I have spent the morning on the phone with CS lawyers who have told me I need evidence of XH's expensive lifestyle to append to my challenge to his claim that his annual income is only $45,000.
It seems like taking pics of him with 200.00 worth of chocolates and champagne is not the sort of thing they're talking about. Those were gifts after all, and he really didn't spend that much when it comes down to it. Had be been buying her a 10k fur coat, that would have been different. That would have been crazy and frivolous.
When I read this the first thing that popped into my head was 25's mantra that we are to keep the way home paved and smooth. Granted you were asked to gather evidence for your claim, but confronting H in a public place, trying to secretly follow him and take pics to prove his "frivolous" spending, well that seems to neither help your challenge to his claim nor keep the way home paved and smooth. Perhaps you are done with him as you've hinted previously, but even if you are, he is still the father of your children. As MWD says in DR, when children are involved there's no such thing as divorce. Meaning what? You are going to have a relationship with each other for the rest of your lives. So even if you don't feel keeping the way home paved and smooth is necessary, you should consider that you should make an effort to be civil with XH no matter how crazy he may seem. I know he's doing bad things, I know he's hurting you and probably the kids too. But you can choose to be the lighthouse- that solid, immovable structure that is a beacon of hope to others even as your husband throws his stormy tempest against the ramparts.
AS, Sorry, but my experience of life at the moment is hand to mouth.
My kids don't have money for food. I have to shop at closing time at the local supermarkets so i can buy the out-of-date food that they put out in the last half hour. It's embarrassing.
I budget on spending $3 for the main course for the 3 of us for each evening meal.
The kids pay for their own clothing and activities out of their own meagre savings that they've amassed since he left (and took their savings with him) because i can't pay all the debts that XH ran up.
We don't have a car because he ran off with ours.
D14 needs a surgery on his tongue to fix a weeping sore that has been coming and going for months because i don't have the money to pay for it. And I have had a half-completed root canal on one site of my mouth for the last 5 months that just has to wait (I hope temporary fillings last that long), while I can't even eat on the other side as it makes another tooth ache too much to do so.
So, please don't tell me that him spending $200 on Fr champ and chocs isn't significant.
And when you claim to be so poor that you can't afford legal representation and argue that you can only afford to pay $50 to support your own kids, well... give me a break.
This has been his cry for the last 2 years. We have had NOTHING from him in the way of support - and he has taken all of our savings as well.
I am of the opinion that images of him buying Fr champagne will go down a treat when push comes to shove. Put this together with the pics of him and OW on the private yacht sunning themselves in the Mediterranean, and the cc records that show his continued frivolous excessive spending on drinking, clothing and entertainment, and you have a pretty compelling case.
Sorry if I sound upset - but I am!
I am aware that what i did was not DB. But I am trying to save my kids and I from a future of poverty.
And you're right, I no longer care that much what he thinks or how this affects my chances of reconciling. I am in survival mode.
He says he will pay more once I've agreed to his settlement offer
It is unfortunate you do not have any witnesses that heard your stbx say that. It rings of blackmail and certainly would raise major doubt that he is unable to pay more, right now.
He is also financially abusing you but more so, the kids.
Do you communicate with him at all by email? Do you think you could ask him to confirm and clarify by email or text that he really means it when he says he'll pay more once you agree to the paperwork and also how much more he'd be willing to give?
When added to your H's behaviour around the settlement and his spending elsewhere, the pizza now really seems like it's bribes and attempts at him to prove he's helping you and the kids more than he is legally obligated to.
As much as that may not feel good to have him over, it might also be used as evidence that he CAN give more. Pizza isn't necessarily the cheapest, nor most healthy meal that he could otherwise be providing for the kids. Again, it could help expose manipulative behaviours. At least put doubt into the mind of the courts.
Sorry, but NLW this man is a cretin. To heck with keeping the path home smooth. He is manipulating you and your children. He is playing a game, and playing it well.
And I agree. How dare he spend that kind of money on OW and offer you and the children pizza? It also keeps you dependent on him, which I am sure he enjoys.
And he wonders why the kids want nothing to do with him??
You should be angry. He is trying to blackmail you. You can't let him take advantage of you. I wish I had more advice, but you need legal advice big time.
I will pray for you and your children.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I was sad to read your in this sitch w your kids being right there with you! Your xh is soo far gone right now there is absolutely no reasoning or trying w him! He really is circling the milky way!
I would try to speak to him as little as possible. Since talking doesn't work anyway I would go silent! I would also tell my kids to keep it as simple as they can, for their sake, because arguing w him or trying to reason won't work. These kids need to heal, and it may need to be done w as little of xh as possible right now.
Does your community offer a food pantry to stock up on some goods once a month? Or, do you have organizations that will step in? I don't know where your at, I thought I remember your somewhere in Europe, but I may be crazy. Many moons ago I got the greatest help from Catholic Charities, you don't have to be Catholic, and they gave food, clothes, rent, and free counseling to me for over 2 yrs.
Be very careful trying to prove anything about xh, and don't show your hand, ever, it's his biggest weapon against you! I agree he is under some kinda spell w ow, you can see he's still trying to keep her happy at any cost!
Again, I would stay as far away as I could, find some help where help is given! Free clinics health, food pantries, organizations, teaching hospitals for your root canal.
I'm sorry your going through this, it's a damn shame, but this site is free and it the best money could never buy!
<3 dmarie
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hi Everyone, Thanks for all your help and support.
I'm just going to respond to DMarie at the moment, cause I'm in a rush to get to my parents' place.
DMarie, You are spot on with this observation:
"He really is circling the milky way! I would try to speak to him as little as possible."
I no longer have expectations, and try not to get drawn in, but i need to journal the latest episode as an example of how strong the pursuit/distance cycle can be - and this is P/D within his own behaviour.
XH came over last week and out of the blue, offered to take us all out to dinner. This week, on Wed night, he offered to bring pizza and beer for a family dinner - first time in over 15 months.
On leaving, he said: "Is it OK if I come back tomorrow night or the next night and take you all out to dinner again?"
Then came the issue of the funeral. Huge argument between XH and S14. XH's solution: he had to work anyway and so could not attend. I could take S14.
S14 saw this as a ploy and refused to be made to look, in front of XH's family, as if he had been the cause of his father's non-attendance at his grandfather's funeral. (It seems as if XH had told the family that he was stepping aside because S14 was being 'difficult').
In the end, no-one went. Very sad and just so unnecessary.
Meantime, D17 had a party to attend on Sat night. Very far away in an obscure location, and a district that has a bad reputation for violence and theft (don't ask...). She asked XH to drive her there and pick her up at midnight, as his car has sat-nav and is reliable, whereas ours does not and is not. It would also help me not having to leave S14 in the house on his own late at night while I went to pick her up.
XH agreed and we were all pleasantly surprised. He arrived on time to pick her up, but she was running late getting ready. He came in for about 1 minute. I was cooking dinner in kitchen and did not see what happened but I heard him turn and go out the front door. Apparently S14 did not greet him enthusiastically enough and so he sat outside in the cold winter's night for over an hour, refusing to come inside while he waited for her.
Finally, she was ready and they left.
Within 2 mins, I heard a loud knocking on the door. It was D17. She had asked him to wait in the driveway while she messaged a friend. She needed to be close to the house to connect to wifi as XH had not put any credit on her phone account (this is his agreed 'payment ' to the kids).
He blew up and said he would not wait any longer, as he had paid an employee to take his shift so that he could drive her to her party and was wasting his money.
He also said it was "Your mother's fault that you don't have any credit on your phone".
D17 demurred, and pointed out that he had promised to pay for the kids' phones - as he runs a phone company himself.
He then ordered her out of the car. She cried that she was already late for the party and that it was over an hour's drive away.
He said tough, and drove off.
I couldn't believe it, really.
And as he says, I have turned the kids against him....
It's been more than a week sine we heard from XH - and I find myself trying to mind-read, so I thought I'd come here and re-set my thinking.
Last saw XH when he ran out on D17 before driving her to an out-of-town party last Sat night.
He's also left both kids without credit on their phones, and they are upset about this too - as they can't contact their friends. Teens without phones are out of the loop these days.
Anyway, I find my mind turning over what he might be thinking - is there some hope that he might be in withdrawal? Is he embarrassed/ ashamed of what he did and can't bring himself to re-contact us? ETC.
All pointless. Just need to keep focusing on us, but the longer the NC goes on, the harder it seems to keep my mind from speculating.
Apparently XH did ring home on Sat afternoon. I was out with D17, but S14 answered. He claimed XH asked what S14 was doing "today, tomorrow and next week". S14 claims he said "Nothing", and then XH said "OK, then" and hung up.
Sounds strange to me, but if i had to account for it, I'd say XH is still firmly in 'victim mode'. But there I go again.
I went to another school quiz night on the weekend - we came 2nd, so lots of joy!
Before I went, had to tell my friend why XH wasn't going with me.
He teared up when i told him, and immediately said there is something wrong, mentally / psychologically. XH would never have behaved like this.
Maybe it's the way i tell it, but every friend of ours that I've told says the same thing.
Wish XH's parents could see it. They have also gone NC since the funeral that we didn't attend. i suspect XH told them a grand story about why we didn't go.
Anyway, got all that off my chest, so hope I don't have to keep thinking about it.
