OK, I understand the logistics of needing to tell your W that you will be unable to watch the kids on Thursday evenings. Did you openly tell her WHY you are unable to watch the kids those nights?
Do you get anxiety when you notice your W getting a text, regardless of whom it might be from?
Do you get anxiety when you notice your W is actively texting in a conversation, regardless of whether you know it is OM or not?
Can you differentiate between a text from OM and a text from anyone else?
KD nope I haven't told her the logistics at all. I actually haven't told her anything yet. The reason is I don't want her to think it is some sort of tactic to get her back. I am going to Alanon for my codependency problems. Tired of allowing her emotions control mine.
Bond yes you're right. I have still have fear of D. The fear is more around losing the family unit not losing W. I mean who the FN hell would want to be married to my W right now? Nobody. Not even me.
I am in counseling right now for anxiety and codependency.
CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS JUDGE THEMSELVES HARSHLY AND HAVE A VERY LOW SENSE OF SELF-ESTEEM. SOMETIMES THEIR LOW SELF-ESTEEM IS COMPENSATED FOR BY TRYING TO ACT SUPERIOR TO OTHERS. COA’s never feel as though they measure up to their own standards. It stops them from asserting their needs because they do not feel as though they deserve even the most basic of wants. Low self-esteem also keeps them from trying new things or from leaving bad relationships.
Kd I get the most anxiety when she flips her iPhone over so I can't see who is txting her. When things are good she does not do this . 99% of time when she flips phone over she is txting other men. Now it could be her support system etc. that is the most anxiety. So if I notice she is doing that it gives me anxiety. She started doing this almost immediately after our vacation. I noticed disconnect and when I was brave enough to ask her what was up she said I'm smothered again and brought up a comment I made weeks before. Just being honest about triggers.
Another trigger is if I know she is going to lunch with friends or out with friends or especially mutual friends . Anxiety will sometimes drive me or urge me to ask mutual questions . For some reason it is a trigger for me.
Another trigger of anxiety is if she starts going out without rings on again . Anxiety spikes
A huge trigger and one I avoid is if I temp check and get rejected
Another trigger is if I happen to snoop and flip phone over to see who txts are from. I try to avoid this also but sometimes I slip.
Basically my wife is deceitful , says she only in m for kids ,will not counsel or talk I know my choices . Detach or file . Both not easy.
A trigger that is no longer a trigger is at night she goto bed and say nothing. No longer triggers
I try not to initiate conversations because any sort if rejection, non answers would trigger
Gabby we have never argued in front of our children. There certainly is no affection in front of them from us right now . She is SAHM and when I get home at night I take over kid duties . Weekends I mostly take kids to give her breaks
My kids are 4 and 7. I don't think they know anything is wrong . I mean we just got back from Bahamas and we were a family unit. I mean I wasn't even expecting this again. Someone told me that air travel and vacations can trigger anxiety (tangent )
But as kids yes they talk like nothing wrong . There excited for summer house and using dads boat etc.
I'm a little disgusted this happened again after 4 months but the reality now looking at it was nothing more then a false start. If she truly wanted to work on the marriage well she would work on the marriage which well requires work
When my wife's body is balanced she is a great person . Just doesn't stay balanced for long
No communication and coldness can be worse than arguing.
Agreed. When W is cold to me I act "as if" everything is good. I'll tell her a couple things about my day, a story or two, act happy and upbeat. If she joins in, great! I'll reward her with more goodness. If she doesn't, I'll back off, do my own thing and give her space.
As long as you don't push it, it's not pressure or pursuit.
Just because she wants to be an iceburg doesn't mean I have to be. I see no benifit to returning coldness with coldness. It only drives you farther apart.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
