During what I'm calling my h's lull, he is experimenting ( I don't know what else to call it) maybe peeking into his life w me, and somewhat the kids. I thinks it's easier for him to be more invested w me, after all I'm the one he invested in at the top.
He's laughing, buying chocolate, calling in at work, redoing half my kitchen w perfectionism, and showering to ML at the end of the day! Ok, yea, I gave in, hell I'm a girl, we just wanna have fun, right!
It was awkward, lack of passion is the best description. His ED messes w his head and he overpowered the OTC med. For me it was familiar and safe, which always puts a girl to ease!
I'm watching Netflix seasons of Gray's Anatomy, if you've seen it you know, and I have gotten more anxiety watching the electricity between to characters than w H in a long time. There aren't any butterflies! I know if I am invested in this, give it time, it's not even a true beginning to me, maybe to him, but I am only considering my opinion for now!
For now I am watching from the sideline, even though I'm there, I'm a visitor!
How are you and h doing! Is he your best bud all of a sudden, working hard for you to pat him on the back, or selflessly? At least he mows the lawn, he's back to some sence of self and care for something that's both of yours! He is doing this stuff w you in mind, think about it, you could mow your own lawn, or he could have hired someone!
I don't know Nero! Are we receptive because we want to be, or like all this MLC time, were just DBing?
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
"Many men remain in that embittered and entitled mode ad infinitum, thus the 'crabby old man' stereotype"!
I read this and thought how this makes such good sense! I would bet this is we're my H is headed in his future!
I'm married to one of the Grumpy Old Men! Granted he's not always a sour puss, but still more than I would want to deal w! I can't imagine H in 5yrs smiling at the world!
Look Nero, I'm making lemon aid out my life! I'm good though, really having a good grip on what I'm really loosing if I leave H vs if I wait it out!
How are you?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
How are you and h doing! Is he your best bud all of a sudden, working hard for you to pat him on the back, or selflessly? At least he mows the lawn, he's back to some sence of self and care for something that's both of yours! He is doing this stuff w you in mind, think about it, you could mow your own lawn, or he could have hired someone!
does this really seem like something significant? i'd have thought it's just him salving his conscience -
i'm having trouble feeling like i exist in his world. if he wants to be gone 3 wks out of 4 - surely this is not flattering. i get it- he finds life with me awful - what the message feels like to me.
glad you're in charge at this moment- it feels good doesn't it. so, you still feel more inclined to think leaving is a better idea than "signing up" for another 40 years?
i'm glad someone out there is getting some L - may as well be you. i'll live vicariously ...
that's about it- hot & droopy- boring alone. i'm going out ofn a limb here and sayin tonite that maybe even icky is better than nothin....
gross me out- sorry to be a wah wah baby - off to go walk & burn it off -
xxoo ((())) i'm sending positive vibes out your way for ongoing improvement.
I don't know what to say Nero, no his absence is not flattering! But, I don't think he finds you awful, it's about him, don't internalize what he's doing, he's doing for himself, you don't factor into that part of his life! Hurts like hell, but this is why he's in MLC, he's doing for himself and expecting you to wait as well!
I've learned that they can do whatever they want and it really doesn't have anything to do with how they feel about us, they just buried us deep enough to not concern themselves. I think we are the safe, comfortable, home to retreat to, the light house if you will.
Only you can put a hurried end to this, he's going to take all the time HE needs, and it's up to you to decide when your done. If its on his time, ok, be strong, STAND, pray, but take care of yourself as well, like your doing! If your time comes first, ok, be prepared, take your step forward!
There is not right or wrong! I read other sites as well, you/we are so not alone! It is absolutely amazing how many this is happening to! The stories make me put my iPad down and shake my head! Nero, people just break and turn away, all the while knowing (most of them) that's it's crazy!
Honestly, reading these stories shows me just how much worse this could be! Lost homes, babies, death, drugs, aids, a lady I know her H has been homeless for 15yrs now! My uncle did this ( graduate of DePaul University) he left his home, W, kids, 26 yrs and going! My best friends H got all handsome, had an A, had a whore, decided he Ls his family, she took him back, he turned the garage into a hangout w heat/air, tv, bong, and there he stays every free minute he has!
I know we cannot compare or judge others, nor does it or should it make us feel any better, but at least we are learning by coming here, sharing and working through! Any ounce of pain is still pain, it's how are we going to deal with the fall out that matters!
I don't like when you put yourself down because of his actions! They are not a reflection of you! You coming to this site, seeking answers or, just to not be alone shows you are a fighter and a remarkable person! You are giving him someone he'd be crazy to leave! He hasn't left! Read, you will see what " being left" can really look like!
Not to take away from what you feel, or I in any way, it's just as real to our sitch!
I pray God does see and is carrying us through these hard times! That's all I got!
Nero, Sue....you have a beautiful soul, it comes through your writing, believe it!
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I was just laying in bed- not too sleepy but have to get up at 5 - and thought i'll just drop in here and see if anything is going on.
thank you for your thoughtful and kind reply. i think i'll sleep better- just "hearing" you say what you have - i feel better and i hear the reason in your voice. it's stuff i should know- i just lose my way now and then.
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I've learned that they can do whatever they want and it really doesn't have anything to do with how they feel about us, they just buried us deep enough to not concern themselves. I think we are the safe, comfortable, home to retreat to, the light house if you will.
buried is the rite word. i still find myself surprised that i am so minimized - and think i've got a huge ego to be so unwilling to accept i could be soooo nothing.
I tell myself it's about him- - then i tell myself "yeah, rite, that's what you WOULD tell yourself wouldn't you? what you want to believe" - my usual drill- devil's advocate - spent too many years around attorneys maybe?
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I pray God does see and is carrying us through these hard times! That's all I got!
what you've got is quite enough- i can't thank you enough for this pep talk at a dark moment.
I do think he'd be crazy to scrap me - and sometimes i still want to give him credit for being a better person than he currently is - - i just don't know anymore. it sounds crazy - but linda dying- him freaking out and now my mom getting really really hostile with the bad memory stuff and paranoia - some days it seems like too much exotic junk for just a regular old person in her regular old life. like everyone is just spinning out of control. . my life attitude is so ho hum - and that was always fine. i can't believe it's such a giant $hit tornado all of a sudden- some body pinch me and wake me up. see- it's that ego- like why should i be exempt from life's big junk - rite???
okay- hope your nite and you are okay- and thanks again- think I have one little glug of baileys and sleep.
xxoo ((( ))) i know you are rite about how much worse it could be - honestly - i need to do a big attitude adjustment tonite - you're so nice not to judge me when i'm being self-indulgent. thanks dawn...
Nero ~ I don't have much, but I have my heart that's telling me I'm done. I told him last night, I want out! He told me I need him to L me (insert bullet into finger gun...point to head)!
I said I want to consider moving out because I want some time, he said, ok and when you want to come back that will be fine! See if that was how this went I would let you go for a while. Yes, sick F** but I'm getting away from you to find myself a better life, you went to the gutter and freaked out.
Regardless, he's not moving away, leaving me, nor trying to commit to a reconnect, just playing at it. I'll play (go along) for the peacefulness of it all, all the while I will be seeking for myself every option available to be ready for me.
As far as you going to FL. if you love it there and you have your own family and things to do for you, hell yea go! Your roommate is providing a path for you to enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself in spite of him, your not there for him.
Just make sure you understand this is not his way of reconciling, it's just what he offers as something nice he knows you appreciate. IDK, that's just my opinion. Kinda pissy here, gonna eat something chocolate!!!
hang on.....DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
as usual, he's gone- i'm in "insulted" mode - because while i don't want to talk to him and am certainly going to try and resist picking up the phone- i'm still insulted that he hasn't called. he said he would be home- she'd be there (i asked - he blubbered- i'd say a big YES)
SOOOO - how icky is that db land??? i'm askin ya. nothing like visualinzing ow in your bed, on your couch, you get the picture. hate it.
all the mlc craziness aside - wtf world??/ how could this man even pick up the phone and chat like we're still "the same".
it's icky when he's here and i look at him and don't feel what i think i used to- it's icky when he's not and i feel lonely & lost but not exactly "in love" with him.
i keep wondering if it's mlc with him or he's just such a giagantic cheating jerk/???
i know the ghood years were real- there were a snaggle or two- now i know they were cheating- then i didn't. i honestly don't know what the heck i "have" here. if it all ws threaded with cheating and God only knows what? what did i ever have? and was any of it anything other than my delusions?????
now this must be what ex-drug addicts feel like when they realize 3every bit of their live was tinged with drug-induced - euphoria- wtf is left???
oh well- jsut wanted to moan a bit. i just can't seem to get to the point of walking out- my job isn't paying enough to support myself. it squelches my anger and desire to call- scream and say done.
my heart/head doesn't know what it wants, had, would want to have with this guy- if anything is possible ever again- the whole ball of wax. i keep mum because i don't know what i want myself.
raining- tired & STILL LIVING IN LIMBO. i guess it could be lots worse - so i'm going to go with that thought.
work was good - weekend at shore was good- didn't think about h or my life for long stretches - then remembered with a - yuck - still all there...
my hair looked okay today despite rain and humidity - kids were teerrible (in middle school) - but kind of funny and entertaining. don't know why i'm not mortified by them and my failure to have total control. they'e such little rats & continually putting on show for each other (and me i guess). some poor teacher aid called in principal because she was thinking they were so bad - i guess in light of my h and my mother- they just didn't seem so awful. some have really interesting little personalities - if you get past the profanity and jumping around allover the place.
ta da- everythng is relative - huh??? anyway - tight skirt fit- looked good, legs good - still 62 but doable- i guess tht's it for the plusses - oh yeah- sense of humour still in tact- that's huge - isn't it??? someone told me never smile - the kids smell weakness. im not afraid- but i do smile quite a bit- if one can't laugh about almost everything grim- how to get thru life ? i'm askin ya???
you are rite - we were writing at same time. wierd that we can get to same sort of "point" simultaneously for opposite reasons - you him being THERE and me for him being GONE.
MAKES you wonder doesn't it- about mwd and her book and predictability of it all. maybe we're here thinking it's all sooooo awful and dramatic and we're crashing and burning and in the universe - it's a comic strip episode. done over and over a million times allover the place- a joke if you will.
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(insert bullet into finger gun...point to head)!
DONE - PICUTre me plopping down on the floor with my tongue hanging out - arms outflung - legs up in the air and face displaying total (stupid) death.... gasp....
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Regardless, he's not moving away, leaving me, nor trying to commit to a reconnect, just playing at it.
sick & sadly - same here.
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As far as you going to FL. if you love it there and you have your own family and things to do for you, hell yea go! Your roommate is providing a path for you to enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself in spite of him, your not there for him.
PERHAPS I WILL WHEN SCHOOL CLOSES AND NO WORK to be had- thanks for perspective slant here
Just make sure you understand this is not his way of reconciling, it's just what he offers as something nice he knows you appreciate. IDK, that's just my opinion. YOU ARE RITE - I KNOW THAT !! Kinda pissy here, gonna eat something chocolate!!! VERY PISSY HERE - no appetite at all
sadly again- know you are rite. it is nothing (really) other than exactly what you say.
i'm gong to go lift some weights i put out in living room - in front of big wall mirror - so my icky arms don't look so thin and i get some muscles (?) and hopefully no droopy ness?!! forcing me to work on self even more than i'd like- just something positive to do-
i apologize for long long epistle in your thread. i was so shocked and amazed to find you saying about your "talk" and i'd just had one- it creeps me out sometimes the similar emotions.
it comforts me and it makes me want to cry for you. i sure think i'm tough don't I. i am not really- i just think i have to make myself be tough so i don't go around "folding" in life. legacy of my mother- i guess.
i don't feel so good...
xxoo((( ))) i'm hanging on - hope you are too. don't eat too much chocolate- i know, eat some raisenetts that have something good inside - then no guilt??? good luck- lets tell ourselves this is but another (small) hurdle???
are you really at the end? will YOU really leave your home? maybe it is a good strategy- one i lack guts to do- i pray nightly for "the way" "the strength" " the wisdom" - "happiness again"...
From my gut Nero I say "IF" you can go there and understand that this man is not your BF, not anything more than himself who's life your not a part of, send him off to his secrets without flinching, than go! But, can you really do that? Like you said when you had it all, how do you go backwards and be friends while watching him give what was yours to someone else!
I, would stay in NJ, and start what will be the first day of my new life! Spend summer, the best time to be out and meet people, around my own town, in my own home, so when winter hits, maybe you will be more secure than the last. It is time for reality to become our reality!
IMHO! I, we, will support you either way, we get it!
It's time he gets it too! Your not a yo-yo! IF he wants to visit NJ, let your roommate come and go about his business. I think even if this is not what's in your heart, it will show him you have moved on! He has moved on! Find Nero's path!
I would make separate bedrooms, and pick ups at the airport would be asked..not expected, you may be busy that day!
Let me know what you think!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
