and said "you're so good to me", which was nice.

I can't help but thinking about her comment a couple weeks ago of "I don't see us being married in 3 years". I'd like to believe it was mostly her emotions talking as we were in a very emotional conversation about the text I received from OMW.

This may not sound right but there's times I can't believe W isn't attracted to me. I'm not discounting her feelings and it sounds like stupid thing to say, I'm just not wording it properly.

I'm still on here multiple times daily picking up any little tidbit I can. I've realized recently that I was guilty in the past of applying some DB principles more suited to a LBS, when I've technically been piecing (with a couple speed bumps in between)since I've come to this board. Nothing drastic, just a self observation.

Thanks again to anyone who posts on my thread, this board has been so helpful for me