Dont know what to do...

[Cianna]

And NONE of my posts are showing up!!!! grrrrr.... He is demanding I move out... Hes the one leaving me... I dont have a job or income and havent in 10+ years... Not sure how to respond to him...

Trying to be calm and logical... this is frustrating...

[Jeack]

Your on moderation right now. So your post won't show up immediately. Stick to one thread and keep posting.

[Cianna]

I couldnt see where I had posted so I kept potsing new topics.... oye...

[Cianna]

Im wondering if I should just copy and paste all 16 of my previous posts into ts one so that they arw in one place... LOL Can I delete the originals if I do that?? Im also missing the very first one, which may be because it is quite lengthy...

[~ kd ~]

Cianna, of your 17 posts, 12 of them have been released, all in different topics that you've started:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=32638

If you can stick to this on, please continue to post on this topic and many will be around to support you soon enough.

[~ kd ~]

I'll just bring some of your first posts here to keep things in context:

I have so many questions, and H has a tight hold on our finances, I am not allowed to spend any money without informing him what its for, and wait for his approval. I cant buy the books until I can get a CC..

At what point can I ask to talk about the reasons he is leaving? Tonight I blew it and overreacted to him. He then initiated another conversation, I apologized for my reactions, and validated his frustrations. He said to me, "Its not just you, its me too. I know this is the right choice for me, but it doesnt mean its easy. Im angry about having to sell everything Ive worked so hard for."

He hasnt filed yet, but is with OW when he isnt at work. He is waiting for me to agree to his terms, or tell him how much Im going to "take" from him.

I have to talk to H, as much as I would like to just go dark, he has made a requirement that I ask before using the joint account. EVERY TIME He wants to know for what, and then will give me an amount.

Plus, he is adamant that I not attend any function, or go to any establishment that he also frequents. We have established a large circle of mutual friends, that we did a lot of things with. Now, H refuses to be around me. Says it makes him way too angry, and it makes our friends uncomfortable. I dont think its fair to make our friends take sides, so, I explained to H that we control how comfortable people are around us. That being the case, I have to ask him if he is planning on attending something we have both been invited to, before I accept any invitation.

I have been able to keep most of these interactions very upbeat, and happy.. "Hey, Im thinking of going out tonight... is it ok if I go to...(our local bar)?" No matter his answer, I reply with, "Ok, have a great nite TTYL" The problem situations come up like a couple parties we've been invited to, and a river trip that was planned for our recently deceased friend... We both want to go, but if I express that I really want to go, he gets angry and snaps at me, "Whatever, I dont care, go enjoy yourself" If I tell him I wont go so he can, then he takes his GF, which is just really hurtful.

This whole arrangement makes me GALing very difficult.

I keep letting him and his GF provoke me...

This time its pictures all over FB of them at a mutual friends house... as a couple. I asked him to have her not post them out of respect for me, he got angry and it all went downhill from there...

Why is it that I need to just roll over and be ok with whatever they do, even if its disrespecting me?

So, my roommate is taking bits of phone conversations, and conversations with friends, twisting them pulling them out of context and then relaying them to my husband with a negative spin... this infuriates my husband and pushes him further towards obtaining an attorney, and forcing me out of the house.

I also dont know if H can legally force me out of the house...

Well, technically still lives here.. wants me to move out, I have no job (havent had income in 10 years).

He spends 98% of his free time with his GF... Can he force me out of the house? Should I leave? I feel like if I leave it will just seal my fate and he will move his GF into our home.

Im wondering if I should go to H with a plan to move out? That seems to be his main sticking point right now..

He is offering me $2000/month (approximately 1/4 of our marital assests..).... this is "very generous" in his opinion... For 18 years I always said I would never ask for more than my clothes and my car... however, he has encouraged me to not work, and assure me that I would never need to worry about it. That he was never going to leave me, and would always work towards resolution and give me plenty of time if we ever got to this point.

I want nothing to do with a divorce, I also understand that I can not force him to remain married to me. Ive already done a couple major 180s, and tried to GAL.. with very restrictive boundaries set by him.

My goals:

1. The way I treat people
I HAD a tendancy to be harsh with my truth, be overbearing, and demand justice at all
costs. Since the death of my friend, I made dramatic changes in that regard.
2. Dont do anything around the house..
Anyone who knows us, knows that I do a lot around the house. I have OCD, and it
manifests in the form of cleaning. I had to actually look deeper into this issue and see
the real problem. Its that he feels I am taking advantage of him because he provides
100% of my environment financially, and has for the last 10+ years. He was feeling
unappreciated. Asking for help around the house is ok once in awhile, not all the
time.. not an issue for me, since Im going to be doing it all when Im single!
3. Pushing my way, my agnda...
Im still working on this one, Im getting better!!!
4. Spend too much money..
This is actually a new one, and only cropped up recently.. Not sure where its coming
from, but I will only use the check card with his express permission. I make sure to
say please, and Thank you every time as well.

Thankfully, Ive made these changes for me, firstly. Hes not around to notice the most important ones, inregards to my interpersonal interactions. There is still such a large part of me wishing he would just notice so that we can begin to come to a place of peace, and start the next phase of our marriage, with new perspecives of each other, and a new dynamic to our marriage.

I think I'll stop there, for now.

[Cianna]

Thank you!!! Hmmmm... I can see that patience is another thing I need to work on... Sigh...

[~ kd ~]

It appears at first blush, that your H is giving you some very classic "script" and that he thinks this is all about him, even though he claims to be thinking about you as far as what he might say is giving you a fair buyout.

As many who find themselves here, you will be all over the map emotionally at these early stages. That will be the first thing to get a handle on. Work on detaching to help you stabalize your emotions so that you can act in positive, effective ways, rather than re-acting to your H's words and actions.

Also, as much as your friends want to help you, leaning on them or allowing them to support you will be very biased. They will want you to be happy and could possibly tell you all sorts of things and try to encourage you to get out and mingle and even try to hook you up with other men to help you out. They will certainly mean well, but they can also derail your efforts to work on yourself and hopefully save your M.

If you can, keep as much of your venting and thoughts here, with an IC, possibly a DB coach, or a priest who will be pro M and DB friendly and help you work through this.

As I mentioned, others will be around to support you. Those are just some things I wanted to bring up right now.

Detach, GAL, work on your 180s. All important to move yourself forward and possibly help save your M. As far as D, get advice from a L and take your time to conduct due diligence before agreeing to anything. It's what HE wants and he may not even follow through. It is not for you to stop him from getting what he wants, but you certainly don't have to rush or give him what he wants, or do the D work for him. There's procedures and processes for these things.

[Cianna]

Since the beginning his theme has been, "This is about what I want, my feelings and my perspective."

I do understand about my friends being biased, and have been more conscious of venting so much to them. The good thing is, they all know that I am only willing to stay on a path of making me better, and having a better marriage. Only one time did a friend offer to get me "back in the saddle" as it were... being as my sexuality is unclear, and my desire for interaction outside of limited social setting is non exisitent, that was short lived. They no longer tell me to take money secretly, or encourage me to "take him to the cleaners". They all know my intentions, and are supporting me... even though they alll say, "Youre a much better woman than I, Id dump him and take everything.. Dont even know how you can think of forgiving him! Hats off to you my friend.."

Can I get free advice from a L without retaining one??

[JuneReN]

Listen to KD...very wise

My H constantly tried to hook me up with others to alleviate his guilt I suppose at having a GF.

Friends want to help, but they also don't like to see you hurting. The quickest way in their minds is to get H out of your life. If you choose to wait and practice DB, they will think you are crazy, a doormat or both. For that reason, and the fact that stuff will get back eventually to your H , confide here instead. You can vent, ask for advice etc and no one judges you

BTW? I don't love you anymore and never really did happened last September for me. H had GF a couple weeks later (known to him already and I knew her as well). He was done, wanted legal separation, wanted mediation. GF said file, H said no, he would continue supporting us/me as long as it took.

H tells me that "no need for divorce"
H and GF break up (GF initiated)
H tells mutual friends we still love and care for each other (far cry from 'I don't love you')


So...script? We have all heard it played out in a lot of different words. The advice I repeat most is in Sandi's rules "Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see" This applies good and bad

Get out...GAL, practice your 180's

Cheers, Ruby