My H tried to start a “relationship” with young Mexican girl, and we are not officially divorced yet. I’m sure to him this is not an affair, since it is started after the BD.
If your SO is back with his GF and she is going through a D process, he is probably too involved in this. She is probably a handful right now, since you think she is a needy person. Also, if she still leaves with her H, then he is not experienced all the difficulties with dealing with young kids, especially not his own.
You need to wait it out. I’m sure that when things will calm down, he will find out that the grass is not greener over there.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
"I find a walk or a drive will lift my spirits. A nap with my cat helps, too. I simply try to remember that I am still alive, able to move forward from this and can still make my dreams come true."
Thanks for these suggestions. I don't have a pet, but do like to walk, especially at the beach. Praying helps me, and thinking of all of the things I'm thankful for. Singing. I'm thinking of trying dancing around Portia, like line dancing? But sometimes I just get into a funk and can't get out.
"I am not sure if my xSO has a GF now. The last time we spoke he was "visiting" his GF again after about a month apart. I realize I should not assume anything but if I had to guess, I would guess that they are back together. I would also guess that they are back together and that plays a big role in why he has not contacted me.
Of course, that is only my guess. But she was going through her divorce and seemed quite needy to me. No less than we all feel when going through a D/S or break up. But instead of focussing on her and her kids, she hooked up with my xSO. And he went back for more as of two months ago."
That's rough on you. Too bad she didn't try divorce busting. Do you know if the D was her idea, and if it's final yet?
"All of the advice is not to worry about the OP. But it is hard especially because for the MLCers that leave, these are not affairs, they are "relationships"."
Yes, and that the OP is a symptom, not a cause, but it's so hard to think of the OP like that. She's such a threat. Has she no soul, no feelings, that she would deliberately try to break up a longstanding relationship? What the heck is she thinking?
BRNR, my H has been advising me to get a boyfriend! That hurts! Wouldn't the thought of me with another man bother him? I guess not
Linda, Many mlcers will encourage their spouses/mates to date and get involved w/others. It's a way to alleviate some of the guilt for the affairs that they are having. They can also then say, well you have a new boy/girl friend, then it's okay for me to announce that I have one too.
It's very normal mlc thought processing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly you always know the right answer, thanks. But it hurts to think my H would like to see me in a PA with another man just to alleviate his own guilt. That is sick!
It struck me funny that you said this is "normal mlc thought processing" Seems like a contradiction in terms to put MLC thought and normal all in the same sentence!
Is it awful that I get amusement out of plotting revenge on my xSO? Like finally ripping up his favourite T-shirt that he loved and I just hated? Even better if I could put it on his dog to wear. I would pay to see the look on his face
B, I have been told to get a boyfriend, too. Not only do I not want a boyfriend right now, it may take awhile before I do. More issues! And the truth is that I do not want to use someone as a band-aid. I would not want to be used that way. In fact "recently separated and divorced" would make me run away licketedy-split.
Besides guilt, I often wonder if these MLCers really know what they are saying when they encourage us to date others? Most of us do not date, but I wonder how my xSO would feel about it if he had to see it? Close to bomb drop (and way before DBing), I said something off-hand, like wow, I might be dating again. He admitted that he would hate the man who dated me. I said, you don't want me. He simply repeated that he would hate the new guy. If I had to guess what these guys really want is for us to wait for them forever and stand still no matter what they do.
I have not heard from xSO - two months now. No idea what he is up to or who he is up to. I do still wonder if I want to contact him. After this past year, I just do not know if it would be worth further pain. I certainly do not look at him the same way. I never will. I loved him for loving me the way I was - craziness, quirks and all. But he no longer wants that.
Bright, you are always so optimistic. I do think he will realize that the grass is not always greener one day. But maybe he will have more distractions and other things he needs that he would prefer his life with her although he may regret losing ME. Who knows?
Linda, I just realized that I had not answered some of your questions about the OW/GF. Whatever I know about her, is only what he has told me. And whatever she knows about me, he has told her. In order to make himself comfortable, he has had to lie to both of us. What I know of her is very limited: she is in her late 30s, blond, "heavy-set", two kids (2 and 6), is going through a divorce and "desperately trying to save her marriage", at one time "things had plateaued" with them and then they "threw in the towel" but there were no bad feelings. Last I heard, he was visiting her again. She was described as "fun, friendly and a great mother." (Quite frankly, I disagree with the last bit, she is exposing her very young children to her boyfriends and she is not even divorced).
I know none of the details of her breakup nor do I know what she looks like (although I confess I would like to know).
He once admitted that he talked to her about me and that she was the only one "fighting for our friendship" That was like taking a bullet. Because I knew then that he had passed us off as being only friends. He basically confirmed that.
At the beginning, the GF was my biggest hurdle to contacting him. In some respects she still is. But this silence and coldness and "abandonment" has become a disturbing pattern. I don't want to be hurt again now that I am getting better.
Aww Portia....If it were me....I wouldn't respond...and I would be reeling in agony. That would hurt to get a short, blow off type text. But this is just me.
How do you feel about it?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Portia, I knew you were itching to text him. In a way, I'm glad you did. Notice how his message was short and kind of off a bit? Not one word about how you are doing.
I'm like BRNR, how do you feel about it. I think I would not respond back since it doesn't appear that he is asking you too, but that's me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seems like a contradiction in terms to put MLC thought and normal all in the same sentence!