Hello BrightFuture. H does not live with JW. H is actually staying with a relative and sleeping on the floor in a room with no windows in 90 degree heat and one little fan. Why would H choose that?? H wants to get an apt. In another town where he works and JW lives. JW lives with her alcoholic/ drug abuser husband who apparently is fine with the current situation. Neither she nor her husband work. But with things being so bad financially there is no way H can do that at least not right now. H had issues when his own kids were little so I cannot imagine him doing well with 2 little ones in diapers. But from what I understand she is one of those " mothers" and I use that term very loosely for her-- that always pawns hers kids off on someone else. I know that waiting and time are part of my life right now and massive amounts of patience. But everyone just keeps telling me get rid of him right now,this second. sigh....I can do this,I can do is. Have a good day BF.
" I know that waiting and time are part of my life right now and massive amounts of patience. But everyone just keeps telling me get rid of him right now,this second. sigh....I can do this,I can do is."
LW thanks so much for dropping by my thread to check on me. It means so much! Remember I told you sometimes I'm strong and sometimes a weeping mess -- well you just saw the mess.
Peple really do not understand why we want to preserve our marrages, especially people who care about us. I copies the following quotes off a thread written in 2011, about "doormat tactics."
They really touched my heart, as most of my friends and relatives think I'm an idiot for letting my H come home after he left me for 2 weeks to be with the Russian Tramp OW. Hope they help you too.
"In an aggressive society, many people live believing that if you do not 'stand up for yourself' that you are a doormat. However, in choosing to live your own life, be responsible for your own actions, exhibiting self control instead of going off half cocked because of some injustice or wallowing in a pit of self pity, while your MLCer lives life, you ARE standing up for yourself."
"Until the MLC starts showing positive and real signs of coming back...boundaries and consquences hurt you and what you think you want, more than they hurt them. You are pushing them and pressuring them to assuage your own desires, regarding them in a relationship role they have shown you...they currently do not want."
"Your goal is to outlast their MLC. Their confusion and their selfishness. You're not going to get them to stop, and if you try you usually hasten them along and further into their selfishness and tunnel. You demand from them, and they run away from your demands, ignore them or decide they are better off without you controlling them." Iw "You accept these bad behaviours with an eye on your prize, you came to Divorce Busting for a reason. It was to stop your divorce...it isn't called...say Affair Busting. So get used to the idea of getting used to bad behaviours."
Limbo, thanks again for dropping by my thread to give me strength and hugs when I was having such a hard time. You showed up at just the right moment, thank you!!
How was your weekend, did your H come home at all? I thought he had moved out to live with the JW. What a screwy situation - the W's husband doesn't mind his wife having a relationship with your H? And he'd rather be sleeping on the floor in a windowless room in summer than in his own home? Shows you how messed up his mind is right now. Maybe he should move in with JW and her alcoholic H -- JW sounds like the kind of mom who would appreciate a live-in babysitter!!
You sound so much stronger LW i'm proud of you! How is your appetite? I have been back on the MLC diet this weekend but expect that to pass now that my H seems to have stopped spewing for a bit. Have to look at the bright side -- I lost 3 pounds and that's never a bad thing right before summer!
Hang in there, and keep us updated on how you're doing!
Hi Linda~~ You are so welcome!! Too funny you mentioned H moving in with JW. I have been thinking about that too. I mean after all H has already done for them of course live in babysitter would be doable!! And yes JW H DOES know about my H. Boy was that a confusing statement. I am sure they are both taking full advantage of the fact H is in full idiot mode. Thank you for saying you think I sound stronger. That makes me happy. Especially since that is the last thing I feel right now. My weekend was,mmmm, odd. H came over Sunday to work on his car. I was "busy" with things. H and our son were going to go to a flea market and as they were leaving H- would you like to go walk around with us?? Whaaaat??? me??? I said sure, let me change my shirt. H said oh no you don't need too it's hot and that would be cooler for you. It was a tank top kinda thing. I NEVER wear that kind of shirt but I had bought 2 last week. So I said well it's kinda sweaty and H said again- no--just wear that one. Am I just desparately looking for something or was something there?? H never says anything at all about what I wear but I have been making a real effort to dress differently. So I leave it on, we head out and H runs into some people I don't know. I kind of wander over out of the way and he calls me back over and introduces me as his wife. It caught me off guard because yes I am but we are so not there right now. It happened again the same way later in the day. Am I so pathetic that I am grasping?? H has been in full on monster mode for months. We came back home and I fixed dinner and he said how good it was. He was leaving and I walked out to the car with him and he just kind of lingered for a bit. I came in and started cleaning the kitchen and he texted twice and then later on H called me twice and didn't really have a reason. And he was very chatty and he HATES to talk on the phone. I need to work on making my long stories short huh. He stopped by again Monday after work to work on his car again and asked if I wanted to sneak out for ice cream. Uuuuuugggghhhh....as for the appetite still MLC dieting. I have lost 11 pounds since March. Thanks for checking on me guys. It means so much. Wow you might be careful what you ask about since I wrote a few chapters. I will keep you all posted because I have no idea what is going on right now.....
H and our son were going to go to a flea market and as they were leaving H- would you like to go walk around with us?? Whaaaat??? me???
I suggest you accept 2/3 of what is offered by the MLC. For every 3 times you H asks you to do something, accept it twice. You don't want to be too needy, and you want him to see that you are moving on with your life with or without him.
Originally Posted By: Limbowife
H has been in full on monster mode for months. We came back home and I fixed dinner and he said how good it was. He was leaving and I walked out to the car with him and he just kind of lingered for a bit. I came in and started cleaning the kitchen and he texted twice and then later on H called me twice and didn't really have a reason. And he was very chatty and he HATES to talk on the phone.
Good. With my MLC wife I notice this hot/cold and distancer/pursuer relationship. It cycles. Also, my W recently told me how she was brooding that I would leave her! She's the one who was seriously contemplating it, but somehow she was worried abou me. I think you'll have to get used to this confusing behavior. Internally, your H is in turmoil and different sides shine through at different times. Don't read too much into any one behavior.
I copies the following quotes off a thread written in 2011, about "doormat tactics."
They really touched my heart, as most of my friends and relatives think I'm an idiot for letting my H come home after he left me for 2 weeks to be with the Russian Tramp OW. Hope they help you too.
"In an aggressive society, many people live believing that if you do not 'stand up for yourself' that you are a doormat. However, in choosing to live your own life, be responsible for your own actions, exhibiting self control instead of going off half cocked because of some injustice or wallowing in a pit of self pity, while your MLCer lives life, you ARE standing up for yourself."
"Until the MLC starts showing positive and real signs of coming back...boundaries and consquences hurt you and what you think you want, more than they hurt them. You are pushing them and pressuring them to assuage your own desires, regarding them in a relationship role they have shown you...they currently do not want."
"Your goal is to outlast their MLC. Their confusion and their selfishness. You're not going to get them to stop, and if you try you usually hasten them along and further into their selfishness and tunnel. You demand from them, and they run away from your demands, ignore them or decide they are better off without you controlling them." Iw "You accept these bad behaviours with an eye on your prize, you came to Divorce Busting for a reason. It was to stop your divorce...it isn't called...say Affair Busting. So get used to the idea of getting used to bad behaviours." "
Great sharing of information LindaM. A good reminder and very inspirational!!!! Thanks for taking the time to put it our there...
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Thanks for the replies. It means a lot. I like the idea of not accepting all he offers. I was just in shock that he offered AT ALL. Remember that movie Sybil?? That is kinda what he is like. I never know which H I will be dealing with. And I really really really need to work on my over thinking and over analyzing what he does,says, or thinks. I can (and have) made myself crazy doing that. I really got a lot out of reading the doormat tactics. Just like NLW told me I need to armor up because it's going to be the fight of my life.
Limbo, my H introduced me as wife to some new people when I was in our vacation home place a few months ago. It was in a bar/restaurant. I was not there with him, I showed up with my GF. He was surprised and I overheard him telling the couple he was talking to that I was his wife. That was weird, because at the same time he was trying to start a R with Mexican girl and told her that our M was long time over in his mind. I’m still not sure if my H is in MLC. If he is, it not that wild. He is not as crazy as your H, but he is still confused.
Your H is on the fence. He is trying to live in both worlds. The best thing for you is to detach as much as possible and behave “as if” you are moving on. What plans do you have for GAL?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Bright~~ My right now GAL plans are getting rid of a bunch of junk and having a yard sale to make some quick cash. Longer term ones are waiting on an answer about my claim with social security. Depending on how that turns out I will be looking for a job as soon as possible. I am trying to get yard work caught up as that was kinda our thing and he just bailed on everything so it was a mess. I just wish I knew where this thing called my life was heading. I know where I want it to go so badly. I want H to pull his head outta his butt and help me work on our M. I know I have to work on me. I just wish I could figure out what he is doing besides messing with my head. I have learned a lot about myself the last couple of months--good and bad. I know that I love him unconditionally. Thanks all for your support. I could not do this without you!!
