To be honest, I have plenty of days where I feel less than remarkable. I feel lost. Confused. Sad. Angry. And just plain old beat down.
I think it would be a strain for everyone if you were remarkable every minute of every day!! LOL
You are really a great person, and imho living with the MLCer is the hardest thing that there is to do. i had a real run hard and fast, and although I missed him, and used to envy (not nice!) those whose spouses 'cared' enough to stay, now see that it is the tougher option.
Dealing with MLC is horrible. One way or another it is a sickness of the soul, I believe. I do not subscribe to the view that people simply change. real change is gradual, sustainable, and tries to avoid hurting others.
MLCers are totally selfish, self absorbed and often cruel. They rip apart the lives of those they undertook to love and cherish, and feel entitled to do so. Most normal people embarking on a course of action that they know will hurt others try and be kind. These people do not make that normal effort that we have a right to expect. They blame us and so on.
How can a person who has invested their whole life, emotional, financial and practical, in a marriage expect to feel good about the 'choices' of their life partner?
It tears us apart, and we have to put ourselves back together, and defend ourselves, emotionally and financially from everything that the MLCer decides to do. Society does not understand this, at best, and at worst trots out 'people do not have to stay in a bad marriage'
We hold emotion in our bodies, and I am not surprised you experienced waves of emotion when doing yoga, so did I.
Curiously when recently I got below my MLC weight (decided to be thin rather than simply average!), i also experienced a lot of emotional problems, as i shed a few pounds, I seemed to deal with emotions I thought I had buried at the time of the crisis.
Many years on, I still have bad days, but they pass. Life is good, and I know that overall I am very blessed. I have learned to embrace what has happened, but unlike some, I will never be pleased it happened! it has hurt too many other good people and my xh has damaged the lives of almost everyone he has come into contact with over teh past seven years.
Bea, I really appreciate what you wrote - it was insightful and heartfelt. I hate that MLC is so incredibly destructive, damaging lives and changing people forever.
It is a sickness of the soul. A complete mental and emotional personality meltdown.
It has been interesting and eye opening reading all the various scenarios around here. Seems like there are definitely degrees of severity - from cruelty, to selfishness, to strangeness, to how fast and far they run.
It is extremely difficult living with my H, and there have been many days where I wish he wasn't here. But when I read so many stories here about the disconnect from their children, I am very thankful that he is here being a father to our children. At least that is something.
Doesn't mean I will accept living the rest of my life in this current situation, his time and attention given to OW.
I often wonder too, how I could ever feel "happy" or "grateful" that this happened. Not far enough along on the journey yet...
I have spoken to my yoga instructor friend in the past about becoming emotional during yoga. This is not unheard of. I believe she said that we carry emotions around in our body, and certain poses (such as hip openers like half pigeon) release these emotions from us. For me, it feels good to release them. I feel lighter afterwards.
I always read your posts, and find it amazing, if not disturbing, that your xh still seems to be so lost after seven years. Though he does seem to be possibly waking up gradually? He's almost like an MLC Rumpelstiltskin, asleep in his fog for many years. How must it be to wake up from that???
Dear UW~
I guess I am still mourning what is lost. Does that ever really stop?
It is sad that although not perfect, my H had a really good life. He had so much to be thankful for. And he has gone and torn it to shreds.
That level of self-destruction is sad to see and even tougher to live with. It may be all about them, but it profoundly affects us and our children.
Thanks, as always, for your kind and caring words. You've given me a lot to think about (that's us, the thinkers!)
Going out to breakfast with boys now.
Have a great Sunday everyone
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I hate that MLC is so incredibly destructive, damaging lives and changing people forever.
Yes, it does. No matter what the outcome, we, they are never the same.
It is a sickness of the soul. A complete mental and emotional personality meltdown.
And it is with that thought ^^^^ that I was able to have compassion for my xh. But that does not take away that his actions were his to own. And they were devastating -emotionally and financially.
Doesn't mean I will accept living the rest of my life in this current situation, his time and attention given to OW.
Nope, nor should you.
I often wonder too, how I could ever feel "happy" or "grateful" that this happened. Not far enough along on the journey yet...
I do not feel happy that this happened, T. Not at all. It was horrific, really. It will affect my life and my son's life and probably my son's children one day, forever. I am grateful, though, for the journey. First and mostly because I trust in Him. I believe this was to be part of my story. And I have grown in ways I dont think would have been possible otherwise. As I said, do I wish this could have happened another way? Absolutely. But it didnt. And so, I have to accept that this what was what supposed to happen. Because if I dont, then I would be forever angry and bitter. That is not what I want for me.
I always read your posts, and find it amazing, if not disturbing, that your xh still seems to be so lost after seven years. Though he does seem to be possibly waking up gradually? He's almost like an MLC Rumpelstiltskin, asleep in his fog for many years. How must it be to wake up from that???
My xh is also seeming to come out of the tunnel bit by bit. T, I cannot imagine what it must be like when they do come out, seeing the destruction and loss. It would bring me to my knees. And to see my xh no happier, is such a shame.
I guess I am still mourning what is lost. Does that ever really stop?
I dont know if it ever really stops, T. Not when you love the way we do. I still get sad from time to time, thinking about what was, what could have been. It does get easier though and less searing.
It is sad that although not perfect, my H had a really good life. He had so much to be thankful for. And he has gone and torn it to shreds.
It is very sad.
That level of self-destruction is sad to see and even tougher to live with. It may be all about them, but it profoundly affects us and our children.
Yes, it does. My son is still lost, still trying to find his way. He said to me just the other day, "One day I had a family, the next day I didnt. It's not like you guys were arguing all the time. Everything seemed fine. How will I ever feel safe? Nothing is as it seems. The bottom can drop out at any time." I know he is staying in a relationship that is not good for him because he will not let anyone feel abandoned. And it still affects me, too, in many ways. But I cannot change what happened. And so, there is no choice but to accept it.
Thank you for your honesty UW. I appreciate that you keep it real. This affects us, not just for one year or two years or five years, but forever.
I can relate to your son in how he is feeling. I felt like I had a M, then one day I didn't. Again, I believed it would be FOREVER. My mistake was that I took that R for granted, one of my lessons learned. Still... How to ever learn to trust and feel safe again? I was betrayed by my H and close friend. I have questioned how I see people, my willingness to give trust. Still trying to figure out what I need to learn from that...
I think acceptance is a work in progress, something to continually tweak as new things arise.
Read some great stuff from an old thread Snodderly started years ago. Found something I will share later.
Nap time here, so I am taking advantage, and napping too.
One last thought....
Of course I've been thinking about this upcoming "golf" trip. I can't shake the feeling that it is significant. It's not like they haven't gone away before, he was just away in April. I didn't feel this way then.
With all the tests my MLCer has placed before me, I feel like this is my final exam, and I don't want to bomb it. Or maybe it's HIS final exam. Who knows.
Taking my nap now
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Trust your intuition TVS...everytime my "spidy-sense" has kicked on, there has been reason. For me, the trick is to discern when it's real, or just "over-PMA" (when I feel like something good is going to happen, some positive change), or just my own depression/fear/frustration, when I feel something "bad" is going to happen.
I feel something good may be happening this weekend...is it "over-PMA", reggae fest and acceptance? Or is it "real"? Or...is my attitude going to help "direct" things? LOL, I don't know, when I get to that still, quiet place, usually that's when I "know"...
Enjoy you nap! Naps RULE!!!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I do trust it T, that's what scares me! I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...
And yes, naps rule! Sometimes there is nothing like a good nap
Soooo....
H on my nerves with his texting, there's definitely been a surge in the past few days. I try to steer clear of him because I simply can't stand it.
His parents came over this evening for dinner and to visit boys. Now this is interesting...
Every summer, H's sister comes to visit with her kids. We all go and do fun family things together.
MIL tells us the dates she is coming in, and guess when they are? Bingo! His golf trip!
As soon as she said the dates, I could feel H look at me. I think he wanted to see my reaction. I didn't look at him, just kept chatting with MIL.
He did not say anything about his trip. I think he was waiting to see if I did. I thought, no way buddy! YOU can look your family in the eyes and lie to them. I am not making this any easier on you.
Even after they left, he didn't say one word about it. Still no mention of our anniversary either. Things are getting interesting...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was reading an old thread by Snodderly on why they run away (in MLC resources thread). On page 8, there is a post by Juice248. I found it absolutely fascinating.
Her H was in the midst of MLC, but her brother had already made it through one. The whole process for her brother took five years, and she even breaks down how he explained he was feeling and what he was thinking during this time.
What I find very interesting is that while the timeline is not the same, the thoughts/feelings (stages ) are very similar to what I have seen in my H. Looking back, there were changes in him already beginning when our youngest was born three years ago. Slow, gradual changes.
Juice says, "Anyways... In talking with my brother now. He says that he really does not remember a lot of the things SIL had told him he said to her. He said the confusion caused him a lot of anger... He just couldn't seem to handle anything at all."
Yep. Sound familiar?
"When he was at home, he thought of OW. When he was with the OW, he thought of the family constantly. He always wondered what they were doing."
I could absolutely believe this.
"He thought he was losing his mind. He couldn't understand why he couldn't make a decision. Everything was so hard. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone."
Absolutely believe this too.
Look up this thread, it is definitely worth reading, there is a lot of info. Great insight.
Doing my best to continue to give my H space to work this out and figure it out ON HIS OWN. Should be interesting with OW continually yapping at him!
Good night!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
T, I understand the feeling of knowing something is going to happen. It suckks, doesnt it?
But nothing you can control so no use worrying about it, right?
You handled the trip thing with his family beautifully. The fact that she is coming during that trip is a bit of Karma. Hee hee. His problem.
I agree with what Juice wrote. My xh told me similar things. He told me more than once that he felt like he was losing his mind.
One time, he misplaced a pen. And he was in a tizzy. Acting like a crazy person. I said, "What's wrong? He said, "I cant find my pen." I said, "Ok, just use a different one." He screamed, "You dont understand. I cant think straight. I just had it. I have to find it. I have to." It was scary.
Another time he said those exact words. "Everything is so hard. I just want to be left alone. I cant even seem to make a simple decision. Life is so hard."
And he still tells me he cant remember large parts of the past. He doesnt remember things that were said. He doesnt remember places he has gone.
It really is a sad thing. I cant imagine feeling that out of control.
Ha ha! Yes, but do you have anything for the summer? Bermuda shorts perhaps? Lol!
This is totally karma at work. The kids saw each other in May, and were excited about all the fun things we had planned - one of which was H setting up a tent in our backyard so the boys could go "camping" - he did it last year, and they had a blast.
The guilt is only going to be magnified by this. His problem, though. He's the one choosing to carry on this way.
About what Juice wrote and you commented on...
My H has told me numerous times over the past 17 months that he just wants to be left alone, that he wants to be by himself. I have given him this as much as it is possible still living together.
I remember too him becoming stressed over any decision, no matter how small. There were times he would get flustered if I asked him where he wanted to order pizza from for dinner!
Pizza. Pens. Not exactly the big things in life. How must it be for them when faced with important decisions?
I have seen some improvement in that area. Now if he could just let go of his skanky life preserver
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
