I am at a loss on what to do anymore.

[stungBT]

I'm posting here because I am needy. I am sick and when I am sick I want some one to take care of me. Curl up next to me and just be with me, He knows I'm sick and is being kind of a jerk, I am trying not to reach out to him but it is really hard.

He told me he is having a bad day so of course I need to give him his space. I still love him and I miss him,

We did have a good moment Friday but yesterday was bad. I think he might be drinking too much but I cannot tell.

[RealityTrip]

I hope you are feeling better Stung! There is nothing worse than being sick and feeling alone!! Hang in there! I'm sorry you are feeling sad and missing you H. It's VERY difficult when they are right beside us. You have been doing a good job from my reading. I know it's so tough!

I hope your Memorial Holiday is filled with time for YOU! Go have some fun!

[stungBT]

So I went away for Memorial Day week to visit family. I got back yesterday. Since our last confrontation, He said he would stay away from the OW; however, I wasn't gone more than 3 hours and he met her for breakfast. Yes I had him followed. I stopped after this. I called a few times.

The first day to ask him to move out while I was gone. He pretty much ignored this request.
Day Three - I called no one answered or called me back.
Day Four - I called again because we had a financial issue that I could not resolve from where I was and he needed to take care of it. He said he would. The call was short and to the point.
Day Five - I called to check on said financial issue but only talked to my stepdaughter who said she didn't know where her dada was.

I stopped trying at this point. I received no texts or calls from him during the entire trip.

Unfortunately for him one my friends saw MY CAR at her house this past Sunday for a few hours. MY CAR!!!!!! I was so mad. I did not confront him and he still does not know I know.

Last night I told him I wanted to start the divorce process. I have to - nothing is changing. Our relationship isn't really getting better and when he took my car I found that to be a huge betrayal. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be a doormat. I am tired of looking the other way when he does stuff like this. I told him I couldn't live this way anymore.

I told him I would be in my room (our old room). He has slept in a different room for months. He said to be me - for now its your room until we figure out how to make it our room. Ok. Denial?

So this morning I call to setup the initial consultation with the mediator. I have to call him for his schedule. I was weak and told him I don't want this. I know it was bad because I was looking for the "neither did I" response. I didn't get it.

I am so hurt. Last night I didn't get what I needed and not this morning either. I did make the appointment but it isn't for two weeks. So my questions......

Is this now the time for the "After The Last Resort" Technique. If so, how does this work practically? I mean I go home from work then what?

[MrBond]

When you announced that you wanted a D, you hit LRT already. Did he deny that he saw the OW when you were gone? That was a boundary for you and he stepped over it. You have to enforce it or else he's going to know that you're not going to follow through. Have you thought about packing his things and dropping them off at the OW's house?

[stungBT]

No he did not deny that he saw her. He actually admitted to seeing her more then I was aware of. I never said I would divorce if he saw her. I said I would not tolerate their continuted "friendship". I am still willing to work on us if she is no longer in the picture but I do not want an open marriage. I really do not want the divorce but as I said I do not want to be a doormat. It hurts to be around him.

I made the appointment yesterday and emailed him the details. I so do not want this but I dont want to be hurt anymore I want to be happy I just wanted it to be with him. Anyway, he did not acknowlegde my email until last night when I saw him. He said for now all he was going to say was that he got it. He looked awful. He was very nice to me last night. Doing things he knows I like but not saying anything to me. I really don't think he wants it either.

I have thought about packing his stuff and doing as you suggested or just dropping it as his truck but his daughter lives with us and she is old enough to wonder. Even though she suspects, I don't want to tell her.

[MrBond]

When you confronted him, what was his attitude?

I can tell you what will turn him around. Due to your age difference, if you start going out and GAL and build up your self confidence by looking great, he will turn around.

Was he M'd before?

[stungBT]

I have confronted him several times. His attitude until this most recent time has always been either - I was doing nothing wrong or I am so sorry. He has said I will do whatever it takes to keep us together, he loves me, please don't leave me and then bam he does it again. He says he tries to stay away from OW but....

When I called him and told him I knew who he had breakfast with and wanted him out, he was not apologetic. He actually tried to tell me he was having breakfast with a male colleague. I said that's BS - although I really didn't know; my gut said differently and I bluffed and he thought I knew for sure. At this point, he kind of laughed and said I guess I am being followed. This was when I said I wanted him to move out.

When I got back, he told me he suspected he was being followed but didn't know for sure until that day. I asked him if that was the case, why when you promised to stay away from her and knew it would upset me, why have breakfast with her? He said he just wanted to confirm it. This makes no sense to me. Its like he wanted me to catch him and then file for divorce.

As I mentioned I still haven't told him I know about my car. Not sure if I should. What do you think? This is a major betrayal for me. If you think I should tell him I know, how do I do it?

When this started before I was actually aware there could be an OW - I was looking great. I was in the best shape of my life, planning on running my first race (which I finished) and happy as a clam with MY life. I knew our marriage had issues but hoped when his travel stopped we would get back together. So I was GALing pretty well before this came down.

As for GALing now - I am working out again; An injury has kept me down for a little while and I am still recovering. I have put on some weight due to medication and the injury but am going to take it off. I am exceling at my job but he doesn't know this (my situation is affecting my job but I am working on it).

I am not going out though. I do not know how to go out. What do I say to him? Also I work 9 hour days with an hour commute on either side so it makes for a long day. I was going out on the weekends occassionally and he would say stuff like Have fun, enjoy yourself, etc. Never asked where I was going or who with. Several times I have gone out to happy hours with "work" people. Yes a couple of times it was just one friend or alone, but most of the time he would be asleep in his room when I got home and never mentioned it to me. My other reluctance is if I start going out - he is going to go out.......I know I should not care what he does, but I do. I can't help if people tell me when they seem him out though but for now I have officially stopped spying on him.

He has been married before a couple of times. I know I should have known better but he had what I thought were justified reasons. First one ran off with another man, etc.

What do I do now?

[stungBT]

Did I do the right thing asking for the divorce? Can I change my mind?

What do I do? The mediation appointment is set.

[Cianna]

Im totally new here, and very new in this process as well...

I have a different take on how youre handling the OW. I get setting boundaries, and not wanting to be a doormat. I had the same issue in the beginning with my H, and his GF. While my situation started out VERY differently, we are now in the same boat. (With the exception that mine is a WAH, and yours is at least saying he doesnt want you to go)

Your H sounds like mine, kind of a kid with impulse control issues. Have you thought about not showing ANY concern for what he does with her? If you tell a kid, "Dont touch that!! Youll burn yourself!!" What does the kid now obsess about touching??? Hear me out on this...

We live in an extremely small town, my H spends all of his free time with her. Her street is a main throughway in our town, and H has a very distinctive truck. I have stopped mentioning knowing he is with her.. etc. As of today, I have FINALLY been able to detach from the situation. I really just dont care. The result? Might be my imagination, but my H was actually cordial to me when I had to text him this morning.

Like kids... even negative attention is attention. I notice the more I talk about her being disrespectful of me (like posting pics of the, as a couple on FB) the more it pushes him to her saying, "You just never change, this isnt about her, its about us and that I dont want to be married to you anymore!" Gives the GF the open door to say, "Shes so controlling! Im here for you hunny" She provides no pressure, all support and ego stroking. "You deserve so much better"

Again, I am no vet, heck Im still on moderation! LOL But I also think you might be rushing the process a bit.. Your H is still in lalaland with the GF...

Anyway, thats my thoughts... Good luck, keep your head up and keep PMA!!

[MrBond]

Pack his bags and take it to the OW's house. You need to do something drastic to wake him up.

Why did he claim he D'd in the first place? You can see that he never worked on himself during those other marriages and is still blaming others (YOU) for his happiness.