GAL success last night. Went out with my W's BFF and some other great people downtown to dinner and then a walk. It can be fun to be a tourist in your own town. Got some great pics. I uploaded them to the big blue social media site, since I live away from all of my family, I'm pretty active on social media as a means to keep in touch with my sisters, parents, cousins, etc... It keeps us close and gives them a chance to be part of my life on a daily basis.
After I loaded the pics I wondered about my W. I missed her, I had a great time but there was definitely something missing... her. I was very tempted at the end of the night to text her that I was thinking of her and she was missed by everyone during our evening. But I didn't. As I walked my dog before bedtime the dialogue was:
"She isn't texting you that she misses you and wishes you were there on the lake with her and the AP. You're tired. Just go to bed."
Went to bed. Lying there, tempted again. New internal dialogue:
"She isn't lying in bed texting you. What she IS doing is lying in a bed that is not yours with a person that is not you. Go to sleep."
So I went to sleep. Reminding myself that God is working in her life so I don't have to and He's much better at it than I ever was. :)(releasing the need to control)
When I GAL with new friends and new experiences that are my own, it's much easier than when I am with our mutual friends, especially the close ones, doing things we normally did as a married couple with them. Last night's GAL was wonderful but really hard because of that.
Onward, forward. Tonight we see a play.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
When I GAL with new friends and new experiences that are my own, it's much easier than when I am with our mutual friends, especially the close ones, doing things we normally did as a married couple with them. Last night's GAL was wonderful but really hard because of that.
I find that so so true too
Love the use of mantras and trusting that God is in control.. Some nights when I would have a wandering, wondering mind before bed, I would repeat to myself "I am letting go, she is all yours, God, as am i."
later i started adding that i am letting her go bc if i love her, i want her to be happy...
now i rarely struggle with my thoughts at bedtime... it has been quite a progression.
you are doing so so well RT, keep the focus on you
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
???Surprise text from W??? She is on her trip with the AP so I absolutely did not expect to hear from her. Especially since her last letter to me was that she wanted minimal contact while they were together so she could "see how she feels when she is with her." Well, I received a text from her today:
W: Hey. Just checking in with you to see how u are! I hope good. Looks like BFF is in town. Hope that went well. Give the dog some kisses!!!
We went back and forth a few times. She let me know that she and her BFF had been in a fight last week. I told her I had not idea they were arguing and that I was sorry if her BFF being here hurt her. (My wife had given BFF permission to ask me if she could come visit a couple of weeks ago)
My W said she was "...fine with her being here and to have fun. Please don't let my sh*t affect you. Go have fun!" I told her "You're a good one. I'm always in your corner."
It was a different kind of exchange. I'm trying to process... not mind read, but understand. I don't really get it. But then, there's so much about her choices these last 2 years that I don't get at either.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I said hello to a newcomer on the forum yesterday. Bless him, I felt his desperation and urgency. I relayed that I understood that feeling and just wanted him to know that it doesn't feel like it but that he has so much time and nothing has to happen quickly. I'm trying to sit with my own advice. I've been posting lately about that feeling of "I'm done." I still have trouble shaking it.
It's got to be b/c W and AP are on a trip together. I feel so hurt by it. Really. I know I am releasing that as anger. So if I can recognize this behavior why am I having trouble ending it? It feels like maybe a stitch in the detachment thread that I'm having trouble pulling out.
My boundries might be to close to me. I think I need to put more distance in them for a little while and surround myself with more protective space in my interactions with my W and in my thinking. Today at least, it feels like my weakend boundries are allowing expectations to creep in and rattle my emotions.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
It's called crazymaker for a GOOD reason. Ohhh...I'm so so glad that all the crazymaking stuff is all behind me. I can recall the times when thinking about DXW with OW did truly crazy stuff in my head. Picking at scabs is an exercise in futility as it only hurts you.
Everybody....y'all...let's help RT get her mind off from the AP-OW drama and do an Electric Slide Dance as one big group with strobe lights going around on RT's dance floor!
Wonka, I will be hearing The Electric Slide in my head while I try to sleep tonight! Sneaky, sneaky distraction tactic you've got there!
I just got a text from W (who I assume is still on her trip.) Ready for this?
W: Bent... not broken M: I know W: Promise? M: Promise.
That was it.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I think we are in the same place emotionally. Your W and my H seem to need that trust that someone will be there if they fall. I told H that while I would not pull him back up, I would be the wall against which he could rest until he was ready to get up on his own.
It is not an easy place to live in, where you choose. When we are perfectly aware that when S finally stands again, they may not want to be with us.
Picking at scabs is an exercise in futility as it only hurts you.
