I have gotten a good start on my exercise commitment. I just want it to become a daily thing. The writing, too. I found out that the 60 day waiting period began when she filed. I thought it started when I was "served." I still haven't seen any paperwork, but that means it's a bit of a ticking bomb. She could have me served 20 days before the end and that would be that. Not sure if she's being crafty or clueless.
I didn't reach out to OM, but I ran into one of his best friends. I knew who he was immediately, but after a few hours I told him I was W's husband. His response was just "Oh, W. She's good people." None of the sitch came into the conversation.
This didn't last long, but last week I had a really good feeling for a while of detachment. Just like, she's a person, and I don't have to judge her decisions or actions. I just need to make my own decisions and live my own life. It didn't last, unfortunately. I am back to resentment and anger. How could she do this to me and our kids? She's just screwing up her life and ours. But I was there for a little while, and I have hope that my heart can live without her in it.
This didn't last long, but last week I had a really good feeling for a while of detachment. Just like, she's a person, and I don't have to judge her decisions or actions. I just need to make my own decisions and live my own life. It didn't last, unfortunately. I am back to resentment and anger. How could she do this to me and our kids? She's just screwing up her life and ours. But I was there for a little while, and I have hope that my heart can live without her in it.
I've been there. I was listening to a song and had this overwhelming feeling of being "okay"...just really "okay"...it came from my gut - my core. It was a few days after my last BD back in Jan'13 when things were very clearly stated as being "over" and that D was inevitable. I slipped back into depression/truly grieving the end of my M, and I journaled it so I know the date. I played that song on a loop for a couple of hours as the feeling stayed...and then it just left.
You are a prize, danielf. You have value. I know you KNOW that, but you will begin to feel it soon. You'll get there. You have made a leap so many people in this world never figure out they need to make: the realization that you need to continually better yourself, FOR YOURSELF. And that will always make you a better man than you were yesterday.
The value in that realization is ENORMOUS, and you are there! Own it!
-PM
P.S. The song I was listening to was "The Lengths" by The Black Keys. Great song if you like their style (this is on the slow/somber side of their wide spectrum). Great lyrics that apply to most of our situations. The guitar sounds like it is openly weeping.
Originally Posted By: "The Lengths"
Tell me where you're goin', What is goin' wrong, I felt you leavin', Before you'd even gone, Hold me now, Or never, ever, Hold me again, No more talk, Could take me from this, Pain I'm in, Pain I'm in,
See the moonlight shinin', On your window pane, See it leave you, As faithful as it came, Please yourself, So you don't have to, Be afraid, Make amends, Or carry on another way, Another way, Oh~oh,
Tell me what you were thinkin', To treat somebody so, The care he took, The lengths to which he'd go, The coals are hot, To walk across, Without your shoes, But in the end, Know that you've got nothing to lose, Nothin' to lose, Oh~oh, oh~oh.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
What is the benefit of my current "let her handle the D" attitude? She has filed, so the clock is ticking. I thought that the 60 days wait didn't start until I was served. I've found that that is not correct, so now I feel like I need to educate her about the process. I feel an urge to urge her to serve me and set up a mediator appointment. I feel like planning to meet her to talk, since she has been too scattered and skittish to meet with me despite several times saying she wants to. She is more ok with this limbo than I am because she feels no hesitance to continue her affair. Half of me wants to hold the attitude, "this was OUR marriage, but this is HER divorce." But I'm getting worried about how her mismanagement is going to affect me negatively. Some of this I understand I'm not having a very good attitude about. But please help me as I try to untangle the mess in my head and my sitch. Any advice?
I guess what I mean, am I just being passively aggressive by not working with her on the divorce? I've said before that she seems to feel I have a responsibility to move the legal proceedings along since I've filed the taxes and other legal stuff in our M. If I don't do anything, and if she doesn't, then the court will dismiss the case in 6 months or a year. I doubt that will happen. Probably she will do what she needs to before that happens. But I expect my inaction inspires more negative feelings from her. And I also fear that it will make the process rockier. If it's inevitable, maybe I should just make it smoother and faster. The only 'actions' I'm considering are encouraging her to serve me and sharing with her what I've learned about the process, and urging her to set up a mediator appointment.
Passive aggressive is when your words and actions dont match, such as you say you agree and will cooperate and then you "lose" documents and " forget" appointments to block her without being upfront and honest. So saying this is not what you want and responding slowly and not initiating it, isnt passive aggressive, if you dont want a divorce.
I dont care for any of your suggested actions. It isnt your place to encourage her to file. Shes a grownup doing what is her choice. She'll get it done if she wants it, without your encouragement. I'm assuming encouragement is like, go for it, you can do it! Maybe you meant something else? Telling her you are ok with it (if you are) or that you accept that its her deicision (even if you wish things were different) isnt encouraging her, as much as it is being honest and telling her your opinion or feeling, for what its worth. The difference is you staying in your own sandbox and owning what is yours to own. Her actions are hers to own.
Sharing what youve learned, does she have a lawyer? She should not be planning on relying on you for info on how to divorce you. You need to keep your own counsel on that.
Urging her to set up a mediator appointment, why? Are you in a big hurry? Are you preferri g mediation and so wanting to drive it that direction? Are you afraid of something that might happen if you dont take charge of this? What?
In my opinion, if you dont want to file, dont. Let her figure out how to do it. If you are tired of limbo and have decided you want to move the divorce forward, then go ahead and ask her about getting mediation set up, and help move things along.
One thing you should not delay is to protect yourself, if a separation agreement is needed or if you need to get legal counsel and information about what you're looking at from a legal standpoint, it is possible to want to save the marriage and still take necessary steps to reasonably protect yourself.
Heres how this has been playing out in my sitch. H wanted separation, wanted papers signed asap in august 2011. I didnt want it, wanted to work on things. Saw a lawyer to gather info, spoke with mediator also to gather info. Decided i would wait and let h act and i would respond to what he did. I also met with a financial planner who specializes in divorce situations. But then i waited. In november 2012 (yes a year and a half later) h presented me a draft sep agreement. I reviewed it thiroughly with him to fully understand his position and asked for time to respond. He knows how busy i am. He hasnt brought it up again. The money is getting more complicated so i feel we should wrap that up soon to clarify the finances, and will give him a response i think this summer, unless he indicates he wants it sooner. In my state you need a sep agreement by the time divorce is final, you can file for D before during or after the agreement is being worked on. No D filing has happened yet. H told me he wasnt in a hurry on that. Mainly he wants our finances separated. So all this is happening slowly. Twice ive met with my lawyer, twice he asked me do you want a divorce? Twice i said no. He said then let him figure out how to do it. The third time i go in i will change my answer to yes i do want a divorce. I no longer feel as strongly as before about who took action. My boys know exactly who left the marriage and i just didnt want them thinking their mom broke up their family. As time goes by those details seem a lot less important. The fact is our m is irretrievably broken and we should move on. Im ok with playing a role in that. But a year ago i wasnt. Be patient, act according to your values, act out of real love and compassion for your w and you wont go wrong.
If she's not acting as fast as youd like maybe she is conflicted. If you want to force the issue you can be certain which way that will go. Not favorable for a reconciliation. Good luck and hang in there. Hope some of this was helpful.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am NOT doing well. I have totally dropped the rope in the the R w/W. So little communication over the last half year. But I'm not nearly as detached as I thought. Still swallowing down my emotions as I always have. I've been playing hours and hours of sudoku. I got a talking to by my manager about poor performance at work (very big deal). I was fantasizing about just hitting the road if I lose my job.
