I still like blue, what else?

[albamarie]

Here's what I think I did Sat night when H was patiently listening to me talk. I think I may have unconsciously sabotaged the good standing I was having w H. Lets see if this makes any sense: the last few weeks H has been nice, forthcoming, sharing, attentive, physical, aware, and sensitive to my needs. To me, it was becoming a little nauseating, and at one point when he left for work I was happy he was gone, and not to thrilled when he had returned.

I was reaching a point were it felt as if he was getting too happy, at one point he said I’m happy right now, and I believe I was getting resentful. Resentful, because I felt like a science experiment, like he was trying me, and my family, and our home on for size.

All the while he was still talking to crazy EA and trying to make plans to take on her eviction problems by almost signing for an new apt for her. Luckily he didn’t, but he did try to take on getting her a truck and moving her stuff to storage, and luckily that all didn’t happen either.

My point is he’s enjoying getting close to me, his dep was at bay, and he was making plans again for the house, while all the time I was feeling like there is no verbal commitment here, so wtf?

He can’t just try his life to see if it fits again and not put forth the effort to heal the wounds he created. Can he? Is this how it starts and that comes later? Or, should he be somewhat trying on accountability as much as he’s trying on the comforts of home.

It felt like he was accepting status quo, “I acted the way I did, so what, now I’m calm and you “need” my love anyway, so pass the ice cream and what movies playing.

When I spoke to him Sat, his calmness was unnerving, damit I’m not going to be just taken off a shelf and lets start were we left off. I told him what I want out of life now and he said, I don’t know if I can give you that, but then he said nothing changed as far as what we had, and our path in life.

Ha! MF! It’s all changed and your dragging a ball and chain w you that you expect me to ignore. I told him I had been thinking about if we were S and how I would move on. He said you don’t want to put another man in your life, why would you? I said that is exactly what “you’’ did and he was shocked to look at it like that, he said, oh, I guess I see your point.

He said you still have your life and future as it was, meaning he’s not leaving.

Sun thru today he has been in a complete backslide, deep dep, not eating, over eating, sleeping on the couch, gone, just gone. He said his spirit left him because he couldn’t help EA even get her stuff out, he’s a big failure here because he’s still not done w the kitchen, work, blah blah.

He said I am the only one who has the ability to drive out his evil spirit that gives him drive and leave him as he is now, I said it’s called dep, not an evil spirit that comes and goes. I said are you blaming me for your dep, he said it’s not you, your not doing or saying anything wrong, it’s when you make me face myself w your words of truth. How can I make you not speak the truth!

I tried to say we could work together on how he looks at his failures and his approach to life’s up and down’s, but all he says is he doesn’t want me in his darkness.

Should I have left him to his fun times or did he need to understand some of my reservations, some of my boundaries, regardless of how “he” chooses to take it. I was just getting a little too smothered here. It didn’t help that he gave EA his backstage credentials and got caught w his name attached the same night he’s trying to tell me life is the same.

This backslide of his, is this normal, he’ll bounce back again, is this part of the whole process?