your h's depression maybe makes him "your kid". agree w/portia that it is not your job to save him-
who is it - snodderly? that al=ways says we didn't break them- we can't save them.
so right huh? hard to believe your h says it right out- that you're his savior...cripes. like is that "enough" for you??? or would ever be....noooooooo
Dawn, Your h has to save himself. You can't do it for him. He's got a lot of lessons to learn and the only way that he will is to work through them and come to the realization that only he has control over what he does w/his life and that happiness comes from within in.
The saying goes "you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him".
Keep the focus on you and your children. Your h is looking at you to be his savior or should I say "mother"? He's got to learn to sink or swim all by his lonesome.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The fault that most of us here have is that for years we enabled their PAIN and tried to help them. After a while the enabling still did not take away their PAIN. That is one of the reasons they are in crisis. Nothing that we or anyone else did could take that PAIN away.
You are obviously not alone in this
Stay strong, your H is looking to you for the impossible because what he needs cannot be found in another. You might comfort for a while, even a long while, but it still would never be enough.
Its so enraging isn't it, when they say basically, "Yeah, so?" My H does this exact same thing to me and it makes me near homicidal and it diminishes me too. I absolutely hate this part of the attitude... just saying I feel ya' girl
What's your next project? Did you say something about a BBQ once?
Make today a good day.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thanks everyone! I am at the deep end here w my frustration because I believe at this moment I really want out!
My frustration is I was doing my own thing! He was texting me! He was stepping into my space, talking, share and disclosing himself. All the while he was still thinking he's having his family and his new life style too!
I just told him my version of how this is working out only after he tried to want to much of me without any of the hard work - you don't have my cooperation in this facade of a R, no I am not going to help you, is what I said. I also said the exact words above- your H is looking to you for the impossible because what he needs cannot be found in another.
Now that he didn't do that he felt like a looser and started trying to find strength in watching doc's on strong men, and Moby Dick!
He looks under every rock to find himself. I am not trying to be his rock, just a light. He yelled it's because he believes in God that he's trying to be supportive to one street person in hopes it will redeem him just a little, and put favor for him back in God's eyes.
My truth came out and I said, your so worried not to humiliate or dishonor yourself to EA's plight because you say she's so bad off, that you don't see the dishonor your bringing to this family.
He says he see's it very clear! But, we are saved already, nothing can take that away from us!
It's all too ridiculous for me to handle anymore. I have no sympathy for his pain when I see the guy is soo smart and calculating that he IS making these choices for himself. No matter who he hurts that's ok because he's in crises...
No quiero oír esa mierda nunca más, estoy tan cansado de esto!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I truly understand your frustration. You can vent here, you can even be "Done". But whatever you do, don't vent on him. Nothing good will come from it.
Maybe a long walk will help you deal with all this frustration. Hang in there girl!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Nero, I think a phone call could be fun. Basically, take out my trash!
Dawn, thank you for your good wishes. Obviously, I am wishing you the same! It is strange how different our partners are - yours does not want to leave and mine has disappeared. I don't think one is harder than the other, just different. I do wish I was as done as you. Convincing myself has not worked.
Nero, I like your post about DBing above. I remember reading the book DR for the first time and thinking, I can do this! I never realized - and I do not think any book can convey - how truly deeply I was (and am) hurt by all that happened. This "final abandonment" has been the most difficult. Nothing shows no care at all like disappearing. And so, we do not DB perfectly. MLC is a slightly different animal than regular relationship problems.
Dawn, you are a good example of that. Even as he pours on the charm, there is something desperate about it and he still refuses to let go of this OW. She, as much as you has become his salvation. That way, if he "fails" he can blame you or her but not himself. It ocurred to me that is what my xSO is doing. Now, he can blame me for our "friendship" falling apart when his family or other friends ask about me. He tried, but I refused. Maybe that is what he wanted all along; someone else to blame. They test us, all the time and the truth is, we always fail their tests. We don't even know they are taking them. My xSO admitted as much to me.
Focus on you and in the end, you know you will be fine and when you have had enough.
It's all too ridiculous for me to handle anymore. I have no sympathy for his pain when I see the guy is soo smart and calculating that he IS making these choices for himself. No matter who he hurts that's ok because he's in crises...
me either- shovel over the pain- the blame - what big men. run from this- run from his mom- run from marrige - run from r - run from everything in the universe - people will stopchasing someday- then what?????/
alllll they do is fraid of this, fraid of that- all the while picking on us and our shortcomings (HA!) AND LOOking for more and more reaons why it's us, it's her, blah blah blah
tonite- i feel as done as you my dear- back later- gonna go drink wine with a bud and whine myself.
class from hell 9 & 10 period. how can kids be such little rats - cripes - it defies description the bad conduct & attitudes of a handful of them- i'm gonna conquer this or die trying.
hey hi- DAWN, PORTIA, MIZJDD,FOREVERYOUNG, ETC. ALL YOU GUYS HERE LAST NITE - -
whatta nite- laughed til i fell off my perch - ALWAYS good to go hang with a buddy- laugh - feel how nice it feels to be with people that want & appreciate your company- ta da.
PER MZJJD""""Its so enraging isn't it, when they say basically, "Yeah, so?"My H does this exact same thing to me and it makes me near homicidal and it diminishes me too. I absolutely hate this part of the attitude... just saying I feel ya' girl"""""
ME TOO on this- what blockheads. I'm wondering IF being easy-going and willing to accept people for what they are (even when it's not exactly what you like) is the "enabling" behavior we all engage in- IF IT CAN BE CALLED THAT - ??? YA THINK?
my h- i'm just thinking he's got a spoiled old "entitled" attitude- cheating parents (lousy role models) - everything handed to him in life (tho unhappy parent r's) - and ta da-
just a guy that thinks he's the only one in world deserving of love and happiness. everyone else "doesn't really matter" to him.
sad but true i think.
""""""PER DAWN: "It's all too ridiculous for me to handle anymore. I have no sympathy for his pain when I see the guy is soo smart and calculating that he IS making these choices for himself. No matter who he hurts that's ok because he's in crises..""""
me too- it is very hard to "keep my eye on the ball" here when i feel this way too. i'm not soooo sure on a daily basis it's his "pain" motivating him. i'm still leaning toward "greed" and "entitlement" - even if it's entitlement to blame and take his problems out on those around him...or those who love him.... i
YA KNOW WHAT DAWN- THIS MORNING I feel like you- i'm glad he's not here with his stinking sour puss- yesterday when he "saved" my computer (after an hour of trying- i couldn't get it going again) - then he "lectured" me about it- backing up (guilty), so on....SO- WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT A PERSON WHO CAN'T even be generous in victory (if you will?) i'd say shabby- small - needy - go stick your head in an over somewhere and leave me be.....
i may get lonely- but i will conquer this business of accepting "junk" from people - HIM- MY MOTHER - THAT STUPID one class- IF there is something in me that invites it- i'm going to find it- weed it out and toss it in the bin. i reckon if i can isolate it- own it- i can FIX it-
FOREVER YOUNG""""I truly understand your frustration. You can vent here, you can even be "Done". But whatever you do, don't vent on him. Nothing good will come from it."""
i KNOW THIS is the spiel in db (even subscribe to the wisdom) BUT - one has to wonder tho- where the line gets to be about holding it in til your head explodes - or periodically letting off some of the steam to the one person (you think) needs to hear it. mental health kind of thing.
dealing with men like these guys (sorry if i sound sexist) but there is that CONQUERING HERO side of them - the rest of us are mere serfs of the realm- not quite as human as them, certainly never as IMPORTANT as them, or as "deserving" etc. it's just a fact of life with some people - giant EGO? ...
i know once we say it- it's been said- DO NOT GO THERE AGAIN. & t squares good old "stfu" - certain actions tho- attitudes - just produce certain effects- with me it's like that too - fall off the wagon- dust self off- get back up- be a stinking human being- imperfect - keep trying - on and on and on til - - - what???
RE; PORTIA:::""" I do wish I was as done as you. Convincing myself has not worked.
Nero, I like your post about DBing above. I remember reading the book DR for the first time and thinking, I can do this! I never realized - and I do not think any book can convey - how truly deeply I was (and am) hurt by all that happened. This "final abandonment" has been the most difficult. Nothing shows no care at all like disappearing. And so, we do not DB perfectly. MLC is a slightly different animal than regular relationship problems."
I AGREE TOTALLY- the ABSOLUTE PAIN OF SOMEONE'S INDIFFERENCE - SOMEONE THAT "USED TO"LOVE AND CHERISH YOU - I swear - i feel horrible to think of my sister and others who have gone thru this- and while i did my best to comfort & support them - I HAD NO IDEA about the total annihlation of heart- soul- selfimage, etc. IT'S SOOOO HUGE & DEVASTATING. i don't think the people dealing it out have any idea in the universe -
i wonder if my h is not the same as yours (- wanting to force me to give up and go) . i'm sure if he had to explain to anyone- he'd lay it all rite at my door- complete with (i'm anticipating) the final split. it's pathetic - he's pathetic.
mine tho- his best friends & relatives know tho- they've all, along the way inquired here or there (i've been friends with them all for almost 40 years) - i've made no bones about it - however seemingly "normal" he acts. they can judge him how they like. ( i have no illusions that i am as important to them as him) btw - they can merely know that good ole me (- whom we all think is such a swell gal)- when i disappear for good, it's becasue he's a cheating rat... i did the best i could for as long as i could. maybe i'm petty- i'll accept the blame that is mine - not his..
i am not going to skulk out of my life like a beaten dog- the truth will set us free - huh? (OR i'm a just a fat-mouth and have no problem being honest with those people who truly seem to care enough to notice my pain & express their caring.
I cannot make excuses for him anymore or put a good spin on his "quirks" anymore....
PORTIA " Maybe that is what he wanted all along; someone else to blame. They test us, all the time and the truth is, we always fail their tests. We don't even know they are taking them. My xSO admitted as much to me."""
fortunate you that your h even sees and ADMITS this. I AM SO SICK OF FAILING TESTS - AS RECENTLY as last evening- WOW totally WOW THAT your H admits it) (clear -sighted guy) -
mine is firmly in the land of the self-righteous sooooo any such self-analysis would be a miracle. last nite- the lecture after fixing my computer- COULD YOU BE MORE NEEDY GUY to have to bam away a bit to make me knuckle under? (it was missing this forum that made me suck it up with grace - )
It's never really "fair" - maybe it's that- he can smell insurrection - even when i'm quiet - that i still have a backbone and am an EQUAL and he cannot appreciate or tolerate that in his life, in his R at this time.
he USED TO value me as a person- it's hard to think that part of his soul now HAS TO subdue people. how lame is that? (SO- IS THIS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS "PAIN" ) is it the being retired and not able to go be a star in court of law anymore? no more public and applauded victories to show the world? he still apparently SHINES on the tennis court (not allowed to be part of that world tho - so how would i know?) -
ICK ICK ICK-
you guys sure are helping me along too here - thanks for all the insights - what the heck i would haVe done or how the heck i would have waded thru this all for sooooooo long - i do not even know..... cannot even imagine.....
it's such a mess - (mylife) BUT
IT'S SUCH A WONDERFUL cool morning- almost a whole nite sleep- yay.... one small wonderful thing this morning- i'll take it.
have a wonderful day- my anger comes and goes as well- i'd say we're two great gals in a particularly complicated and icky mess - doing the best we can.
good luck today - you got me back on track of stfu- somehow when you & I "blow" around the same time - i marvel...
somehow we'll be okay in the end- just a matter of managing to stick it out til "the end" . either w or w/o h-
