Getting Uncomfortable

[mizjjd]

Thanks for dropping by, Snodderly, Portia and LindaM.

Linda, there's no reason for pity here but I thank you for caring. Maybe some things are easier for me than others because of the details of my sitch - you know? C'est la vie

Portia, your listing of your personal red flags made me think of the cards on the cages at an animal shelter... so sad, all those faces behind bars with signs that say "couldn't keep due to the following".

And yes certainly hindsight has allowed me to see the GIANT RED FLAGS that at the time were invisible to my eyes. But now that I do have that perspective it does cause me to wonder just how much I could expect from my H. Because if he is as suggested by Snodderly, "stuck", and has been so for the majority of his life, I really don't know how much he could change even if he wanted to. And I certainly don't see evidence of him wanting to.

I wonder what his sign would read, "surrendered because prior guardian could no longer handle. Requires great attention and demands obedience. Completely housebroken."

Sigh. Anyway, oddity of the day. H rubbed my back this morning. This might make, with no exaggeration, oh 8 or 9 back rubs in our entire marriage. This is an occasional arguing point for us, because H expects a back rub nightly and sometimes I have huffed "sure, right after I get mine" which leads to "If you don't want to rub my back then don't. F$%#, ask you to do a simple thing for me."

Now of course, I wonder if this was done out of guilt. (H is leaving for the casino today.) But then I think too, what exactly do I expect him to do? If I interpret every gesture as "guilt driven" then why should he do diddly? (Of course I only said "Thank you" to H, this dialog was all internal.)

But on to better things. Trying to get Friday off to go watch S16's qualifying try for State. (This displeased H, because he had decided he and I would not attend. Coincidentally, he had mentioned the unfortunate scheduling of State in the middle of a 4 day off-work stretch for him because of course that would interrupt his gambling. SMH) Lol, H was rather perturbed with me when I said I wanted to go. "But its only the qualifying round and you know they're probably not going to make it! Its like going to watch a rehearsal! A waste of time and money!"

Yes, they have the slowest time of all the teams. This means its likely they won't qualify, and the only time to watch them will be in the prelims. To me, this makes going at that time even more important, not less.

I wonder if he feels I'm "showing him up" because I'm taking time off to go, while he already has the time off but is not going.

Lol, "It's 2 hours away! That's 4 hours of driving! 8 if they qualify!"

Oh go ahead, ask me how far away the casino is...

All this discussion was done via text. I only answered that I understood the time/cost but wanted to go anyway. This got me the big "whatever" ~and a backrub too, I suppose.

Off to start another day's adventure. Everyone's busy or out of town this evening, think I'll take S20 out to dinner.

Cheers!