B, the loss of your marriage is not your fault. Truly it isn't. There are things we all could have done differently, but we're not responsible for the choices our spouses made. There is no doubt that had your H showered you with adoring love you would have blossomed and in return given him the love he was seeking. He didn't let you know how he was feeling. That alone was a major contribution to the breakdown between you. And, like me, you weren't aware that the breakdown was happening. I agree with snodderly, had you known how your H felt you would have done whatever it took to save your M and family. Me too. We weren't given the opportunity. Why? Because while we have faults and shortcomings this isn't about us. It's about our H's. I've had confirmation of this several times. In between spew I've been told that I didn't deserve what happened, that I am wonderful.
B, really, truly know that you did your best at the time. Your H failed you and he failed himself. What's hurled at you is likely tied to that. Keep learning and growing. As you discover what you could of done differently please remember that you now have new information. You couldn't have applied what you have just learned. Do your very best right now with the tools you have. See yourself for who you are today.
Deleted..his problems are his...and honestly, should be shared with OW, not me.
I do find it funny though...you would think he would ask her, especially since OW used to work with him, she knows all the players over there. Why not ask her?
But you know what, he is in a relationship and when in a relationship, you share your problems with that person, not outside sources...shall I dare say that is what got him where he is in the first place.
OMG...I can so be the OW in this sitch. LOL!
For a moment I had a thought to forward the email to his OW and ask her why "her man" was asking me for advice...haha, wouldn't that be grand!!!.
So deleted goes the email, and honestly I feel good about that decision.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I'm glad you opted to delete the email. He may not realize it, but he was trying to rope you back into his drama. If he's got problems on his job, he needs to be speaking to someone over there or his HR person.
Stay positive today if you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hmmm....I am thinking it is time for a new thread....need to think of a title though!!! I'll ponder that.
Oh and BM I hear you...we are very similar in our thoughts and our sitches seem very similar although at different stages....you are way ahead of me...
Quote:
As you discover what you could of done differently please remember that you now have new information. You couldn't have applied what you have just learned. Do your very best right now with the tools you have. See yourself for who you are today.
Where is the "Like!" button? You are awesome BM! Can't fix what you don't know is broke, is what I say too! So there are learning lessons for all of us.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Sorry, I meant GM not BM...Golf Mom I was responding to your post...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
So snodderly...I couldn't just ignore it. Rejection and silence is hard...and to do that to another person even one who has treated me very badly....I just didn't have it in me.
So I opted to send a text to H that simply stated "H, I got your email. I am really sorry you are having problems at work. I hope you are okay. I know that you are a very intelligent man and will figure things out. I am always here to listen, if you would like, but advice is not something I am able to give you. Please do take care of yourself." He did respond almost immediately "Ok then. Thanks. You too take care."
High road...I want to keep that course, and being an ignorant biotch is not in me...besides, how can I ever show H my changes and that I do care somewhat with ignoring all his contact.
I do agree that he was trying to rope me in his drama...and this could have very well led to some drama about us, OR...which scared me as I am not in a state to handle that right now.
So, others may disagree, but I feel that was my way of showing loving from a distance...maybe I am wrong, but I also need to be my best self, and I feel I did that with my response.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I think you did the proper thing by emailing and acknowledgement back to him. I just wanted you to step back a little before you responded, i.e., not a knee jerk reaction at that time.
You did just fine. It was a very kind response. Nice job!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In the beginning I didn't see hope, and I wanted there to be...I know h, he doesn't do second chances at anything, so I was really looking for something I knew I would never get.
This is me giving up. I just don't have any fight left in me...all the 180's in the world couldn't help...
This is exactly how I feel. My H is very stubborn and if decides on something, he sticks with his decision most of the time. However, there were cases in the past when he changed his mind. So, I’m still here.
BRNR, you did great in your response to his e-mail. It seems that he is still emotionally attached to you.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Such a tangle, isn't it? But you know what? Now YOU choose how you will react to him. He may have chosen to leave, the idiot, but now you have control over you. I know sometimes that isn't always comforting but in moments when we need our strength the most, it will mean a lot. MLC or not, they will always have to live with their choices. I would not want that on my head. To leave my family and take on an OW and her kid? Nope.
And if he is still e-mailing you for advice, he is testing you. If he cares enough to test you, he still feels bonded to you on some level. Why would he ask your advice if he did not care for your opinion? I think your response was kind but not needy. Well done!
It is difficult to move forward, I know. Even when we think that we are, when we are in the thick of things, we are not. At least that is how I feel. Come here and we'll talk you through, B. Anytime.
B, I'm not at all that your H contacted you. I don't think he wants to push you too far away. You have been his family for a long time. OW is just someone he's trying out. MLCers do this. I agree with snodderly about pausing before you respond. You are less likely to regret what's said. Your response was genuine, kind and loving. I'm guessing that you feel better about your communication today then you did on Sunday. Keep your heart open and your head out of it. In other words, silence your ego. It's so hard to do, especially when we think we're being taken advantage of. Truly, you won't be. Continue to show your H how you expect to be treated by keeping boundaries in place. Speak firmly when you need to, but always with kindness and honesty. If you do this I believe your H will see the real you instead of focusing on any negative events. It can be so hard, especially when your heart aches. I'm still learning this too. I just know that practicing what I've said above just feels better. I hope you experience the same.
