i know you are rite - and it would be very very bad to "see" and feel. i miss my life tho- down there- the kids, my friends, etc. I called it "home" for most of my life. i'm closer to family down there than here- and a couple truly good girlfriends as well. i'm truly torn about what part that stupid place has in my heart/life. that's the hard part- with him he takes the past 37 or so years of my life & everyone in it. i don't like him being able to tell me what and who i "get to have" in life. like him- i want what i want. f him.
part of me wants to be soooo hard and stare him right down and laugh in his face. I know- what is the cost to self- is this my stupid ego and pride or what? i never made claims of being toughest woman in the world- i don't feel compelled to lie about who i am.
I'm feeling exiled - i hate giving him that power.
so - let me ask you this - if i'm moving on and finding my path- which i actually think i am doing- job- friends- activities, etc. -
do you envision yourself finished dbing? really?? are you saying give it totally up- or that you've given up totally? (just curious here) i'm pretty hopeless - but not quite stopping db- but seriously considering myself done.
i know we laugh about our lighthouse - lite flickering- i thought tho, that in the end, you were still remaining, well, (available) somewhat for h if he manages to convince you & win you back. it's prudent and realistic i think-
i don't like this constant pressure i give me to lable it- decide it- go one way or the other, etc. sorry if i do it to you too- i can be quite a jerk in that regard - need to file it all somewhere i can understand.
just curious where your head is at- me - my basic - overall position is - been working on own "new life"(job) , pma - gal - new activities - with no real hope (in any serious way - of his "waking up") - still some old small tugs of heart in that direction. ( i don't think he'll save himself - i don't like it, but i don't have any choice but swallow it) - praying for some final detachment-wisdom-blam on head to push me into going (like a job with giant paycheck ?- ) (wonderful new man & life prospect?) - and putzing along, dragging my feet because i have nothing new and great to rush to.
I'm treading water, rather than give up and sink gracefully down to the stinkin bottom? i have this dam "fighter" instinct- and when someone is telling me what i HAVE TO do- my impulse is fight it with everything i've got- I can'T even figure out what it is i want- i'm soooo busy saying NO to whoever is bossing me. i know- childish huh?
maybe a coast guard will cruise by and "pick me up" before the sharks smell me???
what about you- ??
btw - he does ask for a ride from airport. i sleep so poorly alone. embarassed to say i haven't slept alone since i was 24 - i haven't been unattached since 15 or so. i'm just lousey at it- and i guess hanging onto some comfort habits here. my addiction/comfort zone.
I am a bit blue becasue unlike you- (and rest of world) i hate summer. years of getting cooked alive in ft.lauderdale- where we all just work and stay inside - in the a/c and try to forget it's summer. (i am white & frecklie - red hair and unable to tan or go around in heat without fainting) sadly- i haven't managed to rid myself of it- hate the heat- need to find some other job to "kill" the summer. so i've probably got my summer trapped attitude going on.
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From my gut Nero I say "IF" you can go there and understand that this man is not your BF, not anything more than himself who's life your not a part of, send him off to his secrets without flinching, than go! But, can you really do that? Like you said when you had it all, how do you go backwards and be friends while watching him give what was yours to someone else!
is this exact thing what has pushed you to point of going? i hope i'm not causing you pain asking rite out- i think the frequent being gone = gives me distance from the stark reality. can you do it without flinching? is such a thing possible do you think for women with hearts inside them??? is that what you see??? in your h and my h? the HUGE day-to-day grind of LIVING WITH IT in your face?
thanks for reply- i have to get this stuff out of my head for a bit. i even slept last nite- but my brain hurts from the wierd stress of it. i feel better to hear his voice and chat - and i hate that. I hate realizing it- it's a sick thing. he's as sick as me too - what a stinkin pair of jerks we are ..
why i got into this "talk" i don't know. how did you too? and how wierd your beginning comment you may have "undone" any progress. it was so amazingly "timely" -
somewhere in the book it says about same - ...."only to find out nothing has changed in his mind". how discouraging, etc.
i hope i didn't depress you- i hope you're okay and isn't it amazing that soooo many people think money is the cure to all their problems - when really-
love is??? am i insanely romantic or what? that love is the answer to all the problems of life. it helps you thru them all- having none is such a huge huge deficit in my psyche.
it's that (my addiction) - the mental "block" i've got- the notion that it's the most important thing in my life.
for this moment- well, you know.... so you think it's like quitting smoking? i'll quit - go back, i'll qui5t - go back, etc a few times before it sticks. you think you will? do you feel like your h is a very very bad addiction also? that it seems to provide something you need and want - but is toxic and slowly killing you? i feel soooo guilty to not "save" myself immediately (if that's appropriate lingo)
i hope the ups man bangs on your door today and he is lovely and sparks fly- that's my positive thought. you're young- it will happen - just some person and ka bam (well, i'm wishin it for you anyway)
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Let me know what you think!
I think you're a nice person and i appreciate the response. very probably totally right - I am "weak" sometimes in the face of my nnnneeeeeds. (real or imagined)
i'm outta here- plant the darn roses before they die. focus and do laundry - xxoo(( ))
hope you and your day are okay. i hate it when your lite is goin out...wah wah
