Getting Uncomfortable

[mizjjd]

Prior thread The Art of Invisibility
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...382#Post2354382

I have realized that things might be becoming too comfortable. H being a live in MLCer who doesn't spew often, and who's behavior doesn't dramatically differ from pre-bomb behavior gives me an illusion that all is "as usual", that all is "comfortable".

H even has been making "future" comments... as in "what I want to do to the house in the future...", and "I have realized I could never live in Canada again..."

I have no idea what if anything these comments mean to him, or what they could mean to me/us. But the meaning I do pick up is the possibility that this status quo could continue indefinitely. Because its familiar, its easier than some other choices, because its comfortable.

So I feel I need to get uncomfortable. Because I don't want a continuation of this current state.

I'm not sure yet what this will mean for me. Pushing my limits, edging out of my box, growing - with all the associated pains. Getting uncomfortable.

But first I would like to "get over" this intestinal malaise, so, for now just thinking, ruminating, researching, considering. Still have to phone the school too. (I am giving myself a pass on not following through last week due to extenuating circumstances.)

Are both of the boys going on the class trip to FL? That will be so fun for them! When are the States?

They both signed up, paid up, and attended the class. But only 1 does track, which unfortunately conflicts with the trip. So DECISION MAKING TIME for S16. Other S16 leaves on the trip tomorrow - will be odd to have them apart.

State is this Fri & Sat.

Off to contend with never ending laundry, get ready for work etc. Wishing the best to all who read this.

[Portia]

MizJ,

Sorry you are under the weather! I hate being sick, it throws everything off!

Don't make any rash moves while you are unwell - that is "uncomfortable" enough.

Any idea what you would like to do to shake things up? Your H is much like Linda's H - both like the status quo. That the way things are don't work for the two of you is no nevermind. They are quite comfy.

Feel better!

[RosaLinda]

"I have realized that things might be becoming too comfortable. H being a live in MLCer who doesn't spew often, and who's behavior doesn't dramatically differ from pre-bomb behavior gives me an illusion that all is "as usual", that all is "comfortable".

H even has been making "future" comments... as in "what I want to do to the house in the future...", and "I have realized I could never live in Canada again..."

I have no idea what if anything these comments mean to him, or what they could mean to me/us. But the meaning I do pick up is the possibility that this status quo could continue indefinitely. Because its familiar, its easier than some other choices, because its comfortable.

So I feel I need to get uncomfortable. Because I don't want a continuation of this current state.

I'm not sure yet what this will mean for me. Pushing my limits, edging out of my box, growing - with all the associated pains. Getting uncomfortable."

Boy oh boy, that sounds like my relationship with my H, between BD 1 and 2. I thought things were okay, just sort of cool, but thought he was slowly getting over his MLC. And after his second EA was over last summer, I stupidly thought he was back to my beloved H. But now I see that our relationship was more like "friends with benefits" in his eyes, and now...no benefits. Not much friendliness either

Do you feel like your H is too comfortable with the staus quo also? Is the future shake up for you or for him, Mz. J? Both probably I guess. I was sort of thinking that my H and I will just muddle along as long as I can stand it (unless the Russian Tramp shows up again -- that would shake things up a bit LOL!) until he wakes up and goes into the next stages of MLC. I'm not liking your statement " the possibility that this status quo could continue indefinitely." Is that common? Or do you just want to hurry things up?

"They both signed up, paid up, and attended the class. But only 1 does track, which unfortunately conflicts with the trip. So DECISION MAKING TIME for S16. Other S16 leaves on the trip tomorrow - will be odd to have them apart. State is this Fri & Sat.

Gee that's terrible. Hard decision for S16, poor kid. I bet both are REALLY important to him.

[RosaLinda]

Mz. J, read the first post on this thread, it was suggested by Snodderly to someone else struggling. It's about change, written by someone who went thru MLC, and then his wife went thru MLC. Can you imagine? Quite pertinent to us I think.

Moving Forward II

Linda M

[mizjjd]

Do you feel like your H is too comfortable with the staus quo also? Is the future shake up for you or for him, Mz. J?

I know the wisdom on MLC says the MLCer is unhappy regardless of their facade, and I do believe that to be the case for my H. But I think he's comfortable enough as-is to not progress on his own path, or to feel any reason to progress.

But while he might reap benefit from my "shake up", that would be incidental to my purpose. Yeah, this is all about me right now. (Insert smiley with a tiara here.)

Portia (HI PORTIA!! NICE TO SEE YOU!! ) has suggested our sitches (yours and mine) might be similar and I think she may be right. Lol, sorry about your luck

I was sort of thinking that my H and I will just muddle along as long as I can stand it

I feel like I've been ^^ for a very long time. Like well over a decade, closer to two.

I stole the quote/question below from your thread.

But I guess what I'm asking is - was he really a good guy before, which makes all this worth suffering through for his sake? Or, on reflection, was he maybe always a selfish guy who didn't make you a priority?

You answered emphatically yes.

I don't know the answer anymore. I married a fantastic guy, but as I said in another post, that faded within a couple years of marriage.

Not that every day was god-awful, by any means. But its been so so long since I could think of H as my "go-to" for emotional support, or even, to my mind, kindness that I don't know who he is anymore. And, while I was busy stealing that quote, I saw something else too.

The fault that most of us here have is that for years we enabled their PAIN and tried to help them.
After a while the enabling still did not take away their PAIN.
That is one of the reasons they are in crisis.
Nothing that we or anyone else did could take that PAIN away.

I think this really applies to my sitch. H came to me after 2 failed marriages, no contact with those 3 children, no contact with his parents for several years, little to no contact with his sisters. Get this, his life plan at that time was to buy a sailboat and find a deserted island to live out his days, away from all civilization. Can't imagine how I didn't see this as a GIANT RED FLAG. But no. He and I were "in love" and the rest is history.

Wow, this is getting long. Breaking for posting/reading ease.

[mizjjd]

So, following Cadet's line, the last 20 years he's been pouring that pain into me, our M, but that still didn't help ease him. (Correct me if I'm wrong on that Cadet.)

Throughout the years he's also thrown himself into "distractions", sports, businesses, other women, and lets not forget gambling (which he sees as more of a business)

Yep, I can easily see him going another 20 years as we are now.

And wow. I don't want to do that. I don't think I can do that.

So something's got to change, and that's got to be me.

I've been pondering of late, and would love to get some feedback from the sages of the board (you know who you are!! ) H is reconnecting to his family. Like I said, when we married he had NO contact. I insisted early on that his parents had a right to know if he was living or dead, so he did make a phone call at my request. But now he seems almost fully re-engaged. (I have been encouraging this for YEARS but now that its happening H thinks I resent it?)

But is this the reconnection that is mentioned as a stage of MLC?

But has he been MLC for 20 years? Is that possible? Is he MLC at all, or just suffering from some life long crisis/personality disorder? (It seems like every time I ask these questions someone tells me not to lol. Dammit, I just wanna know! Its kind of like wanting to know what sort of tree is in my back yard - knowing doesn't change anything, but then I KNOW. I'm nerdy like that, ask my H. Its one of the things he doesn't like about me. Oh, and its a Silver Maple.)

Jeesh, time to run already. Thanks for the link Linda, haven't had time to fully read it but on a quick skim it looked most interesting.

As always, thanks to all for stopping by.

[job]

I think your h has begun some reconnection w/his parents.

I wouldn't say he's been in MLC for 20 years, but he's been stuck in one of his life transitions. I have this sense that your h has had a difficult time navigating all of his life transitions since he was a teenager and he may have been slightly stuck and took on the personna he's had for many years. Some do have a difficult time and find other activities to focus on versus doing the hard work of looking within. Your h may be one of them. It's possible that w/his parents' recent health issues, it's ignited a little spark in him to inch forward a bit. Time will tell if he changes now that he's older and is facing mortality by reconnecting w/his parents.

I seriously doubt that I've answered your questions, but it is very likely that what I posted may be the case in your h's situation.

[RosaLinda]

oh Lord Mz. J I feel so badly for you, this has been going on for SO long.

"I think this really applies to my sitch. H came to me after 2 failed marriages, no contact with those 3 children, no contact with his parents for several years, little to no contact with his sisters. Get this, his life plan at that time was to buy a sailboat and find a deserted island to live out his days, away from all civilization. Can't imagine how I didn't see this as a GIANT RED FLAG. But no. He and I were "in love" and the rest is history."

Um, because you were 22 years old and in love? Don't be so hard on yourself my friend. Sailing away to a deserted island probably seemed romantic and dreamy to you lol! And I'm sure you fell for that line they all have, how the Xs did not understand them.

I feel really sorry for you MzJ. As I've mentioned, my husband has never been the most demonstrative of men, and no touching permitted at all in public ever. But over the years, he's made me feel ** beloved ** and that is a wonderful thing. I don't think you've ever had that. I might never have it again but at least I have memories.

I was pondering on that thread Snodderly recommended, written by a man who went thru MLC, only to have his wife go thru it after him. I wonder if she did it out of sheer resentment of all the years she spent standing, stuffing down all of her emotions. I too would like to be the one chased, pandered to, loved, for a change, with excuses made for my bad behavior

[Portia]

HEY MIZJ!!!!

Giant red flags? Shoot, we should all come with one. Mine would be Left Behind Girlfriend, slightly damaged, occasionally bites and hates leashes.

They only seem like red flags now but I doubt they did, especially if you had a few good years together. Maybe this is the real gift for you, my friend in dealing with an MLC husband. Time to decide what it is YOU want. I love that he seems comfortable. Gives you the true gift of time. He can be comfortable while you plot. Maybe you will start to build a fabulous life for yourself and keep him around for laughs or a house-sitter while you are away on some island somewhere sipping umbrella drinks.

[mizjjd]

Thanks for dropping by, Snodderly, Portia and LindaM.

Linda, there's no reason for pity here but I thank you for caring. Maybe some things are easier for me than others because of the details of my sitch - you know? C'est la vie

Portia, your listing of your personal red flags made me think of the cards on the cages at an animal shelter... so sad, all those faces behind bars with signs that say "couldn't keep due to the following".

And yes certainly hindsight has allowed me to see the GIANT RED FLAGS that at the time were invisible to my eyes. But now that I do have that perspective it does cause me to wonder just how much I could expect from my H. Because if he is as suggested by Snodderly, "stuck", and has been so for the majority of his life, I really don't know how much he could change even if he wanted to. And I certainly don't see evidence of him wanting to.

I wonder what his sign would read, "surrendered because prior guardian could no longer handle. Requires great attention and demands obedience. Completely housebroken."

Sigh. Anyway, oddity of the day. H rubbed my back this morning. This might make, with no exaggeration, oh 8 or 9 back rubs in our entire marriage. This is an occasional arguing point for us, because H expects a back rub nightly and sometimes I have huffed "sure, right after I get mine" which leads to "If you don't want to rub my back then don't. F$%#, ask you to do a simple thing for me."

Now of course, I wonder if this was done out of guilt. (H is leaving for the casino today.) But then I think too, what exactly do I expect him to do? If I interpret every gesture as "guilt driven" then why should he do diddly? (Of course I only said "Thank you" to H, this dialog was all internal.)

But on to better things. Trying to get Friday off to go watch S16's qualifying try for State. (This displeased H, because he had decided he and I would not attend. Coincidentally, he had mentioned the unfortunate scheduling of State in the middle of a 4 day off-work stretch for him because of course that would interrupt his gambling. SMH) Lol, H was rather perturbed with me when I said I wanted to go. "But its only the qualifying round and you know they're probably not going to make it! Its like going to watch a rehearsal! A waste of time and money!"

Yes, they have the slowest time of all the teams. This means its likely they won't qualify, and the only time to watch them will be in the prelims. To me, this makes going at that time even more important, not less.

I wonder if he feels I'm "showing him up" because I'm taking time off to go, while he already has the time off but is not going.

Lol, "It's 2 hours away! That's 4 hours of driving! 8 if they qualify!"

Oh go ahead, ask me how far away the casino is...

All this discussion was done via text. I only answered that I understood the time/cost but wanted to go anyway. This got me the big "whatever" ~and a backrub too, I suppose.

Off to start another day's adventure. Everyone's busy or out of town this evening, think I'll take S20 out to dinner.

Cheers!