First off...tornado hit my neighborhood friday night. Yep. A tornado. We are fine. Our home is fine. We missed being in it's path driving by 2 minutes. Pulled up to the house and ran into the basement. Scariest sounds I've ever heard. Our little culdesac was spared much damage. Few trees uprooted, and electric out for a few days. After spending the weekend helping neighbors and surveying the damage, it's a miracle no one was killed. Unbelievable that OK was hit so bad again.
I have wonderful neighbors. Our little circle is amazing and helpful always. My one neighbor brings me ice cream everyweek. "You're preggo, T. You run too much. Eat some DQ!" Ha. We watch each others kids, and homes when we are all out of town. Yo9u get the picture. But to witness the community rally together and be unselfish during such tragedy filled my heart with such hopefullness. As we were dragging trees to the street (S4 and D2 included), a young man walks up and just started to help. No "I'm here, what can I do." He just did it. Large groups of highschool students and teachers were out, just helping. The local grocery store had hot dogs and water for customers.
My H has always been a very helpful, unselfish guy. Over the past 6 months I wondered if he did it just as a show, since learning of his infidelities I was just questioning everything. I'm on guard with him. What is real? What is fake. So I've been watching. He was suppose to move his stuff in this weekend, but spent all day saturday helping people. Helping me with the kids. Being an example of service, like we had always talked about showing our kids. Got generators from work so all our neighbors could put food in our freezers and fridge. He was up late last night getting things moved in.
Day by day. I'm watching. Yesterday, I had 11 years sober. I pretty much forgot. Honestly, it's just another day and lately I just focus on each moment and try to live in it. Friday, with all 4 (5th one kicking up a blue streak) piled in our bed, I just enjoyed the moment. I don't need to define it. I'm not desperate to save anything anymore. My mind does drift to "It will never work, you will never trust him!!! Don't even think about it." Maybe I won't. Maybe I will. Who knows. But I have no desired outcome in my mind.
Really, for the first time in my life I have no idea what I want, so I don't have to act anyway but how I feel in the moment. I feel free. No expectations. My stomach gets a little tied up when I think about telling my family or some friends that he is back in the house, but really...who cares what they think. And what is there to say? Today, he is there. Who knows, tomorrow another tornado may whisk me away.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
