Well I am back after taking a break from the boards to get some perspective. I have to say I am on a rollercoaster with S...still but I think I have seen some progress...when I did DB really hard it seem to make W miss me. When the girls came over for my birthday she gave me a warm hug and told me she missed me. She has allowed me to have the girls d(7) and d(12) for 2 weeks and she keeps them for 1 week because they have been begging her for that. While I am flattered by that it has made being a single father very hard...coming home from work getting dinner ready cleaning and putting away clothes...I feel like "flight of the bumble bee" is constantly in my head. But I want to do what is best for them. I think one of the things that really helped me is that I started seeing myself as an attractive human being again; and seeing that if this relationship does not work..I can pick up the pieces and start again...I worry about my age sometimes as I have just turned 43. Also I don't know if my girls would let me anytime soon...when I look at an attractive woman I always look to see if they are wearing a ring and my oldest daughter says "stop staring Papa" so I try hard not to look when I am with her...but still it is hard. Here is where I have screwed up: I am angry with IL's as they have never been supportive of watching the girls but now that they are older they want to see them more...or at least they say they do...when I go over to pick them up they are sitting alone working on a "project" created by IL....So when W was saying how she was depressed that kids don't call her when they are with me etc...I let her have it and I should have held back...but she just took a vacation with her band that cost her over $6000...I told her she should have vacationed with the girls...she said she would have brought them if it was later in the year...I told her that driving from Montana to New York in 3 days is not a vacation for young kids...it fell on deaf ears..but her sense of reality is skewed....I am rambling too much; I just wanted to get back on here because people here have helped me a lot in showing me that I am not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel. thanks for listening
So here is where I am in my sitch; I have followed the advice given here on DBing and they worked! Then I back slide a bit and started missing her a lot etc..and the emotions started to is hold. But when things were going well I actually found myself enjoying myself and my new freedom! And I feel guilty for this but I think it is common I actually found myself day dreaming a lot about meeting someone else and starting over it was when I was feeling like this that W started showing more interest in me...very strange how things work...
When the girls came over for my birthday she gave me a warm hug and told me she missed me.
Great baby step!
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I think one of the things that really helped me is that I started seeing myself as an attractive human being again
Good, that is a critical step in recovering from BD. BD can be a tremendous blow to self-esteem, and it's a tough road getting that back again.
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Also I don't know if my girls would let me anytime soon...when I look at an attractive woman I always look to see if they are wearing a ring and my oldest daughter says "stop staring Papa" so I try hard not to look when I am with her...but still it is hard.
LOL! My S10 and D16 are like that as well, my eyes tend to wander and the kids are right there to jump my case if they do
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So when W was saying how she was depressed that kids don't call her when they are with me etc...I let her have it and I should have held back...
Yeah, next time just keep in mind that she doesn't want you to fix her, she just wants validation. "I can see why you'd feel depressed about that, I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."
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but she just took a vacation with her band that cost her over $6000...I told her she should have vacationed with the girls...
You're right of course, but WAS's are letting their emotions run their life and you can't reason with them. Again, just validate. Really this is HER problem (depressed that the kids don't call) and SHE needs to work it out. Just give her emotional support while she navigates those waters.
I know the WAS Is emotional and it is hard not to think when is she going to get her mind back...my W is perimenopausal do In have it in me to keep going...I sometimes just don't know...W is starting to see the realities of the situation but I don't know...I have been going dark on her and when she calls I usually end it first etc..Not because it is the right thing to do, mostly it is because I don't want to talk to her. I have done the heavy lifting and I have the kids 2 weeks to her 1 week and that is ok with me but I do enjoy my downtime...
I still need to find a group to join...Maybe a cooking class..that has been the hardest coming home fixing dinner and helping with homework and doing all the cleaning. I have been telling kids they need to help out more but it has been to no avail..but I do get a lot of hugs and they tell me I am the best MAPA ever....so that helps.
I still get angry at my W about stuff and my in laws for their coldness all along...they seem to have been very supportive of the separation but not very supportive during the M...and I am just supposed to act like everything is alright. I have done this but for some reason this is getting harder not to acknowledge. Thanks AS for your support...is nice to see you are still in the game.
I thought I would post again after a long break...My sitch is now in a year, and I am starting to lose hope that something will ever happen between us. W is still in the same place when we started, sometimes I think that she just can't pull the trigger or is just waiting for me to do so. I have not dated or done anything like that. I still see her but I just don't know what her intentions are. I talked about moving away and she said well you should go down there and check it out etc..if you are planning are doing this...I said it is hard to plan when I don't know what you are planning...she said she is not planing anything...still stuck.
7720, welcome back. Agree that this is a great place to welcome, vent, ponder, get advice, etc...... Just suck$ a bit because of the topic it is related to......
Oh, how well I know the "limbo" of MLC'er not planning anything. On the one hand, it is great because I get to continue to see kids every day and demonstrate a strong, confident moving forward SF (at least most the time recently - lol!) but on the other hand easily subjected to the coldness of spouse....
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I am sorry that you are here, but this is a great place to be. My husband walked out on me in Jul 2011 and we reconciled February 2012. Things are better but not quite great. During our separation he told me that he was not returning and for me to move on with my life. It was hard for to accept. He told me to give up hope, however I didn't. That was the only thing that I had at that time. When I started to move on with my life, he came walking back. He thought being a single parent would be a piece of cake. He was now responsible for cleaning his apartment, feeding and bathing our daughter. That was something he did not do when were together. Now, he appreciates everything I do and he helps a little bit more.
My first husband once told me after we were divorce that he could not do everything such as cleaning the house, cooking and taking care of the kids by himself and I looked at him and said, you expected me to do it. He was speechless, but he knew I was right.
Your children are old enough to have some chores. Make a chore list for each of them and at the end of the week if they kept up on their chores then reward with something, such as ice cream. Develop a routine for them. They need that more than ever now. BTW, you are not that old, you still have your life ahead of you. Get out there and enjoy the world.
well one more thing...W is talking about other M as my friend so and so....still don't think she is dating but I would not know and I don't thinnk she would tell me...think it is o.k to ask?
