I visited my MIL yesterday, today is her 87th birthday and I knew I wouldn't be able to see her today.
She still lives alone but does have memory issues, tells the same stories, forgets recent events but she can carry on a pretty good conversation unless pressed for facts or dates. She has a "man friend" who lives just a few doors from her, he was out of town so I didn't get to meet him. She's a bit of a giddy school girl and I am so happy for her. She kept telling me how well he took care of her, with a grin and a gleam in her eye.
She was the caretaker and waited on FIL hand and foot, the quintessential 60s mom.
When we visit there is always the elephant in the room and eventually it gets called out. She said to me, "I'm so sorry you two couldn't work things out." I agreed and said yes it took 2 of us to break it. Then she went on to say how she and FIL never argued, quarreled, or even said a cross word to each other, he always took such good care of her and she was just so happy.
I looked at her and said "yes, you were very lucky but how did you never get mad at him? I don't know of any R where there isn't some anger." Her answer, "We just didn't."
I've always known this and she brings is up every time I see her. Explains my H's conflict avoidance. But what she doesn't say is FIL treated her like a child, she made no decisions, she had no say in the big stuff, she could do anything she wanted as long as she had 3 meals on the table and the house was clean. FIL never did an iota of "housework", he came home from work and put his feet up, with the newspaper in front of his face. She would bring him a snack in the evening and he would leave the plate sitting by his chair even if he walked right through the kitchen.
I believe she was happy and felt well provided for but I have never seen her look as happy as when she was telling me about "new guy" going out and getting her ant spray because she had some ants in her kitchen. The ants would have completely hers to deal with when FIL was alive. I think now she feels cared for.
Just some rambling about the lives we live.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
