Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

Have you and H talked about boundaries during visitation? If not, you need to. Have you talked to an attorney about whether you can request that OW not be around your kids?

Yes Golf Mom - I have, and H has ignored the request...and there are no legal ramifications I can induce. I asked. So no way around it but through.

I do want to apologize, but feel H owes me one as well, for ignoring the boundry in the first place, the continual lying, and the destruction he is further causing. And since I have an "expectation" I know I am not going to get, why bother.

I am not having a good morning. I sent H a text with a thank you for sending S10 home with the little bit of meds he had stored at his place until he can get me a new script. No response from H.

I am hurt...and today, there is only one person who can take away the pain. H. I keep asking myself what did I do to H for him to treat me so badly. He is punishing me, and it hurts.

The high road is all I can think about today. Why I am taking it? There are days I feel that H needs to feel the wrath from me...he is too complacent with moving on the way he is and treating me like sh!t in the process. I can't take it, and as long as we have children involved I know it will not get any better. So, I am counting down the years until my kids are 18 and I no longer have to have daily interactions with him...

I know others will whack me with the 2x4's this morning...I can't help feeling horrible today. Again, although I know this is ill-advised I wish I could talk to H about OR and mainly just apologize to him for not being enough of a wife to him and that our lives have come to this. Is there ever a point that I can do this? I mean how do our spouses ever know that we have realized our part if we don't communicate that? Or do I just need to let it go that I f*cked up in the marriage and have lost everything because of it? I will need to do this at some point for closure, and feel this is hindering my healing...all the journaling and burning of letters hasn't helped me with this one.

My mental breakdown yesterday (or today) and pain isn't good for my soul. I feel like I want to hide under a rock and I just can't one big enough.

I had a dream last night that I got into a severe accident and was severely injured from it and nobody came to help me. I was alone and crying and then was told by the nurse that my children were with OW and H and were fine, but that H and OW were laughing and telling the docs that they were going to pull me off life support, and since H was within his rights, he could do so. I woke up in a severe panic and doubled up in pain because it hurt so much. The tears couldn't stop. I don't think that is normal and even now, the dream haunts me in a severe way.

I wish that there was something that could help us all through all this pain...pain...Such a tiny word, but so big in action.

So mentally not doing well today and I am trying my hardest to stop myself from doing something stupid. I want my H back, even if we are not married, just the true core person he always was would be satisfying...not this evil H. Today I feel the only thing that could help is the one that is hurting me. How sad...