Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

Journaling and some questions....
I've been doing good.. Doing my own thing, getting a life, detaching pretty well. And you know what? I've been feeling so great. I've been calm, able to talk to W about R when she brings it up, about her moving out, when she brings it up. Taking my time to respond with thoughtful response where I am not letting my emotion take over. What I have noticed is that she has been letting her emotions take over. And even then, unless she is coming in between my son and I, I haven't let it bother me. I have been listening to what she is saying and validating as well. Not agreeing or disagreeing but letting her vent and let it out. What I have noticed was that she is trying to push my buttons and I haven't been reacting to it. Honestly, it feels good. There was a time when she told me to go F my self, I told her that I don't talk to her like that and don't expect her to talk to me that way. She told me not to tell her what to do and I told her that I was won't be listening to her if that's how she is going to talk to me. The next day she called and half assed apologized saying she was expressing her feelings and was trying to get a reaction out of me because she sees me as a person with no feelings. She said once again that she is all alone and feeling lonely and that the new me is not worried about anything and that I have all the answers. I told her that I am a lot happier than I have been in a long time but does not mean I had all the answers. I have a goal and I am trying to reach it. For a bit I felt bad and guilty for feeling good and try to make her feel good about the situation. Told her that I am at the point she was at in little while back when she was clearer about things.

Questions
1. When what W complained about from the get go was of me not being there emotionally, and now due to detaching, I am checked out, what do you do? She has been opening up and talking to me about her feelings and I have been listening and talking to her about HER feelings. But she is asking about mine. This is where I am lost. Am I suppose to tell her how she has hurt me in the last how ever long? Am I suppose to tell her that I don't trust her? I believe the answer is no and that I shouldn't be sharing these king of feelings at least not at this time. But how do you respond to that?

2. I have told her that I am supportive of what ever she wants to do in regards to moving out. I told her that if that's what she wants to do, I will try to help her as much as I can within reason. She has went from talking about renting a place to buying a condo to buying a house to having physical custody of our son. I have told her that the least I would accept in regard to S is 50/50. She is saying yes 50/50 but he sleeps at where she is. I don't agree and will stand my ground for this. She is also saying she needs to make the move soon because she is getting old and needs to figure out how to be happy and see if there is a chance for us and that she wants another child for S to have a brother or sister. And now that she sees the "new" me, that she has something to think about. I told her that I have to do the same about her. Honestly, the new her is not one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Am I suppose to share this with her or not? We have switched places so much its not even funny.

I think I need to keep with the priorities being kids and myself. I need to letting go in a gentle way and not letting her affect my emotions. I am getting closer but not fully there yet. I read the forms almost daily and learn so much from so many on here and know the process is the process and you have to go through the emotions before getting the new norm.

I need new goals.. So far I am doing good with my GAL as I am reconnecting with old friends and not dependent on W for anything. I am spending quality time with S and D (over the phone) more often. Working out more. Excelling at work as it has been so crazy busy and everyone at work is noticing. It is sad as I am not able to share that with W but she is hearing about it since one of her friends works at the same company. What other goals do you guys have to keep the momentum going? I honestly don't have that much time but would like to see what I can do....

Wow long post once again. Maybe one of my goals should be how to write small lol

[Dubious Hills]

Can you talk about your excitement about getting to know yourself in New ways as you go through your 180s?

My new GAL goals have been...

1. Running for and getting an elected position in my professional organization,
2. Volunteering for an online magazine related to a hobby,
3. Getting a new crafty hobby,
4. Yoga

I picked those because I journalled out my 5 yr plans and these are all small building blocks leading to me...

1. Becoming a prominent voice in my field
2. Gaining experience in web design in a no pressure environment, and getting more contacts in my hobby
3. Starting an Etsy store
4. Getting a certificate in teaching yoga

When I made that plan I thought crazy, big, and wrote in pencil, because plans can change... so why NOT bring the impossible you to life now? Worst case scenario you learn you don't like that you and you erase something from a piece of paper.

[Bel123]

Hello DH!

Can you talk about your excitement about getting to know yourself in New ways as you go through your 180s?

Some of it is exciting as in I am discovering things I never thought I liked but really enjoying the spending time with S and doing all the things my F did not do with me. I also do enjoy spending some time by myself reading at a cafe which I never thought I would. My next venture would be taking myself out to the movies and see how that goes. Between S and work and a little bit of time for myself, I haven't had much time to explore more. I do my monthly or bimonthly volunteering at a "soup kitchen" which I have been doing for some years now and find it enjoyable. I need to keep with this pace and learn to discover myself.

When I made that plan I thought crazy, big, and wrote in pencil, because plans can change... so why NOT bring the impossible you to life now? Worst case scenario you learn you don't like that you and you erase something from a piece of paper.

You are correct, I have had to adjust my list of things I wanted to change/add that I carried in my wallet a few time. Some got removed because my state of mind was different when I created the list. Some were superficial things to make W notice and she did. So I am thinking more things just for me and not of those things W had issues with since this improvement I want is for myself.

I have been able to think objectively look at my stich and more about myself. Some things I have not thought about from reading other’s self-reflection on the boards. The more I look deeper within, the unhappier I got of some of the issues and baggage I have carried. I have to keep telling myself that people can change for the better including myself and make a change for a life time. But first I need to think more about why I feel/am the way I feel/am. Will put thoughts down as I have time to write them down.

[Bel123]

Aaaaaand I slip up once again. Letting my small success of detaching make me think I am out of having my emotions being attached to W’s action. Thinking I have detached and can do it all. Feeling like I finally understood what it means to be DBing. All it took was one lie from W that had me feeling my sad, disappointed, and know that I still have not detached and have expectations. The good thing comparing before to now is I did not say anything about it or confront her about it. Not that I am afraid to confront but I know it will make me backslide to the type of person I want to be come and have been working towards. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings are still there, I just need to find a better way or releasing them and let them wash over me as I have read on the forms.

A few weeks ago W was crying and saying how she is feeling all alone again and that she feels abandoned since I have been doing 180 and GALing. Since one of her complains from before was feeling the same way for years, I did not want to do the same old thing and opened up a little bit more. When she kept saying that I have all the answers and how I am clear on what I want, I told her that I know my goal but some things I am still trying to work them out. I was trying to relate to her and it was the truth. What I think might have happened is that she saw me moving on but now feels I am not as sure as I seemed. I told her that my focus is on myself and the kids and that is what I am doing. So much easier said than done!

I have been reading so many of these posts of the self-discovery and see where my own issues come from. So hard to blame it on how I grew up or how W and I related to each other. How do I get to the root of the problem within that keeps me unhappy (with or without W). Or why do I associate my happiness with W. In all honesty, we haven’t been happy for so long. What I am keeping hope for? Am I delusional? Some days are just so hard and want to just give up and move on. I know the main problem within will still be there and will pop its head in so many ways in life. Grrrrrrr this [censored]! Today [censored]!

[Bel123]

So I had a not so great interaction with W this morning. W still feels she is the only one sharing her feelings and not getting anything in return. This has been a recent turn of things and I am not sure how to deal with it. There are a lot of emotion inside me that I don’t believe is productive to share with W at this point in time. She is also feeling controlled because when she said we need to set a schedule to talk about feelings, I told her I am not sure how that will work but I will think about it and get back to her (I was getting ready to go to work). She said that I always have a veto power which she has said so many times. I don’t believe I have a veto power but I do have a right to agree or disagree when it deal with me as a participant but participate. I explained I am for talking about our feelings but I am not sure if a set schedule would work and would like to think about it.

On my way out I asked if she had plans this evening and she said asked if I did, I told her that I did not but by that time we were both in a bad mood as she pointed out how I was not there for her. I told her that I’m sorry that she feels that way and then I got the sorry is not enough its too late ( I have heard that so many times so I am starting to resent it and I know I shouldn’t as that is how she feels right now).

She said she wants to talk this evening after S goes to sleep and I am trying to figure out how to approach it. I want to know for a H that has been labeled emotionally not there for so long, how do I handle this? How do I know when it is right for me to open up to her without feeling like I am being judged for feeling the way I have or I do. I honestly don’t feel safe talking to her about my feelings of what is going on in the M. Half of those feelings are not even fully explored and understood yet. I have a session with IC today and I wanted to tell the MC for us to focus on my own issues and not only the issue within the M.

[Dubious Hills]

How did your session go?

[Bel123]

Hello DH, sorry it took me this long to update. I don't have as much free time where I can put down my thoughts but I do keep readings other's stiches on my phone.

Update... After speaking with IC, IC said there is something about W that keeps her there. Every time I pull back, she comes forward. I have noticed sometimes she is acting like the way I was acting before. I need to detach more but do it in a loving way. What I have also noticed is when I detach, I become withdrawn and I need to find the balance since that was one of the original issues we’ve had.

Run down on what has happened since my last post. I’ll cut them apart by date

5/30 evening- After S goes to sleep and we are sitting outside, W said that there is nothing we should talk about and to disregard her morning request. I said ok and explain that it is not I am not willing to talk about my feelings but setting a schedule would not be that productive and pointed out the MC. She sort of agreed. States that she needs to work on not waiting on me to validate her feelings and that shares these feelings with me and she feels like they are not valid if I don’t agree with her. I told her that I am just learning about feelings and validation and what it means. Whether I agree with her or not, her feelings are real to her and should not look to me to make them real. I said we both have our own realities and that is real to each of us.

[Bel123]

6/3 was W’s bday dinner. Her parents had a get together for her and friends and it went well. I took S home so she can hangout more. I got her a singing card of how great mother she is and a small picture with a picture of her and S. She texted the next day and said thanks to me and S for the framed picture and that it was one of her favorite picture. I said YW and that S picked it out himself jokingly.


6/4 was W’s actual bday and she picked up S from daycare and took him to the beach. She texted saying they are running late and asked if I had plans because she was thinking of making plans. I said I currently don’t because I figured she would do something on her bday. But if not, I would like to make plans. They got home and I put S to sleep and asked if she had made her plans yet. After a little while she said for me to go ahead and make plans because she had dinner that Friday and a show that Saturday. I said ok and got ready looking all nice, wearing my new watch and said ok, running late, see you later. She said where was I going and I said I am going to the movies and which will start soon.. I can see in her face that took her by surprise and wanted to ask more but I didn’t give her the opportunity. I went to the movies by myself for the first time. It was ok, a little weird but was ok… I have been so tired these days, I think I fell asleep a few time in there lol.

[Bel123]

6/6 sitting outside again W asks about her moving out and how I am limiting her choices. I said that I am not standing in her way of moving out and that I support her. Told her how proud of her I am for getting the beach property she got and she seemed surprised of that. Also, how my supporting her decision does not mean I should allow myself to be financially insecure. I told her I am willing to work with her. Her plan was for us to buy another house together and she would live in there. It had to have a backyard. So I think the reality synced in and was talking about a 1 bed room apt close by for 6 months or a year. She continued to say how I am limiting her but I calmly explained my position. I stated how it would be convenient if she moves close by for S but not to make my wishes the reason she is picking a place and that it is a place she wants. She said she doesn’t want a crappy place where she will hate me every time she is there. I did not like that statement as in it makes it my fault for her moving out. I do see my part in this and I can see how she sees it that way. IC believes that W tries to guilt me into things a lot and that I am starting to see more clearly now and that I have been doing things not out of guilt. I agree and feel it is a good change I am seeing within myself.

[Bel123]

6/10 W took S to the beach for two days and said they would be back by dinner time. Then texted and said it is crappy so they will make it by bed time and that they stopped to play and eat. Then texted and said he is sleeping in the car. I said drive safe and see you guys when you get here. I went to meet a friend and had a few drinks (grrr the drink always gets my emptions out) and when I got home she said “we tried to make it home but had to stop and eat and play and then the weather got crappy”. I said year it was raining bad here too and asked what time they left. She took that as me being mad.. Had a few words back and forth.. I really was not mad and I don’t believe I acted mad either. Then I opened my big mouth and said it would be nice if you are here when you said you will be here with S. For me it was not about that day but what has happened in the last few weeks. There has been time when I ask if they are home before getting there and she told me they are out eating and will be back soon. They come back 3 hours later. She was with S and OM. That is my time with my S I am missing out on. And soon is not 3 hours. So all that was just building up and I brought it up. I told her how I felt about another man being in my S’s life. She sort of avoided that conversation but did say that I am in his life and tried to avoid it. I said you do what you would like but his time with me should not be affected by that.
We talked about a trip I am planning on taking with S to see D. W is invited. She even came up with a better idea of S and I visiting her when she is Vegas for a few days before the 3 of us going to visit D. S and W will stay there a few days and come back while I stay there longer with D. She said her girl friend is planning on taking her new daughter to visit her GP out of the country and how she would like to do that as well but how I will not let her take S for 2 weeks.
There is a pattern here that I am noticing. When W says something I would or would not do, it rubs me the wrong way. I would really wish she would come out and say, what do you think about taking S to such and such. I think she has an already build notion of what I am and what I will say. And sometimes she is right. But I have been trying and successfully sometimes so sit back and think about it before making a decision. Anyway that is something I want to bring up with W. I also told her how in a way she is my idol and I look up to her as much as she might not see it. She said she was happy to see the positive changes in me and I said “I know and its too late its too late”. She said that she didn’t say that and hasn’t said it in a long time.. I said “yes its been 3 weeks”… My big mouth again grrrrr.
Instead of leaving things on a good note we continue so more and now we are back onto S and how we both want the best for him. I feel her statements is questioning my fathering ability. She says things like how did I did not grow up with my father, what I am doing with S is what I learned from my mother. I said let me see if I get what you are saying and repeat what she said. I tell her that I don’t have a problem with how I am fathering my son and if there is something wrong with the way I am doing it to let me know. What she keeps saying is how later on in life S and I will bond as they drift apart and that this part of his life it should be more with her. I totally disagree. I said I will not be any less in his life right now or later. From there the convo goes south… and she said she is going to bed I said alright and before you go, I will repeat that S should not be spending time with another man that will cut my time with him. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it tonight but we will discuss it. I said I would like to talk about it now. She said she doesn’t. I said ok fine. She went upstairs and then came back down.. Asked what are the precautions of not talking tonight. I said nothing…. If you don’t want to talk about it, that is fine and left it at that….Grrrrrr