We had a conversation today about the R. W reiterated that she has lost all hope, trust, or feelings about the M. That no matter what I do, that she can never get back what she has lost. She claims that she understands that given time, and my demonstrations of change, that I had hope that her feelings would change. But...due to the past, that even if I did change...that even months later, she wouldnt be able to trust them.
A couple of things, first, I know your troubles started long ago but it's only been since May that you got the "big" BD. That's when you started your 180's, right? I know you mentioned quitting the chewing tobacco in May. OF COURSE she doesn't believe your 180's, it takes MUCH longer- 6+ months, before she'll even start to think they're real and not just tricks to get her back.
Second, your 180's are for YOU. They are not a strategy to get her back. You do them because you recognize they were your personal flaws and that you NEED to do them to make yourself a better person. So when she says "She claims that she understands that given time, and my demonstrations of change, that I had hope that her feelings would change", you say "I have no expectations that your feelings will change, I've made these changes because I see now that I made mistakes, and I am correcting my mistakes. I'm doing it for myself."
Originally Posted By: jp787
One thing I have decided for myself and this may not be for you, is that I want to be friends with my W right now. I do want my marriage and all of that, yet right now, that is not something that can happen. I am not ready, she is not ready and who knows if it will ever happen. Our M is over and if it was to happen again, it would be a new marriage between two new people, that are OK with themselves. So for me, I choose to be a friend to my W.
