Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

So, not sure if I did the right thing tonight, but I was emotionally in a bad way all day, tears were streaming out of my eyes and could not stop and I had broken down in front of my boys. I couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried knowing what a mess our lives have become...so just ranting?!?!

I had a heart to heart with the boys...about me, H, OW, and the future.

My h has apparently moved OW and OW child into his tiny one bedroom apartment, part time. Even has a car seat for OW's child....so I guess it is serious. Boys told me H seems really happy with OW. It killed me, but I am starting to think this is not just a fantasy, but a full blown relationship with all the bells and whistles. H is even caring for OW child when she is at work. I know this is me assuming, but it seems that my H is gone for good. starting his life over, bringing in mistress to take my place as the woman in his life and mother of his children.

I so wanted to beat this, prayed on it, but God doesn't seem to be on my side.

I texted H once this morning about sons meds with no response and once accidentally when I was checking in on my friend...I got no response on that either. H did call for the boys tonight, but we got in late that he they didn't get a chance to talk to him. I actually want to just tell him to stop calling unless it is an emergency. But IDK if that is the anger talking, so I am going to table that for now.

I told the boys of a possible intent to move and we started looking to see what was available that would be an affordable, suitable, home. Nothing really caught my fancy or was decently enough priced that would have me jumping, but the kids and I did have fun looking. They are okay with different, but want what we have as far as a home, and it didn't look too promising...so for now, I think I will just fight to stay where we are...

I told them my fears of losing them, and that I felt H was trying to replace me as thier mother and this was part of my sadness today...I know that was probably stupid to unload to my kids, but I was hurting...the thoughts of my kids with H, OW, and OWD living as a family has killed me inside for the past few weeks and I just crumbled.

I explained to the boys that it was okay to like OW if they wanted and that I had my own feelings, but I wouldn't think differently of them if thier feelings did not match mine. S10 seems to like her, S14 does not. Maybe it is an age thing and an understanding of the sitch, maybe not.

I guess bottom line, I wanted reality to set in for all of us that this was how things were going to be, especially since H has progressed relationship with OW and moved farther from us, his true family.

I don't know if any of this was right or wrong, but I felt it was needed to clear the air and for the boys to gain the understanding of our new reality...which I think is here for good.

The boys seemed okay, although s14 said he was tired of talking about it...I am not sure if that is because he doesn't like the sitch or if he is hurting or if he is accepted it, or if was too much too soon. S10 seems to think S14 doesn't care or like his father anymore, I am leaning more towards him keeping everything in internally.

I told them both that I was tired of talking about it too, but that I was also tired of all of us being blind-sided and wanted them to be able to feel comfortable and safe talking to me about anything and everything.

As far as what my perception of H is and what I gather is that we are done, although no further mention of starting mediation or the divorce process from him just yet. I am really tired of the way things are myself, and might be getting the ball rolling soon myself. H has ducked on money again, so rather then irritate my boss by taking time off, I will suck it up for what it is and file for support the next day I had already planned to take off...which is not for another few weeks. I also started packing some of H's things recently and storing them, but I think I will have these boxes waiting for him so he can take and get out of my hair.

At this point, I have nothing further to do, but give up on my dreams, on my marriage, and on my future as I knew it. Sad really, I didn't want to give up and wanted this to end how it started, with H. I am upset that I couldn't even hold out to my own personal timeline goals I gave myself, but I can't. The affair is too strong and has H cooking so much future stew with OW, that I am ready to throw up. Funny is that H has never saw it as an affair because he already left me and OR...OW was the catalyst not the reason, and I see this now.

I have thought a lot about what OW has that I do not, and I know we all say she is a fantasy and not the prizes we think they are, but I am starting to think that she is...after all she took my prize from me and the saying is, it takes one to know one.

GM had wrote something on her thread about not showing her H that she cherished and adored him, and honestly if I sit back, I guess I didn't show that to my H either, even though I did feel that for him. He needed to see it it and that is why I lost my husband.

I don't know why, but I really wanted to believe in this MLC stuff, and that he was broken, and at times it seemed he was, but now he is more of a WAH more than anything. I think his confusion and battles were more of what was right for his family and what was right for him. In the end, he chose what was right for him, and I think he is exactly where he wants to be...

Maybe he cared enough to lie to me thinking he was letting me down easy, now that he knows I know so much, the weight has been lifted from him to hide his double life and live free in his own skin. I know, a lot of speculation, but it is what I see and feel all the same.

So, the hope is gone, I have held on too long, and now it really is time for me to move on. I still don't know how yet or what the future holds for me, but I have to really close the door to that part of my life. Nothing motivates me anymore to fight...in fact I have just come to a place of acceptance. Acceptance that the man that I love no longer loves me and has moved on.

In the beginning I didn't see hope, and I wanted there to be...I know h, he doesn't do second chances at anything, so I was really looking for something I knew I would never get.

This is me giving up. I just don't have any fight left in me...all the 180's in the world couldn't help...especially when I feel I liked me in the first place. I think I have gained a closeness with my children out of this, and maybe that is why I fear losing them...but again, something I have no control over. All I can do now is forgive, forget as much as possible, and move forward.

All I can say is bad things really do happen to good people. I have lost a lot from this....and am losing more every day...now it is just time for me to accept it and be done.

I hear you AJ "what is next for me?" All I can give you is a Snodderly answer and say "I am sitting patiently waiting for the answers to come, but from me."

Good night everyone. Sorry to be a downer. Everyone here has helped me tremendously. And everyone here has gone through a lot worse than I have. I think I was kidding myself thinking I was strong enough to do this...you all are truly the strongest people I have met. I have a lot of growing to do myself, and one day I hope to be like the best of you here, which are truly the most amazing people I have ever interacted with....