as usual, he's gone- i'm in "insulted" mode - because while i don't want to talk to him and am certainly going to try and resist picking up the phone- i'm still insulted that he hasn't called. he said he would be home- she'd be there (i asked - he blubbered- i'd say a big YES)
SOOOO - how icky is that db land??? i'm askin ya. nothing like visualinzing ow in your bed, on your couch, you get the picture. hate it.
all the mlc craziness aside - wtf world??/ how could this man even pick up the phone and chat like we're still "the same".
it's icky when he's here and i look at him and don't feel what i think i used to- it's icky when he's not and i feel lonely & lost but not exactly "in love" with him.
i keep wondering if it's mlc with him or he's just such a giagantic cheating jerk/???
i know the ghood years were real- there were a snaggle or two- now i know they were cheating- then i didn't. i honestly don't know what the heck i "have" here. if it all ws threaded with cheating and God only knows what? what did i ever have? and was any of it anything other than my delusions?????
now this must be what ex-drug addicts feel like when they realize 3every bit of their live was tinged with drug-induced - euphoria- wtf is left???
oh well- jsut wanted to moan a bit. i just can't seem to get to the point of walking out- my job isn't paying enough to support myself. it squelches my anger and desire to call- scream and say done.
my heart/head doesn't know what it wants, had, would want to have with this guy- if anything is possible ever again- the whole ball of wax. i keep mum because i don't know what i want myself.
raining- tired & STILL LIVING IN LIMBO. i guess it could be lots worse - so i'm going to go with that thought.
work was good - weekend at shore was good- didn't think about h or my life for long stretches - then remembered with a - yuck - still all there...
my hair looked okay today despite rain and humidity - kids were teerrible (in middle school) - but kind of funny and entertaining. don't know why i'm not mortified by them and my failure to have total control. they'e such little rats & continually putting on show for each other (and me i guess). some poor teacher aid called in principal because she was thinking they were so bad - i guess in light of my h and my mother- they just didn't seem so awful. some have really interesting little personalities - if you get past the profanity and jumping around allover the place.
ta da- everythng is relative - huh??? anyway - tight skirt fit- looked good, legs good - still 62 but doable- i guess tht's it for the plusses - oh yeah- sense of humour still in tact- that's huge - isn't it??? someone told me never smile - the kids smell weakness. im not afraid- but i do smile quite a bit- if one can't laugh about almost everything grim- how to get thru life ? i'm askin ya???
