Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[golf mom]

B, I understand the cycling of emotions and the angry communication, later regretted. To me, there is nothing more painful than the OW, who participated in destroying our families, spending time with our kids. It hasn't happened in my sitch yet, but when H's attorney demanded that my boys spend one overnight a week with H and OW in their new house I went through the roof.

Hurt expressed as anger is hard to live with once we calm down. A couple of months ago I had strong reaction during an email conversation. I caught myself, apologized and admitted that I'm still very hurt and expressed it as anger. I haven't regretted doing that. For all I know H laughed, but it didn't matter. I did it for me. If you can you might try doing the same, not out of fear (OMG, what have I done), but because you wish you would have handled it differently.

Have you and H talked about boundaries during visitation? If not, you need to. Have you talked to an attorney about whether you can request that OW not be around your kids? If you don't have a say in that, decide what's best for the boys and what you can live with and see if H will work with you. If you anticipate OW being with your kids you are less likely to be triggered when she is.

You are hurting, B. There are going to be times when you are triggered. You are still a wonderful, loving person. When you're ready, show who you really are.

[Portia]

Hey B,

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Your human and you are hurting. And someone hurt you. MLC or not, your H hurt you. I absolutely understand the swirling of emotions and the range from loathing and hate to missing. And never really knowing where it is that we stand.

Learn from what happened. Your kids are a trigger for you. And he knows it. That means that you are going to have to take a deep breath and count to five submarines before you react. Do not give him ammunition and give your kids the gift of a mother's strength not to put them in the middle. GM always has good advice when it comes to the kids and I defer to her knowledge.

Don't worry about coming through this quickly, B. I thought I would be fine before now as well. I am not and like all other reality. I am learning to accept that this is going to take more time than I ever thought to heal.

Sending you positive, peaceful energy

[BRNR]

Have you and H talked about boundaries during visitation? If not, you need to. Have you talked to an attorney about whether you can request that OW not be around your kids?

Yes Golf Mom - I have, and H has ignored the request...and there are no legal ramifications I can induce. I asked. So no way around it but through.

I do want to apologize, but feel H owes me one as well, for ignoring the boundry in the first place, the continual lying, and the destruction he is further causing. And since I have an "expectation" I know I am not going to get, why bother.

I am not having a good morning. I sent H a text with a thank you for sending S10 home with the little bit of meds he had stored at his place until he can get me a new script. No response from H.

I am hurt...and today, there is only one person who can take away the pain. H. I keep asking myself what did I do to H for him to treat me so badly. He is punishing me, and it hurts.

The high road is all I can think about today. Why I am taking it? There are days I feel that H needs to feel the wrath from me...he is too complacent with moving on the way he is and treating me like sh!t in the process. I can't take it, and as long as we have children involved I know it will not get any better. So, I am counting down the years until my kids are 18 and I no longer have to have daily interactions with him...

I know others will whack me with the 2x4's this morning...I can't help feeling horrible today. Again, although I know this is ill-advised I wish I could talk to H about OR and mainly just apologize to him for not being enough of a wife to him and that our lives have come to this. Is there ever a point that I can do this? I mean how do our spouses ever know that we have realized our part if we don't communicate that? Or do I just need to let it go that I f*cked up in the marriage and have lost everything because of it? I will need to do this at some point for closure, and feel this is hindering my healing...all the journaling and burning of letters hasn't helped me with this one.

My mental breakdown yesterday (or today) and pain isn't good for my soul. I feel like I want to hide under a rock and I just can't one big enough.

I had a dream last night that I got into a severe accident and was severely injured from it and nobody came to help me. I was alone and crying and then was told by the nurse that my children were with OW and H and were fine, but that H and OW were laughing and telling the docs that they were going to pull me off life support, and since H was within his rights, he could do so. I woke up in a severe panic and doubled up in pain because it hurt so much. The tears couldn't stop. I don't think that is normal and even now, the dream haunts me in a severe way.

I wish that there was something that could help us all through all this pain...pain...Such a tiny word, but so big in action.

So mentally not doing well today and I am trying my hardest to stop myself from doing something stupid. I want my H back, even if we are not married, just the true core person he always was would be satisfying...not this evil H. Today I feel the only thing that could help is the one that is hurting me. How sad...

[golf mom]

Oh, B, I truly understand. I've been right where you are. I think last night's episode may have triggered your feelings of abandonment. It scary when we lash out and the result is that we push the other person further away. It can make us feel desperate, thinking it's all our fault. B, it's not. It really isn't.

What has helped me a great deal is understanding what anger really is. Learning that it is either fear or pain has enabled me to deal with what I'm really feeling. I have been able to apologize for the anger, but I don't feel bad about the fear or pain that was behind my words. I'm honest about the true feelings and, surprisingly, I don't feel vulnerable. I have been able to look back at times I've been angry and now see what I was really feeling. I can also look at my kids, H and others and see beyond their behavior. It's so much easier to see that the actions are not personal. It's about them.

It seems that your words last night were about the pain you felt when your time with your kids was not be respected and, the greater pain, that OW was spending time with them. It was the four of them when it use to be the four of you. That is so very painful. Please see yourself for who you really are. You are a loving person who is hurting badly. Please find some compassion for yourself.

I want to encourage you to be honest with your H about your anger. Do that for you. I hope you find the relief that I felt when I was in the middle of a heated exchange with my H.

[BRNR]

So, not sure if I did the right thing tonight, but I was emotionally in a bad way all day, tears were streaming out of my eyes and could not stop and I had broken down in front of my boys. I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried knowing what a mess our lives have become...so just ranting?!?!

I had a heart to heart with the boys...about me, H, OW, and the future.

My h has apparently moved OW and OW child into his tiny one bedroom apartment, part time. Even has a car seat for OW's child....so I guess it is serious. Boys told me H seems really happy with OW. It killed me, but I am starting to think this is not just a fantasy, but a full blown relationship with all the bells and whistles. H is even caring for OW child when she is at work. I know this is me assuming, but it seems that my H is gone for good. starting his life over, bringing in mistress to take my place as the woman in his life and mother of his children.

I so wanted to beat this, prayed on it, but God doesn't seem to be on my side.

I texted H once this morning about sons meds with no response and once accidentally when I was checking in on my friend...I got no response on that either. H did call for the boys tonight, but we got in late that he they didn't get a chance to talk to him. I actually want to just tell him to stop calling unless it is an emergency. But IDK if that is the anger talking, so I am going to table that for now.

I told the boys of a possible intent to move and we started looking to see what was available that would be an affordable, suitable, home. Nothing really caught my fancy or was decently enough priced that would have me jumping, but the kids and I did have fun looking. They are okay with different, but want what we have as far as a home, and it didn't look too promising...so for now, I think I will just fight to stay where we are...

I told them my fears of losing them, and that I felt H was trying to replace me as thier mother and this was part of my sadness today...I know that was probably stupid to unload to my kids, but I was hurting...the thoughts of my kids with H, OW, and OWD living as a family has killed me inside for the past few weeks and I just crumbled.

I explained to the boys that it was okay to like OW if they wanted and that I had my own feelings, but I wouldn't think differently of them if thier feelings did not match mine. S10 seems to like her, S14 does not. Maybe it is an age thing and an understanding of the sitch, maybe not.

I guess bottom line, I wanted reality to set in for all of us that this was how things were going to be, especially since H has progressed relationship with OW and moved farther from us, his true family.

I don't know if any of this was right or wrong, but I felt it was needed to clear the air and for the boys to gain the understanding of our new reality...which I think is here for good.

The boys seemed okay, although s14 said he was tired of talking about it...I am not sure if that is because he doesn't like the sitch or if he is hurting or if he is accepted it, or if was too much too soon. S10 seems to think S14 doesn't care or like his father anymore, I am leaning more towards him keeping everything in internally.

I told them both that I was tired of talking about it too, but that I was also tired of all of us being blind-sided and wanted them to be able to feel comfortable and safe talking to me about anything and everything.

As far as what my perception of H is and what I gather is that we are done, although no further mention of starting mediation or the divorce process from him just yet. I am really tired of the way things are myself, and might be getting the ball rolling soon myself. H has ducked on money again, so rather then irritate my boss by taking time off, I will suck it up for what it is and file for support the next day I had already planned to take off...which is not for another few weeks. I also started packing some of H's things recently and storing them, but I think I will have these boxes waiting for him so he can take and get out of my hair.

At this point, I have nothing further to do, but give up on my dreams, on my marriage, and on my future as I knew it. Sad really, I didn't want to give up and wanted this to end how it started, with H. I am upset that I couldn't even hold out to my own personal timeline goals I gave myself, but I can't. The affair is too strong and has H cooking so much future stew with OW, that I am ready to throw up. Funny is that H has never saw it as an affair because he already left me and OR...OW was the catalyst not the reason, and I see this now.

I have thought a lot about what OW has that I do not, and I know we all say she is a fantasy and not the prizes we think they are, but I am starting to think that she is...after all she took my prize from me and the saying is, it takes one to know one.

GM had wrote something on her thread about not showing her H that she cherished and adored him, and honestly if I sit back, I guess I didn't show that to my H either, even though I did feel that for him. He needed to see it it and that is why I lost my husband.

I don't know why, but I really wanted to believe in this MLC stuff, and that he was broken, and at times it seemed he was, but now he is more of a WAH more than anything. I think his confusion and battles were more of what was right for his family and what was right for him. In the end, he chose what was right for him, and I think he is exactly where he wants to be...

Maybe he cared enough to lie to me thinking he was letting me down easy, now that he knows I know so much, the weight has been lifted from him to hide his double life and live free in his own skin. I know, a lot of speculation, but it is what I see and feel all the same.

So, the hope is gone, I have held on too long, and now it really is time for me to move on. I still don't know how yet or what the future holds for me, but I have to really close the door to that part of my life. Nothing motivates me anymore to fight...in fact I have just come to a place of acceptance. Acceptance that the man that I love no longer loves me and has moved on.

In the beginning I didn't see hope, and I wanted there to be...I know h, he doesn't do second chances at anything, so I was really looking for something I knew I would never get.

This is me giving up. I just don't have any fight left in me...all the 180's in the world couldn't help...especially when I feel I liked me in the first place. I think I have gained a closeness with my children out of this, and maybe that is why I fear losing them...but again, something I have no control over. All I can do now is forgive, forget as much as possible, and move forward.

All I can say is bad things really do happen to good people. I have lost a lot from this....and am losing more every day...now it is just time for me to accept it and be done.

I hear you AJ "what is next for me?" All I can give you is a Snodderly answer and say "I am sitting patiently waiting for the answers to come, but from me."

Good night everyone. Sorry to be a downer. Everyone here has helped me tremendously. And everyone here has gone through a lot worse than I have. I think I was kidding myself thinking I was strong enough to do this...you all are truly the strongest people I have met. I have a lot of growing to do myself, and one day I hope to be like the best of you here, which are truly the most amazing people I have ever interacted with....

[wishing, hoping]

(((BRNR)))

It's okay to feel the way you do. Go with those feelings. Accept them. Just because right now you feel done doesn't mean you can't change your mind later. I've heard the expression on this board "take your feelings for H and put them in a box on the shelf to go through later". You may be exhausted now. Take a break from DB. Concentrate on you and the kids. Forget about H for a while. You may change your mind. Or you may not. You get to make the choices now and that is empowering.

None of us were perfect in our marriages. But that doesn't give someone a green light to leave the family and have an affair. Marriage is a about trust, love, communication, doing the right thing. It's about working at it not walking away from it.

Hang in there. Just worry about you and the boys for now. Let H go blow in the wind, as Snodderly would say.

WH

[job]

BRNR,
I agree w/WH, it's okay to feel the way that you do right now. Allow those feelings to wash over you and let them go. Today is a new day and you will need to find a way to pick yourself up and move forward.

As for your h being happy w/this ow...yes, he is right now because it is a brand new, shiny relatiionship and it will tarnish soon enough when they are together full time. I don't buy for one minute that you've been replaced. No one can replace you. You are a wonderful and unique individual who has a loving and caring personality. Don't beat yourself up over what you should have or could have done differently. For one thing, if your h should have been talking to you over the years about how he felt and what he "thought" was missing from the marriage. I'm sure that had he spoken to you, you would have done everything in your power to change the situation...so stop beating yourself up! You are not a mind reader...none of us where. Every marriage has its ups and downs and the two people have to work together to make it work. He chose not too...you are still trying to salvage it. What does that say? Your h is a weak individual who has something missing within himself and until he fix that hole where empathy once was and accept his life as it is, nothing will change. He's running from himself, not you or the family.

You've had some serious talks w/your children. I wouldn't have any more discussions w/them about the matter for a while. If they come to you to talk, then fine...but don't raise the subject w/them again. Your one son has already said he's tired of discussing it. They are kids and they want to think about fun things and are looking forward to summer. What is going on between you and your h is very heavy and deep for them and they are trying to find a ray of sunshine to focus on. Come here to vent or talk.

I do hope today is a better day for you. You are a very strong woman and can get through this. Please don't allow his behavior to dictate how you look at life. Live your life for you and as if he's never coming back. Allow him to twirl in the wind all by himself. You are the prize and do not think otherwise.

[BRNR]

Thank you WH and GM -

I did feel through my emotions last night, and I am going to continue feeling through them and not stuff them down deep. That is what I have done in order to stand strong for my children, but the cost has been too great I feel to continue doing this...

Thank you everyone for your support and ((((HUGS))))! I miss that now more than ever. I have had no affection from friends and/or family alike, rather more of the same advice of moving on, get a man, and these things happen and are normal now a days! I will be burying myself in my emotions when I have time...I need to do that for me to get over what I have lost. Who knows why I waited so long...call me deluded I guess.

I reflect on my post last night and see how much emotion is left in me and I am glad that I have any emotions left to explore rather than be cold and dead to the world.

None of us were perfect in our marriages. But that doesn't give someone a green light to leave the family and have an affair. Marriage is a about trust, love, communication, doing the right thing. It's about working at it not walking away from it.

You are right WH. The unfortunate is that even while I truly, deep down in my heart believe this, it does leave me broken to know that what H and I had wasn't worth the effort. Something else I have to live with...and right now call me slighted, but this wound has changed my values on marriage...I am not sure that I can ever endure another one. Not to my H, and not to anyone, but I don't have that crystal ball either, so I am not closed to it, just unsure about it.

Thank you everyone for enduring my emotional state. I am no better today, but I need to work on this and hope I can release enough tears to really get past everything that has happened. As I said my goal is acceptance. Total acceptance.

[BRNR]

You've had some serious talks w/your children. I wouldn't have any more discussions w/them about the matter for a while. If they come to you to talk, then fine...but don't raise the subject w/them again. Your one son has already said he's tired of discussing it. They are kids and they want to think about fun things and are looking forward to summer. What is going on between you and your h is very heavy and deep for them and they are trying to find a ray of sunshine to focus on. Come here to vent or talk.

Yes Snodderly, totally agree! I need to give them that sunshine they are looking for. Not talking about it to them anymore...I am not beating myself up over it, but know that I did this during an emotional state, which was unfair to them. I think they will forgive me for it one day, and understand that I was coming from a place of love.

Also thank you for your kind words. It is amazing how a persons self perception is different than how others see them. Along with acceptance I think I want to work on believing and feeling how I am perceived by others...which honestly is a lot better than I feel about myself these days. I don't know why I can't see that I am amazing, but in time if I start believing, I am sure I will.

Snodderly, you are amazing too! I am not sure your age, or what you look like, or your demeanor, but when you respond to me I hear that tough love. It is a smack with the 2x4 and a hug after words...your real life friends and family are truly lucky people to have you in their life.

So, going to focus on work at the moment, and take my time truly focusing on the task at hand at any given moment. My better days are ahead of me, and I want the negative stuff gone so I can embrace it whole heartedly. I know it will take time, but that is where I am going to focus my energy.

Thank you (((Snodderly)))....for everything!

[BRNR]

I am currently telling myself...focus on me , focus on me, focus on me...ignore, ignore, ignore!!!!

Why did my H just email me from work asking for my ADVICE with problems he is having at work. Ignoring his email would be the right thing to do, but he sent it to my work email and knows that I received it as I deal with email all day.

Oh geez!!! WTF!