Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

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[Fartiltre]

Hi SIS

It seems like most in here votes against apologizes but at the same time it seems like most have done it or will do it so this is my personal opinion and nothing else!!!! You will find a lot on this subject in here.

My personal opinion is at the moment:
(After discussing it in here my opinion has changed a lot but you can read some about this topic in my thread! It will possible change again!)

You should offer an apology at some point and then leave it rest.
The apology should be short
The apology should be spoken
You need to point out concrete matters. Do not excuse your general behavior without an example or two. Be specific!
You should do it in your own words
You should do it in a calm environment when you and W are rested, children sleeps, TV is of and so on….
Do not take all the blame. Own your own faults but nothing more!
Do not say ILY or anything like that! Apologizing is per definition pursuing so keep it to a minimum!
You can find a lot of material about apologizing. WWW, books and so on! IMO if you do this then do it good! You only have one shot at this!
You should address her feelings and not only your doings!

She properly already knows that you are sorry but I think this is needed for one big reason. You need her to forgive you! First step towards forgiveness is an apology IMO.
Again: I am not a vet and this is MY opinion. I hope others will join in on your question!

FT

[shouldistillhope]

I find myself struggling a lot this morning.

Going back and forth from sadness to anger for some reason. I so badly want to text my wife and ask her why she thinks everything i have ever done has been so bad.

She told me not that long ago that i wasnt a horrible husband and not everything about our m was bad, but then during later conversations she brings up things about me that happened when we were dating 12 years ago that made her unhappy and she says that should have raised a red flag about us.

I just dont understand why she can only seem to bring up the bad things, but i guess that is part of going through this.

Just feeling a bit alone today, and thought i would try for some words of enouragement from someone.

[shouldistillhope]

^

[BKS]

I do the same thing as far as having good days and not so good days.

As far as her bringing up the bad things. I think this is what they mean when they say the S will re-write your marriages history. S will re-write it in her head so that most everything she focuses on are the bad things. I think its just a way that WAS deal with the pain and confusion they are experiencing. I a defense mechanism of sorts.

Breaking up a family doesnt make sense to the LBS but because the feelings that the WAS has are so strong, they need to build a plausible case (in their own head) to justify leaving. I think once they come out of the fog, they will see it differently IMHO.

I jog/walk almost everyday now. When I am having an especially bad day I jog longer distances. The reason I do this is because of the endorphine release (aka. runners high) you get from jogging. It is sometimes the only good feeling I get all day but, it calms me more than I have ever expected. Just a suggestion.

Remember, WAS will speak sometimes in absolute negatives. This doesnt mean what she says is true, its just what she feels at the moment. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, but is your problem. How you deal with it will make her react one way or the other. Make sure your reactions are positive.

BKS

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks BKS,

I going to try biking this week to get my mind off things.

My sitch has been a little interesting as of late.
I have been going home to our home on weekends and staying with my S7 and S4 while trying to finish the remodel while W stays at her moms.

She also took a second job on weekends cause she told me she couldnt afford things right now.

During the week i stay at my sisters house while my kids stay in our home with W.

Yesterday while she was at work i texted her asking her if she wanted me to make us dinner in the evening before i went back to my sister house.

The text as follows:

M Can i make you supper tonight?
W What are you making? Boys will be gone.
M I know, i thought you and i could eat some steak if you want.
No pressure at all, just thought it would be fun.
W I will take some steak and potatoes, but it is only friendly,
dont get the wrong impression.
M Not at all. What time do you want to eat?

So she got home from work and got the boys ready for their appt.
I had dinner done before she got home, so i ate without her and when i was done she got home and asked "are you eating without me"

I said yes, i am actually just about finished eating, but its ok. I covered yours up so it would stay warm.

We had light, friendly conversation while she ate but she seemed very distant and a bit on the short side with me.

I dont know if it was the right thing to do by offering to cook dinner for us, but it just seemed like a nice thing to do for her after she got home from working.

I waited a little bit after she got done eating and helped her clean up a bit and said "well i better get going, i will see you later."

She replied "yes, and thanks for dinner."

She acts like she is mad at me because i no longer want to get into arguments with her, but that is maybe just me mind reading.

[shouldistillhope]

Good Morning everyone,

W called my last night and asked if i could help her pay the phone bill. She said she doesnt have enough money to pay all her bills and asked if i could help her out.

Part of me wants to do what i can so she doesnt struggle, but part of is thinking that she is the one who filed for D and i should let her figure it out on her own.

I told her we could talk about it tomorrow night after our kids bible school program was over.

Any advice?

[shouldistillhope]

I also forgot to mention the significance of her asking for help paying for the phone bill.

She has admitted to our counselor when we were going and to myself numerous times that she has never asked or would ever ask anyone for help. She said that everyone told her when she got pregnant in high school that she would never make anything out of her life so she is driven to prove everyone wrong and will not ask anyone for help.

[shouldistillhope]

Just received another text from W this morning asking if i would be able to pay for her half of the rest of the remodeling on the house and our life insurance and she said she will take care of phone bill.

I texted back a couple hours later that I would be willing to sit down tomorrow night to discuss it with her . I told her i would not be able to talk about it tonight b/c i had a couple of appointments to go to.

I ended with the fact that i was willing to help her out.

Any thoughts?

[shouldistillhope]

Anyone?