first time(&last) & still need help

[albamarie]

do you envision yourself finished dbing? really?? are you saying give it totally up- or that you've given up totally? (just curious here) i'm pretty hopeless - but not quite stopping db- but seriously considering myself done.

I'm to lazy to make quotes! So, yes, I would love to be finished dbing! What the hell am I still standing for when I see that nothing has changed! They don't think any different, yea the're calmer, but so is a bear right before you try to cross it's path. I don't want to live knowing anything, really, anything can cause all of this to bound right back. No thanks! What he gives me as a loving, youngish, pretty women is not enough to roll over and be content!

i hope i'm not causing you pain asking rite out- i think the frequent being gone = gives me distance from the stark reality. can you do it without flinching?

No, I can not! I can't be something else to a man that I gave my love and life to and he treated it w the most disrespect available! I'm not event talking the A, but that [censored] too, I'm talking about the dragging on regarding one's self hate. How the hell much can one person hate them self? That lingering self loth he has shows in everything about him, it gets sickening!

My H isn't sleeping w ea and I can't stand with every fiber of my being, when he's talking to her or visiting to help the piece of sh!t. So no, I won't put myself through that, that's why I told him I was done, I want out.

is that what you see??? in your h and my h? the HUGE day-to-day grind of LIVING WITH IT in your face?

Yea, the have no conscience! They are the doers what do they care. Yea, mine gets guilty feelings, even shaved his head in shame, bought me a car, but it doesn't give a girl the one thing she is really in need of, respect!

I am "weak" sometimes in the face of my nnnneeeeeds. (real or imagined)

That weakness is yours to contend w each time he's there getting the signal from you that you are content in his company. No judgement, we all do it, we face loneliness and fear every day, it's hard not to feel weak when they toss a bone. Me, I have become callous to even wanting him to give me the ounce of attention I used to yearn for when this began. But, I look back at what I had and say why the hell am I collecting scraps of "my" life, I didn't do anything wrong!

i hate it when your lite is goin out...wah wah

My light may never be out for H, he's who he is forever, w or w/o us as a couple, there are some things that I can't wash away about him.

"only to find out nothing has changed in his mind". how discouraging, etc.
Yes, there is the discouragement! Even in the face of better times, nothing has changed, they are just as confused, or not, and settled into their new way of thinking. There are hopeful stories, h even thinks this/my story w be a fine ending, yea he would think that, I don't disappoint him!

i hope i didn't depress you- i hope you're okay and isn't it amazing that soooo many people think money is the cure to all their problems, it's love.

I don't depress easy, but your right, otherwise why would there be so many fairy tails of royalty running away w commoners. Oh, that Jane Austin, even Disney for heavens sake!

that it seems to provide something you need and want - but is toxic and slowly killing you?

I have been aware of the toxic for some time now and made the choice a while ago that it's not worth it. For pete's sake these aren't the only men in town. We are attached to the known, the safe, the comfortable, the past memories. I, for one am not going to let that steer me anymore. The're called memories for a reason!

I want the past to stay in the past. I am tired of trying to db my fake a$$ through all of this just to see nothing has changed in his head, and I no long know what I'm dbing for.

I am a fraud! I laugh, listen, smile, all in the name of trying to help the father of my children come back to some sort fo reality. When my reality is they think I am being ridiculous for trying. Well maybe I exaggerate, but they have looks on their face that tell me they don't even care anymore.

I try for him. To help him mature so I can go on. Portia is soooo right when she said he is putting his survival ON YOU I feel like he won't let me go if he's not able to care for himself. He said I was his safe haven.

Are you your SO's safety net? Interesting to see what you say about that.

Did I facilitate that? I have always been that for him! Maybe I am the one who needs to be the WAS! Ok! I'm done, my nails are too long for this. Gonna go chop them off (tomboy me) and find some food! Have a good read here, I'm being pretty honest w you as well as w myself!

((((((()))))))))))) dm