A plan of action...vet advice needed

[MrBond]

I agree with AS. It's amazing how many of them feel "trapped" even after they're long gone.

[SFC_Swede]

Appreciate it. Just not sure how to move forward. I have a scheduled meeting with my T wednesday, who has been supportive.

Too be honest, my initial dread and hurt has transformed into apathy. After all the 180s, space, and DBing nothing seems to change, and even her manufacturing excuses is getting a little long in the tooth. I feel like I may just be ready to completely let go and walk away.

[SFC_Swede]

We had a conversation today about the R. W reiterated that she has lost all hope, trust, or feelings about the M. That no matter what I do, that she can never get back what she has lost. She claims that she understands that given time, and my demonstrations of change, that I had hope that her feelings would change. But...due to the past, that even if I did change...that even months later, she wouldnt be able to trust them.

At this point, she just wants me gone and to "move on". W did file the D paperwork today, and I am just waiting to be served.

I know everyone says to be patient and continue to 180, detach, and self improve...but I am seriously starting to think that no amount of DB will save the M. Theres just too much damage from the past.

[SFC_Swede]

Shameless bump

[jp787]

We had a conversation today about the R. W reiterated that she has lost all hope, trust, or feelings about the M. That no matter what I do, that she can never get back what she has lost. She claims that she understands that given time, and my demonstrations of change, that I had hope that her feelings would change. But...due to the past, that even if I did change...that even months later, she wouldnt be able to trust them.

At this point, she just wants me gone and to "move on". W did file the D paperwork today, and I am just waiting to be served.

I know everyone says to be patient and continue to 180, detach, and self improve...but I am seriously starting to think that no amount of DB will save the M. Theres just too much damage from the past.

Remember that your number one goal needs to be to make you happy and healthy. Once you accomplish this, then you will be ready for a relationship.

One thing I have decided for myself and this may not be for you, is that I want to be friends with my W right now. I do want my marriage and all of that, yet right now, that is not something that can happen. I am not ready, she is not ready and who knows if it will ever happen. Our M is over and if it was to happen again, it would be a new marriage between two new people, that are OK with themselves. So for me, I choose to be a friend to my W.

I guess what I am trying to say is you need to focus on you some how. Figure out what you can handle with your W, put that in place, set your boundaries and then make the shift in your head to focus on you and who you want to be.

I know it is hard, trust me

I am still working on setting my boundaries. I still fall into wanting to feel good and be with my W. I know that for me to get through this and become a healthy person, I need to work on me and only me.

If you don't figure out you, you wont find true happiness. I now believe that.

Set your compass and walk away from it. You will veer off course daily, hourly, but if you work at it, you will keep your direction and it will become stronger as you go.

Figure out your plan of action. Write it down. Keep a copy of it with you always and refer to it often.

You can do this.

[AnotherStander]

We had a conversation today about the R. W reiterated that she has lost all hope, trust, or feelings about the M. That no matter what I do, that she can never get back what she has lost. She claims that she understands that given time, and my demonstrations of change, that I had hope that her feelings would change. But...due to the past, that even if I did change...that even months later, she wouldnt be able to trust them.

A couple of things, first, I know your troubles started long ago but it's only been since May that you got the "big" BD. That's when you started your 180's, right? I know you mentioned quitting the chewing tobacco in May. OF COURSE she doesn't believe your 180's, it takes MUCH longer- 6+ months, before she'll even start to think they're real and not just tricks to get her back.

Second, your 180's are for YOU. They are not a strategy to get her back. You do them because you recognize they were your personal flaws and that you NEED to do them to make yourself a better person. So when she says "She claims that she understands that given time, and my demonstrations of change, that I had hope that her feelings would change", you say "I have no expectations that your feelings will change, I've made these changes because I see now that I made mistakes, and I am correcting my mistakes. I'm doing it for myself."

One thing I have decided for myself and this may not be for you, is that I want to be friends with my W right now. I do want my marriage and all of that, yet right now, that is not something that can happen. I am not ready, she is not ready and who knows if it will ever happen. Our M is over and if it was to happen again, it would be a new marriage between two new people, that are OK with themselves. So for me, I choose to be a friend to my W.

^^^That's some awesome stuff JP, well done

[sandi2]

but I am seriously starting to think that no amount of DB will save the M. Theres just too much damage from the past.

It's not that DBing doesn't work, but how the LBH applies it to his stitch. You still have your focus on her, instead of you. You are dancing to her song!

I have heard of some crazy excuses given to LBH's, but leaving b/c of tobacco use? Pllllease!!

Will you listen to me? She is putting your faults in the spotlight so that you don't see the real reason she's wanting out of the M. Why doesn't she just come out and tell you? B/c this way, she comes away with all the blame on you. You're the bad guy. She can't trust you? Yet, she's been the one to have A's.

She really has you right where she wants you. I am predicting that the next thing is you'll offer to be nothing more but her best friend (hoping to pull her back in), and being just friends is exactly what she wants. It's not what you truly want, b/c you want her to be much more. So when the LBH agrees to the "just friends" zone, it causes a lot of frustration on him when she doesn't come around to his expectations.

It's time to really make up your mind to show her what it would look like to not have you in her life. What do you have to loose?

Detach, get your focus on you, and GAL. This is the biggest part of DBing, and if you don't apply that biggest part....then how can you say that no amount DBing will work?

[MrBond]

sandi is right. And besides, you're still pretty early in the DB process. That's why things haven't worked their way out yet.

[SemperFi00]

One thing I have decided for myself and this may not be for you, is that I want to be friends with my W right now. I do want my marriage and all of that, yet right now, that is not something that can happen. I am not ready, she is not ready and who knows if it will ever happen. Our M is over and if it was to happen again, it would be a new marriage between two new people, that are OK with themselves. So for me, I choose to be a friend to my W.

JP, curious on what you went through to get to this point and how you arrived there. I go back and forth b/w being ok w/the friendship thing and wanting the entire M relationship. I certainly understand that it's needs to be different/new given the growth and what has occurred..

Becoming more @peace w/being by myself. Struggling at times w/how to deal w/the friendship part....

Thanks for any additional thoughts or insight

[SFC_Swede]

All of you on here are the best people on the planet. I probably would have gOne even further down the PTSD rabbit hole without you. Having TBI and a faulty short term memory also sends me in waves.

All that said, I just got served and am heart broken