To be honest - I'm not really sure how hot the stove is. I know I am managing my expectations. I am afraid that I am not managing them well.
When her and I talk - I feel like we deeply connect. The things she says about God and personal growth... I really struggle with emotionally attaching to her because of it. We've even started connecting about dancing and other stuff.....
... if she was a friend, I would instantly start hanging out with her. But it's a little bit more complicated than that.
In some ways - she is the person I always wanted to be married to... and that fact.. is EXTREMELY dangerous. Now we have the conversations I've always wanted. Now she looks in the mirror......
... and I don't want to WANT us to be together again.. if that makes sense. Short of just asking her if she still identifies as straight... I assume she is. Her being uncomfortable with being gay was such a big part of our problem.
And to chase a straight girl - is just plain stupid.
When I am scared... I am quiet. I don't usually speak my feelings because I am fearful of what the other person says. With her specifically, I kept my mouth shut because nothing changes.. or punishment came.. or she pulled away.
So I'm hesitant to admit my fears to her. (Not about having feelings).. but connecting deeply with her. I am fearful she will pull away. I'm also hesitant for a couple of other reasons.
- Regardless of why or how - space from each other has been good for us. The program is working for her. I don't want to make it seem bad that she is in it.
And church is working for me. We each have our foundation now. And it's good.
- I don't really want to add pressure. I'm trying to let things progress naturally.
- I'm looking for her to "work on us". Even if not on a marriage - building trust as friends requires two people. For two years - she has told me - she doesn't want to work on it... I don't know if things are different now.
I'm trying to just rest in each conversation.. and take it for what it is. To enjoy the moment and not look for anything more.
I'm trying to rest in the uncomfortable and that is hard.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
