Hi Kaffe, I understand the perspective, but to me, it's not S14 who has made this funeral about OW, it's XH.
And S14 is not trying to punish his father by not going to the funeral if she is there. It's a matter of trying to save himself more trauma.
He knows this woman as our family friend. As someone who went behind our backs to carry on a wrong relationship with a married man who had children. As someone who preyed on XH when he was so vulnerable - due to financial crisis that became public in a most humiliating way for our family.
She is not just someone XH met after being separated and divorced for a long time.
Their behaviour is not right; not moral. And for her to turn up now to the funeral of family member of ours whom she did not even know - what sort of person does that? To what end? To stake a claim?
The clinical literature says that damaged daughters of philandering fathers (OW) need to make their new partners sacrifice their original families - as a sign of devotion and commitment. These women are so damaged by their own fathers that they need a level of public sacrifice to reassure them that they are worthy and that the new man is really committed to them ("Look what he was willing to give up for me!").
OW is making XH sacrifice his own son's attendance at his great-grandfather's funeral so that she can go with XH.
And yes, I expect the kids will have the rest of their lives to blame their father for them not attending. Among other things.
To me, this behaviour is tasteless and cruel. I just don't understand how people can act like this.
I can accept it and withdraw. My kids don't have the ability to do that.
