Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

Thanks AJ. I am just really tired of my waivering emotions...miss him, hate him, want him back, kill him, be kind to him, empathy, anger, frustration, love him, etc...

I really wish my mind and heart could stick to one and go with it...why can't I do that?

So dwelling on a lot tonight knowing I may have pushed H to do something vindictive. And no, I a m not surprised by his actions tonight or what comes "next".

I constantly think about filing for the divorce myself, but know that wont solve anything for emotionally, which is why I refuse to do so.

Respect...hah. h doesn't know what that means and keeps stabbing me innthe back every chance he gets. I am starting to think that he is not MLC and I am just giving him an excuse of why everything is happening. Is that normal? Who knows, I just know that there are more times then not that H seems really intent on what he does, and very little times with the confusion. I just wonder if I am wrong in all this by applying a label to the situation and not really just living with the reality of my h cheated on me and is moving on with his life. Is that stupid of me or what?

So having a down night to which was a very peaceful, relaxing weekend. I feel I added another nail to my coffin and I am getting tired of putting in the work. I wish I knew what my next step was. 6 months out and I feel like I should be further along in my emotions, detachment, and line of thinking...yes AJ I do care, that is why I am crying right now, because my actions were horrid tonight and I am regretting it.