Keep on, keeping on!

[azguy]

. . . I was just being used as the voice of dds.

Then there's the cake eating aspect. I understand how it would be a difficult transition for H to find his role in family again, but he has reverted to old familiarity with dds, assumptions, parenting, that he hasn't earned. Dds think he's full of sh!t and he acts like father of the year. H's learned the steps in therapy he needs to do to earn trust and respect for dds but he's waiting it out, which makes it seem like it's not his priority. Which leads back to, why are we showing up at MC spending time on his parenting when he doesn't apply the lessons? And I don't care anymore. That's a plus, I'm working to not parent his parenting and I truly can let that go.

Why would you want to stay married to someone who is "using you" is "acting like father of the year" when his dd's think he's full of [censored], and is "waiting it out"? You've said you don't care anymore, after all.

Of course, I'm not encouraging you to leave H, but I worry if you take the approach above you also won't get what I think you're looking for: repairing the R in some form (that is, no D).

Are there, perhaps other reasons he might be dragging his feet or not more open to discussing the R? Can you understand what he might be thinking that would make his actions seem reasonable? Try to understand what path he is on, with some concern for his well being. Maybe it'll help with understanding what your goal should be.

MC usually starts out with high hopes and gets very quickly to disappointment with little results, from what I've read. That's not to say it's not working or isn't helpful, but the expectations that it will quickly fix things is probably a trap.

DB coach recommended last week that I restate my initial said desire to work on M (when MC asked what our goals with therapy were), to stating that I would like to keep heart open to H but I know I can't work on M on my own. And that's what I'm doing. That's where I feel I need the clarity.

Or encouragement or advice?

I like DB's advice. I think you'll need to convey a detached interest to H, to avoid him feeling defensive in any R talk. If you want to probe this a bit, I wonder whether you could ask him what fears he has were he to re-engage in a R? That's a tricky one, because you need to somehow ask it with a sense of curiosity, and not blame or corner him. If it could be part of a broader conversation about directions he wants to go, maybe it could work. You are playing with the danger that he'll feel pressured by any of this.